Mom Blog and Baby Blog | Baby Bunching

writing from the land of compromise . . .

By Rachel Ostlie

In my life before children – the life where both my husband and I had good jobs and grad degrees (well, for him, almost) – I envisioned that in our family the work load would fall 50-50. Or at least 60-40. Since I am an adult educator, my work schedule is fairly flexible and we figured I could work a couple nights a week, or maybe a day on the weekend, while my husband (Papi) would care for our future children.

Fast-forward three years and two babies later, and I am living in the land of compromise. A land where short-term goals are sacrificed on the altar of long-term goals. A land where childcare and house duties are more like 85-15, if that. A land that holds, while not bliss, at least contentment.

How does one arrive at such a land? I'll give a few suggestions, though I'm sure it's different for each family.

1. Discuss goals.While we had agreed that my career might need to slow down a little with kids, my husband and I hadn't factored in our other goals: A) his desire to finish his education, and B) our desire to move overseas in a few years. Goal A has to come before Goal B. And taking care of a toddler and an infant does not merge very well with Goal A. The end result was that my career reeeeealy slowed down to the point where I'm mostly doing volunteer work.

2. Constantly revise the plan.The goal discussion might have to happen on a weekly basis. Not just long-term big-picture goals, but maybe little things as well. For a time, there was a lot of tension in our family because my desire for us to have a family dinner was playing second-fiddle to Papi's work schedule. A compromise had to be reached on when he would be home, how late we'd wait for him, etc. Similar on-going discussions related to other things that are priority for us: our children's spiritual lives, raising them bilingually, and connectivity with our far-flung families (to name a few), have required that we constantly revise our plans.

3. Get creative. Maybe a family dinner isn't feasible but a family breakfast is. Maybe the language/skill/tradition will come in the form of lessons when your kid is older.

4. Be forgiving. Be forgiving to your children, who did not choose to be born to this family. Or to be born so close together. Be forgiving to the strangers who criticize your decisions. Be forgiving to your husband, who is his own person with his own ideas and struggles. And be forgiving to yourself. After all, you're doing the best you can.

That said, welcome to the Land of Compromise.

Rachel is a Baby Bunching mom of a 24-month-old girl and a 8-month-old boy. She lives in the Chicago area.

back from maternity leave, with a little news

We recently received this question from one of our Baby Bunching readers.

Q: I recently found out I am pregnant with my second baby and my first daughter is only 12 months old. How do you deal with telling your manager you are going back on maternity leave. Or even worse in my case, coming back to work from leave pregnant again! I’m sure I am not the only one facing this but it sure feels like it.

A: Let us reassure you, you're not the only one. Many people are taking more time off for leave these days....even up to 6 months. And as all know, some of us found ourselves pregnant around this time. We remember talking to a Baby Buncher in your same situation. She ended up telling her immediate supervisor of the news, since she was sure her boss would be supportive. But she waited until she was about 6 months along before telling the rest of her team. (We're impressed she could hide her bump that long!)

It's unfortunate that this is what it's come to--lying to coworkers or evading the question. But the fact of the matter is, the U.S. is not amicable toward maternity leave. It is what it is at this point and you can rally the troops to make change, and we certainly welcome that. Or, you can move to one of the countries that has maternity leave set up for Baby Bunching. Yes, it's true, places like Canada totally have the right idea for supporting Baby Bunching.

But living here in the USA can mean being a slave to 'the man' or some other being. Just a few things to note. Be prepared as people will ask/comment: "Was this planned? Didn't you just have a baby? Can't you keep your hands off each other? Great, now I have to take on your projects....again!" They can be nasty comments and hurtful at a time when you're still getting your head around the idea of two under two! The other things is going back to work with one kids can be very different than going back to work with two. With both of us we were ready to hit the ground running soon after Baby #1, but Baby #2 can do a number on you physically and emotionally. Just note we have many friends who did some heavy readjusting of schedules and expectations after the second child--meaning more work from home, flexible hours, etc. Things are just different when there are two.  

