Mom Blog and Baby Blog | Baby Bunching

baby bunching Q/A: taking turns

Q: I am looking for some resources as to how to deal with your Bunch fighting with each other. I have a 13 month old boy and a 27 month old girl, and all they do is fight over toys! My 13 month old is too young to understand the concept of sharing or taking turns and just comes up to his sister, tackles her, and tries to take what he wants. This leads to screaming/pushing/kicking from one or both of them. She generally starts screaming for help when he comes within 4 feet of her.

I've tried redirecting the 13 month old. I've tried time outs for my 27 month old. I've tried separating them with a play-yard (whoever is in wants out and whoever is out wants in). I've been dealing with it by trying to get out every day to the pool or to the gym (where they play nice in the child center), or running errands.

Thank goodness they both nap at the same time so I can get a little peace and quiet!

I'm at my wit's end though.

A: We recently had another question on discipline, but we like this question because there are some things you can do to help instill some great sibling lessons for your kids.

Our Baby Bunching friend Tara (with 4 kids Bunched) provided us this tip a while back when we were doing extensive book research. She received the advice from her doctor.

The best way to handle this (we think) is to facilitate sibling interaction this way: If the older child wants a toy from the baby, teach the older child that he/she has to bring another toy to trade with the baby. The baby early on doesn't care what toy he has. The older child doesn't mind the "trade" b/c she just wants the toy.This teaches the older child that she just can't grab from the baby, but she doesn't learn to resent the child for being scolded for grabbing a toy.

We tried this for a bit in our house and it worked wonderfully. It's redirecting with a bit more purpose. There will come a time where the baby cares what he has but this works really well in the beginning. After that (when the younger does care) we recommend you work very hard (and it IS hard) not to interfere with their fights, etc. - unless someone gets hurt. If things are getting out of hand, ask the child who has the toy, "how many minutes until [said child] can have the toy." And then I set a timer for those minutes. Almost always the child picks something like "two minutes" and has no problem handing it over when the timer goes off. As they get older they will pick something like 100 minutes, but by that time you can use the opportunity to help teach fairness. The main thing is it is not OK for the child playing to just have to "give up the toy" because someone else wants it. Same goes for play dates on this one. Just because Johnny is playing with the train and Susie wants it next doesn't mean he should have to give it up right that very second. It's about taking turns (when the turn is up) and patience.

I know I would be ticked if I was watching a movie, and my husband wanted the remote and someone told me I had to give it to him in "two minutes" (whereas, it would go over much better if he asked when I would be done with the remote!!).

We'd love to hear more tips on this.

thred up: wear, trade, wear, trade

 

My house is overflowing with outgrown clothes. I have bins in the basement that both my kids no longer fit into. I have stacks of winter clothes that they MAY be able to fit into next fall/winer since I never know how much they will grow. I have stacks of summer clothes that are a bit too tight but beloved by those who previous donned them. (It's funny how kids can actually become attached to certain things.) But what to do once it's too small.

We are loving the concept of ThredUp which could actually help you with this problem. It's perfect for us Baby Bunchers with little time to consign our "good stuff." With ThredUp, you list your items by size/gender and people in turn order your boxes. There is a fee to "buy" but it's a flat rate per box. But it's free to list. For everybox you list, you do have to send a box. It's like a giant online clothing swap! What we love is this is great for buying things like fleeces, jackets or snowsuits that your kids may not wear very often--especially if you live in hottler climate. It's a great opportunity to pass along your premium clothing (Hanna Andersson, Mini Boden, Polarn O. Pyret, Gymboree, Janie and Jack, Tea Collection, Zutano) to those who really know and love the brands.

Not comfortable wearing stranger's clothing, you can set up an inner circle of contacts and swap with them around the country. Pretty cool, huh? As a bonus, this week they are beginning their Golden Threds, where high-end clothing companies will be listing new (overstocked) items in the mix. But like Willy Wanka's Golden Tickets, you have to find these little treasures on their site.

 

 

baby bunching Q/A: little baby, big baby discipline

A great question from Katie on disciplining her Bunch. 

Q: I have two boys-almost 2 and 10 months (13.5 months apart).  My 10-month old has recently started using behaviors that we are teaching my 2 year old are not okay, particularly biting (the 10-month old is actually sort of mouthing/chewing on you- but it still hurts).  Other behaviors include throwing toys, dropping food on the floor, etc.  We know these are developmentally appropriate behaviors for a 10-month old, but you can't reason/explain to a 2-year old why the baby is doing (blank) because he doesn't understand the "rules."  We are "scolding" the baby in the same manner we do my 2-year old just to consistently model for him our response to the negative behaviors.  So I was wondering if you had any advice/ thoughts about how to help explain to my 2-year old the behaviors are not okay but really are okay for now because the baby is still so young?

A: I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Your youngest probably doesn't understand much beyond 'no,' your tone and the sad/mad facial expression you give him. That alerts both him and your older son that the offending behavior incident is unacceptable.

Even when your youngest is throwing food or toys on the floor, a simple "no no, sweetie" will probably suffice for everyone. However, I will say that when your older child tries the same thing you might need to make it a little firmer. You certainly can elaborate to some extent for your two-year old about the behavior, but our guess is that he's probably not going to get too much past the "no no, that's not Ok with Mommy" kind of bit. Explaining might work, but probably not at this age.  

Your older child knows your tone and if he does something off limits, you have every right to make sure he knows, without a doubt, that it's unacceptable. For example, biting is never OK. My youngest was a biter and started at about one year and continued for two years. Yes, TWO years! A biting baby is a whole different story to a biting three-year old. And I would also note the behavior, dropping Cheerios on the ground--whether it's baby or toddler-- probably doesn't warrant the same kind of "scolding" as a bite.

It's a hard balance and the first of many, many experiences where children learn that things aren't always equal. Big Baby needs to know the rules and Little Baby still has some time to learn them.

We'd love to hear what others have to say on this and any advice/tips.

baby bunching bff

"Help! Help! My best friend's dying!", my oldest son sobbed hysterically as he came running (naked and sopping wet) into the room.  Flying back into the bathroom and wondering how my almost-five-year-old could've managed to arrive at death's door since in the 2.5 seconds since I had left the room, I found him sitting up in the bathtub right where I left him.  Just fine and dandy, and surprised as all get out to see his older brother freaking out all over the place.

It turned out that in the few seconds that it took me to lift the Baby out of the tub where all 3 were playing, wrap him in a towel, and carry him from the master bath to the master bedroom, Middle had decided to lick the bar of soap.  And no amount of reassurance could convince Big that his brother was not going to die from it.

Once I had assessed the situation and my heart stopped beating four million miles a minute, I was touched to realize that Big had referred to his brother as "my best friend".  For his part, Middle seemed more upset by the fact that he had scared his brother so badly than by the fact that he was potentially facing death from soap poisoning.  Despite the arguing, head butting, punching, kicking, slamming, stealing, hitting and yelling, at the tender ages of 5 and 6, my boys are truly each other's best friends.

Did it suck for two years of my life to have them so close together?  Yeah.

But was it worth it?  Most definitely.

Today, at least.

homeschooling your bunch; it can be done

By Tricia Morgan, Reston Mom

Iʼm a homeschooling mom of 3 - soon to be 4. Hope is 6, Maddie is 4, Amelia is 1 and the new baby arrives in November. One inquiry I get pretty often is in regards to how I handle teaching Hope (who is completing 1st grade this year) with little ones under foot. Honestly, this is a difficult question to answer for other people. First, because so much of what happens in a homeschooling household is determined by the particular philosophy/method employed. Secondly, our particular routine has seasons. It seems to shift and change and adapt just as the children themselves are growing and changing. And also, a great deal is dependent upon the personalities and temperament of the children as well as the parents - obviously there can be huge and dynamic differences here from household to household. All I can do is share what works for our family and be honest and say that we are still figuring some things out as we go. 

Maybe the best way to begin is simply to take you through a day this spring.