We wish we could offer some great sound advice on this on how to tell your boss or even how to manage expectations. But since both of us were the work-from-home-part-time Baby Bunching moms who have cobbled together an assortment of sitters, mother's helpers, naptimes and wee hours of the night to get work completed, we don't have concrete advice here. So we're asking all of you to offer up some advice. Please.

part-time work with your 'bunch'

By Susan Busch

When I landed my current work-from-home-part-time arrangement, my visions of flexibility and fulfillment were grand. And some precious elements of that vision have indeed materialized: I relish my weekday time with the kids, whether that means we're at the playground or a doctor's appointment, and I'm ever-so-grateful to type and talk away the work day in my slippers.

But I've also had to come to terms with some tough-to-swallow part-time work realities for moms of close sibilings. Most notably: you won't gain as much quality time with the kids as you might expect. Here's what two-plus years in the part-time-at-home trenches as a Baby Buncher has taught me:

1. You'll need more babysitting than you think.

I learned the hard way, beginning my 20-hours-per-week job with a thin, two-day patchwork of babysitting coverage and nap times slated to do the rest. Of course, neither the job or the kids adhered to this schedule and I sweated through many crying-laced conference calls.

Now I work 24 hours per week, and typically have four, 8-hour days of childcare coverage lined up to ensure I can meet my hours commitment, maintain ad hoc availability for the inevitable "need-it-now" situations that arise when everyone else you work with is full-time, and carve out a little alone time to maintain the household.

My keys to success? Using multiple caregivers (I rotate among three to lighten the tall order of supervising close-in-age siblings) and focusing on the short-term, arranging one week of our lives at a time. I expect my arrangements to change often -- in my experience, babysitting a young baby bunch can easily become too overwhelming for even those most dedicated caregiver.

2. You may feel alienated from other working moms.

The Baby Buncher's road to a full professional "recovery" can be frustratingly long -- and lonely. Shortly after the birth of my second daughter, I struggled to connect with the working moms around me, envious they could so steadily get their groove back, while I remained stranded in my second-straight disjointed year of dubious memory and dirty sweats.

As a working Baby Buncher, I was at a loss for how other moms could navigate the challenges of schedules, deadlines, and travel that in those early days felt so mountainous and highly emotional to me. Instead of feeling like I was among friends, I had the constant urge to explain myself and overcompensate for what I perceived as weakness -- efforts that drained even more energy from my precious reserves (see next item).

3. The demands of home will (eventually) make you stronger at work.

Because Baby Bunching requires relentless prioritization, we rapidly become pros at slicing through the cries, whines, and chatter of our crew to get to the heart of the matter at hand. And I'm happy to report that the same no-nonsense approach had no choice but to eventually seep into my work. I've been surprised to find I've not only got the courage but the obligation (my time and energy crunch demands it) to be more direct when it comes to facing and resolving problematic issues, and pushing complex projects across the finish line.

I need only look down at my well-worn slippers to remind me of my progress, and a little closer at the dried Playdough on the soles to remind me why, despite the occasional hard knocks, my efforts are worthwhile.

Susan blogs at One Year Apart. Her two daughters are 3 and 2 years old. They are 13 months apart. If you are interested in guest blogging, please email us at [email protected].

best places in the world to baby bunch

I remember my Baby Bunching friend Sandie (from Canada) saying one of the great things about living in Canada was the maternity leave. It enabled women to have their babies, take a year off, and during the maternity leave get pregnant again. While I'm not sure how sustainable that is to the American work ethic, where your job expects you to check in shortly after you popped out a baby, it is a way of thinking about how other countries view family. Seems to me in places like Canada, the "mommy wars" wouldn't exist in the same way it does here since mommies get the chance to have their cake and eat it too--work and be at home with their kids during the early days (ahem years).

After living in Sweden, I realized women there have the same philosophy as the Canadians. They have 16 months of maternity leave, which they can share with their husband, and many choose to 'bunch' another baby in during that leave so they're only off the career track for a little while. Wow, these ladies have mastered the art of Baby Bunching! So I started thinking, if this is a trend and women are getting on the Baby Bunching bandwagon in Canada and Sweden, I wondered where else?

So....here are an unofficial list of a few other countries in the world that offer the perfect leave structure for Baby Bunching. I'm not suggesting you start packing your bags (although I may after seeing a few countries on the list), just offering a perspective of other places that may be even more familiar with Baby Bunching. (Interesting, how several of these countries make super bad-ass double strollers. Coincidence? Perhaps not!)