6:30-7 a.m.- Weʼre up! Baby gets a diaper change, and we all head downstairs
7-8 a.m.- Hope and Maddie either watch a few cartoons or play while mom feeds herself and Ami. Then mom gets time to read to or play with Ami.
8 - 9 a.m.- Hope and Maddie eat breakfast while Ami either plays or joins us in her highchair. Mom will read books chosen by the girls during breakfast. Afterwards, Hope and Maddie get dressed while mom cleans up from
breakfast and dresses Ami. Then everyone heads out the door to enjoy the nice weather for a few minutes and give Ami the opportunity to toddle a good bit.
9 ish- Ami goes down for a nap. Hope, Maddie, and Mom begin with a morning devotional. Following which Maddie will play or look at books quietly while mom starts Hope on her math lesson/assignment. Once Hope is working, if mom hasnʼt showered yet, sheʼll do that now. Around 10 a.m. there will be a break for snacks. Hope and Maddie play for a few minutes. Hope returns to her other curriculum assignments ie: handwriting, individual reading, etc.... and mom will work with Maddie on reading or preschool activity eventually Ami will wake up and she will play until Maddie and Hope are ready to join her.
11 or 11:30 a.m. is lunchtime. Often mom feeds herself and Ami while Hope and Maddie play. Then she prepares lunch for the other girls and calls them in. During lunch, mom reads more books or everyone goes over memory work together.
12ish p.m. - This is usually when we do science. Maddie often joins in because she likes the experiments. Ami tags around or plays. If the lesson is more complicated, we might wait until Ami takes an afternoon nap.
1:30 p.m.- Naptime for Ami and Maddie. Hope finishes curriculum that requires momʼs help and then has quiet time to read and have a snack. Mom uses this time to pull stuff together around the house or relax or pull out stuff for dinner or whatever following naps, we have the rest of the afternoon to meet for play dates with friends, run errands, take special trips, do art/craft projects, bake, play outside with neighborhood kids or do whatever we like.
5:00 p.m. - Dad is home from work, the family eats dinner together.

Iʼll do my best to answer some questions that might have crossed your mind:

So, you have a pretty consistent schedule from day to day?
Yes, and it really helps a lot. The kids know what to expect. Actually, Monday is my husbandʼs day off and so it is reserved for family day - no school. We are part of a supplementary program that meets on Wednesdays and that pretty much takes the place of our home schedule that day - so really, we are only teaching according to this kind of schedule 3 days a week - but those three days are consistent and for the most part, we do manage to do everything we need to.

Still, within our schedule there is a lot of organic movement - from mom between children; answering questions, giving hugs, helping with tasks...just being mom to everyone as well as the teacher.

What do you do to keep the younger ones entertained/busy while you work with the oldest?
Nothing. They are expected to be able to entertain themselves with the toys and books that are provided in our home and to be respectful of the other family members. You may be thinking “yeah, right. That would never work for us!” Which may or may not be true - but again a couple things factor in - one, the temperaments of the children. Two, training. Since it has always been thus in our home, the girls have never known differently. Iʼve never been the kind of person who could/would entertain my children or give them my undivided attention every second. Even Ami at 1 yr. is aware that sometimes she has to wait and is capable of playing nearby by herself. That said, I also have worked hard to ensure that each of my children feel loved and secure and do get time with mom.

Again, I must say that we go through seasons. I remember when Maddie was a little younger, I used to let her watch an educational video sometimes so I could get a shower in or work with Hope. Now it is a bit easier, because while I work with one child, the other can help play with the baby.

What about teaching with a newborn?
I had a few months of this last year and will go it again this fall. Itʼs really not bad since newborns tend to sleep a lot. I just give the kids a break when the baby needs to eat. I couldnʼt ever manage to get used to wearing a sling/baby carrier - so the baby usually just hangs out with us where ever we are in their portable swing/chair or gym or on a blanket on the floor. Honestly, itʼs not the schedule that makes this difficult, itʼs the being so tired.

Does it get easier as the kids get older since you can overlap curriculum?
In that sense it depends. Since we use a classical methodology instead of a thematic approach, for instance, there is a lot less overlapping. It does however become quite a bit easier as the kids get older. They are more able to focus their attention for longer periods of time. They are capable of working individually on assignments. They become more responsible for themselves overall - if you teach them to become so. I find that one of the biggest bonuses of the girls getting older has simply been that they help me out more - with each other, with little chores around the house. I donʼt have to micromanage or oversee every little detail anymore. They get dressed, brush teeth, clear plates, get snacks, help with the baby, and more. I canʼt tell you how much time this frees up when it is all added together and I donʼt have to be there hovering and helping.

Iʼve been candid here, but keep in mind that this is just what Iʼve learned from our particular personal experience. I think that each family that chooses to homeschool will just have to move through each season with what works best for them, like anything else. If your family isnʼt like mine, that doesnʼt mean it wonʼt work for you.

Tricia is a Baby Bunching mom to three (soon to be four children).

baby bunching Q/A: playing favorites

Loved this question from Michelle on Facebook.

Q: My girls are 2 1/2 and 1 year, about 20 months apart. My 1 yr old is adorable and my 2 1/2 yr old is, well, 2. She constantly pushes, hits, takes toys from or tries to pick up her little sister. How do I show that I love them equally when I'm constantly on my 2 yr old's case? I feel like I'm playing... favorites because she's an incredibly difficult 2 yr old, and my 1 yr old is so adorable and easy.

A: Not to worry because in another year your adorable and easy one-year old will become the beastly two-year old and your older child will find ways to work the charm to get what she wants. On any given day one kid can be the fav and the other is....well, the punky one. Let it go and realize it's OK to play favs sometimes.

We will let you in on a secret. Being two-and-a-half is hard! Linda remembers her Baby Buncher neighbor swearing it was the hardest age and once they hit three it was much easier. And it was. Right around that time Baby #2 will be full-fledge toddler and into everything in sight. Then you'll have a new favorite for a day or two.  

We continually try as parents to make things fair--the number of Christmas presents per child, the amount of milk in a cup, choosing a story to read or who gets the last meatball (that would be you!). In fact, we make ourselves nutso trying to make things even with our Bunch as best we can. It doesn't matter how hard you try, you will get it wrong! Someone will want the yellow cup one day instead of their usual favorite pink cup and make some horrible comment about how you're the meanest mommy in all the land. Then you'll send them to their room for the rude comment and in the interim they'll somehow turn the little one on you.

As a side note, if you're looking for advice on helping your older child with toys, here is a tip we received from Baby Bunching Tara (mother to 4 kids under 5 at one point.)  If the older child wants a toy from the baby, teach the older child that he/she has to bring another toy to trade with the baby. The baby early on doesn't care what toy he/she has.  The older child doesn't mind the "trade" b/c he just wants the toy.  This teaches the older child that he just can't grab from the baby but he doesn't learn to resent the child for being scolded for grabbing a toy.  There will come a time where the baby cares but this works really well in the beginning. 

baby bunching benefit: if you wait long enough, they will teach themselves

I've posted before that I often wonder if I've done my kids a disservice by having a flock of them right in a row (3 in 4 1/2 years). It just seems that there is NEVER enough of me to go around. The weird thing is that yes, while it was hard Bunching the first two, I felt capable of meeting needs even if I was a little frazzled at times.  But as I added a third child and the needs of the other two have grown more complex as they age (it's not just about eat/sleep/poop anymore!), I feel like I'm shortchanging one of the three of them every time I turn around.

A great example is Middle, who has been begging to have the training wheels taken off his bike for weeks.  When his older brother was 4 1/2, we spent several afternoons on the driveway, coaching and cheering him on with the entire family.  Now that Middle is 4 1/2, his older brother Big (a future X gamer) is hell on wheels and zips up and down the driveway cutting off cyclists, scooterists, and innocent pedestrians alike.  It is a miracle he hasn't knocked a tooth out, broken an arm, or split a head open - his own or someone else's.  Younger brother the Caboose is in the nightmare toddler stage where he wants to sprint for either the street or the nearest high cliff at any chance he gets with no regard for safety. As you can imagine, we have a hard time getting motivated for the prospect of 19 false starts up and down the driveway and the resulting tears that would surely follow from two-wheeling lessons for Middle.

Fortunately for him, he's nothing if not persistent and he finally wore down persuaded his Dad, who removed the training wheels on Sunday. Bracing ourselves for lots of falls and tears, we let him rip.  And then stood there with our jaws open as he tore down the driveway on two wheels on the first try! Damned if the kid wasn't ready to do it on his own!

And this isn't the only time this has happened.  Big and I had endless potty training fights until Middle came along and I dropped it because I was too busy.  One day when he was about 3 1/2, he walked into the bathroom and peed in the toilet and never had an accident in his pants.  Similarly, I was so busy corralling 3 kids at the dinner table that it never occurred to me to hand the Caboose a spoon to feed himself.  Until he grabbed a fork off my plate one day right around his first birthday and started eating with it like he'd been using it his whole life.

Now that I've written this, I plan to bookmark it so that I can revisit it anytime I feel guilt creeping in that I'm not constantly coaching one of my kids in some area of skill development. Sometimes, a little self-sufficiency and genuine readiness can carry a kid a lot further than helicopter parenting can.

baby bunching Q/A: settling big baby for little baby's nap

This question came from Maura on our Facebook page.

Q: Any suggestions what to do with big baby (29 months) while trying to put little baby (10 months) down for her nap? I tried setting him up with coloring in another room this morning, but he wants to be where the action (aka mommy) is. He creates such a distraction that it's really hard to get her to settle down.