[Note: Unpaid leave is "job-protected leave" meaning for most countries that you are guaranteed a job when you return at equal level and/or pay to the one you left. So they don't really have to hold your job, but they have to make room to give you one when you return.]

Canada--52 weeks (15 weeks maternity + 35 weeks for each parent). Only 35 weeks is paid, but the other 35 weeks is job-protected leave.

Denmark--offers 52 weeks

Finland--105 days at 80% pay, followed by share of 158 days with father. Unpaid job-protected leave until a child turns three.

France--16 weeks at 100% pay. Moms may share 104 weeks (2 years) of unpaid leave with father.

Germany--offers 14 weeks at 100% pay, including six weeks BEFORE the birth, then 12-14 months at 67% pay. Wow, baby bunching must be super popular in Germany!

Ireland--16 1/2 weeks of leave, plus an additional four months of unpaid leave for both mom or dad.

Israel--14 weeks, but up to one year unpaid protected leave.

Italy--22 weeks (5 months) at 80% pay, plus 2 months before the baby is born. Then dads may take an additional 13 weeks (3 months) at 80% pay. Both parents may take a maximum of 10 additional months unpaid leave.

New Zealand--14 weeks of leave, plus 38 weeks of unpaid leave.

Norway--54 weeks (12.5 months) at 80% pay or 44 weeks (10 months) at 100%. Mother must take at least 3 weeks immediately before birth and 6 weeks immediately after birth, father must take at least 6 weeks - the rest can be shared between mother and father.

Spain--16 weeks of leave, up to 3 years of unpaid protected leave.

UK--39 weeks (6 weeks at 90% of full pay and the next 33 weeks at a flat rate), plus up to a year of unpaid job protected leave.

(If I have missed a location or the information is not up to date, let me know.)

going back to work

Before my son was born, I knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, that is, until he was born. I will openly admit to NOT being a baby person. When my son was two months old, I reclaimed my part-time contract gig for about 10 hours of work a week. It was something fun (OK, survey analysis is never fun, but it different than breastfeeding and poopy diapers) for me to do in the after hours that gave me a sense of being "me" still. But soon I was pregnant again and trying to keep up with a baby and my little bit of contract work. I could see this would be a challenge. (Side note: I remember dropping off the project near the end of my second pregnancy and the director of the school saying "Last time I saw you, you were about this pregnant. Wasn't that last year?" Hardy har har.)

When Anna was born, I wasn't sure how I could handle freelance work, but I was ready to go back when she was about 6 weeks old. (Seriously, I needed wanted to escape the chaos of everyday life.) But when I sat down to do the numbers, it didn't make sense for me to go back. Childcare in Sweden before the age of one is pricey, and Alex didn't have a preschool slot. Paying childcare for two "babies" wasn't cheap or worth me even working. So I took another part time work from home job--working nights and naptimes.

In the research for our book, we discovered that many women "baby bunched" for this reason. It's easier to hop off the career track, have two babies right in a row, take two years off, then go back. This way you haven't missed out on too much time and can essentially keep your contacts.

Funny enough, this is the way MANY Europeans and Canadians do it with their lengthy maternity leaves. Have baby. Take year off. Get pregnant during that year. Have another baby. Get another year off. Go back to work with job waiting. The Europeans have the Baby Bunching down to an art form by working the system. Way to go Ladies!

But here I am with a four and three-year old and so ready to head back to work. For me, we come back to the money. I am one year away of my oldest starting kindergarten, which means free childcare during the day + my youngest will be able to go to 5-day preschool at that point. So, waiting one more years, means I can go back to working part time without the high cost of childcare. In the meantime, I'm trying to continue the blogging and freelance writing to at least "keep up my game."

So the question is when to head back to work. Does it make sense to wait until your kids are a little older and childcare is cheaper? I imagine the decision to go back is similar one that moms to twins face. Daycare for twins is probably pretty pricey. Daycare for Baby Bunchers isn't going to be much better until they are a bit older. It's a hard call to make sometimes. I'm curious how other moms handled this decision.