A: We're assuming your daughter is on 2-nap schedule at this point. So this means twice a day you're battling one for the nap and the other to leave the room. Yuck! This can be such a challenge, especially when your older one has outgrown the crib. The trick is to get your toddler involved in something that is so fun he won't want to stop doing what he's doing while you dash to get baby down for a nap. And at 2 1/2 we totally get that your list of options to keep him busy, alone (maybe even on another floor of your home) is limited. We recommend you plan ahead as best you can with a quick bag o' tricks.

If you're only talking about 10-20 minutes to get baby fed and settled, here are a few ideas:

• Set him up with some fun song CDs or books on CD in another room.
• Feed him a snack that you know will take a while to eat. 
• Give him a "project" like a spray bottle of water and have him clean your bath or shower. 
• A short DVD. (Yes, we know you're not technically supposed to do this, but ..... )  
• Puzzles that you know he can do himself might give you some extra time.
• A photo album can keep kids busy for a while.
• Still in a crib? Drop him off there on your way to baby's room with a crib full of fun toys.
• Computer, anyone? Perhaps a bite of the forbidden fruit at 2 is early, but hey, we do what we can, right?

If your oldest is still taking a nap in the afternoon, try getting him settled first and into his room so you can put baby down. If he's not napping, this is the perfect time to institute "quiet time" for him. We are BIG believers in teaching our kids individual play. Kids can and should be able to spend an hour of time in their room, by themselves, reading/playing/listening to music quietly.

Fellow Baby Bunchers, please give us a shout and let us know what works/worked for you.

instant network of the twibling's friends

My neighbor threw a rockin' good birthday party for her six-year old daughter this weekend. (Think Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift look-alikes.)  Ironically the party was for one of my son's classmates, but it was my daughter (four and a half) who was invited because it was a "girl only" party. Because she's only 16 months behind my son the three of them all play together. And besides the fact that he could hear them all playing in the yard, he didn't seem to mind missing this makeup-laden event.

Invite for my otherchild? This was a benefit to Baby Bunching that I never expected. The closeness in age of my kids can make for instant playdates. (Note: this does not always apply and sometimes could have the adverse effect.) I wasn't sure how this would go over with my daughter since she would be one of the youngest at the party. But luckily since kindergarten now spans from young 5s to almost 7 it didn't seem to be a problem.

She walked in a little timid an unsure--like any other kid for any other birthday party. She was probably a bit behind the preteen rock star songs they were singing to, but she held her own but doing varying degrees of acrobatic like dance moves to woo the big girls.

Today when we attended my son's school for a presentation, my daughter was greeted with hugs by all the girls from the party. Most had no idea she was the big kid's sister. She was their new friend Anna, and they were surprised and excited to see her at school.

baby bunching Q/A: new baby to the bunch

This question came to us from Baby Buncher Carrie.

Q: How can I help the oldest of the bunch (in my case, she'll be 22 months old) transition to a new baby. She's too young to understand what is going on, but there must be some great tips out there to help!

A: This is one of our most popular questions. Ironically, it's the easiest to answer, yet probably not the easiest to do. One of the best things about Baby Bunching is that Baby #1 will never remember life without Baby #2. We're convinced this is why siblings so close in age really can remain close over a lifetime.  

Before baby comes you can do what you can, when you can, to educate your toddler about the impending arrival. Books and talking about the baby will help. In the end probably nothing will ever prepare your toddler--or you--for the changes that will occur. Many toddlers like to touch mommy's belly and you can tell toddler that a baby is in there. Yeah, they don't "get it," but on some level I'm sure they do. Maybe.

After baby comes it gets a bit trickier since again, there's not much you can do to really prepare a big baby for little baby. She will find out quickly. Their communication skills are limited, and they still need you for everything. Your toddler will learn the art of patience since you can't attend to his needs at that very moment anymore since you have someone else now. (Give yourself that...it's OK for people to cry, including you.)

Rather than repeating what we've said in a few posts, we recommend a few tips for you here:

• Baby Bunching Stages: What to Expect When You're Expecting #2
• Baby Bunching Novice: Infant + Toddler

Hopefully, these past posts will help you mentally prepare for what is yet to come. Your kids pick up on your attitude as well and this can help them transition into their new world. The best advice is to go into this as prepared as you can and have a sense of humor. Everything you can possibly imagine can and will go wrong during the first few months. You will mix things up. Get the timing wrong. Give someone the wrong pacifier. Put the diaper on the wrong kid. Find yourself shoving Cheerios into a 3 week-old's mouth.  Wear your underwear inside out all day long. Laugh it off (and cry later). You will need the laughs to keep you going and so will your kids.