Mom Blog and Baby Blog | Baby Bunching

baby in babyland

By Rachel Oslie

If you’re like me, Baby #1 and Baby #2 came one after the other. Baby #3 took (a little bit) longer. This seems to be a trend among Baby Bunchers, maybe because after two babies we realize that our contraceptive choices were ineffective, or because with two under two we were too busy to do much baby making.

Whereas your second pregnancy may have passed in a blur of sleep-training, solids-starting, and milestones that Big Baby hit while attending your prenatal visits, the pregnancy of “Caboose” allows a little more time to reflect. Such reflection inevitably leads you to the realization: “Oh crap. I’m going to go back to Babyland!”

Babyland. That lovely place where your life was filled with diapers, nursing, bottles, infant toys, diapers, naps, pediatrician visits, and diapers. You traveled through Babyland with your Bunch together, many times doubling up on everything. You never took the stairs to your attic, since that swing that Big Baby just grew out of will be perfect for Little Baby in a few weeks. As your Bunch grew older, you didn’t even have to store and sort clothes. You just shifted them over from one drawer to another. That’s one of the biggest perks of Baby Bunching, right? Both children go through the same things at the same time. No cordoning off Big Brother’s LEGOs from tiny mouths. No whining from your elementary school child when the museum trip is cut short due to little one’s naptime. It works out great, except, now you are returning to Babyland. 

Is there a road map for this? What is the smoothest way to return to the sweet place that is Babyland? Here’s a short list of what has worked for me:

1)  Prepare your Bigs for the new baby. When you tried to help your Big Baby get ready for a new one in the family it was a noble endeavor, but for most of us our efforts were useless. Big Baby just saw this as one more thing to add to this crazy world she was trying to figure out. However, you now have two children who can speak, understand, and have definite opinions about the world. Time should definitely be spent talking up the changes ahead, reading good books, watching videos, and drawing pictures (our current favorites in this area are Baby on the Way by Sears, Sears and Kelly, Our Baby by Maier, I’m a Big Brother by Cole, Love the Baby by Layne, and the DVD Three Bears and a Baby by Sesame Street)

2)   Get up-to-date on current events in Babyland. This includes dragging all that baby gear out of the attic and making sure nothing has been recalled. Additionally, take some minutes to chat up a new mom-to-be; she’s probably spent a good chunk of her pregnancy reading magazines and internet articles and may have news of something that didn’t even exist on your last trek in Babyland.

3)  Enjoy yourself. First pregnancies are full of unknowns, overachieving, and worrying if you’re doing everything right. With the second pregnancy of your bunch, you were probably lucky if you had clothes ready and a name picked out before 40 weeks rolled around. This is your chance to truly take advantage of pregnancy. You know what is normal, and can take each month as it comes. You no longer feel that you have anything to prove, so feel free to let everybody help the poor, helpless pregnant lady. Spend time learning more about gestation and delivery, and tweak the decisions you made for the past two babies. Buy some new itty-bitty clothes, treat Caboose to things all his own. Take the time that you now have, with two children acclimated to a bedtime routine, to dream a little and rest a lot. Because, I suspect, you’re going to need quite a bit of both when you arrive in Babyland.
 
Rachel is a happy mother of a daughter (3) and son (2), who both like dancing in tutus and playing with trains. Baby #3 is a girl who is due in three weeks. 

how i became a baby buncher

By Erin Brazofsky

When Matt and I decided we were ready to have children, I honestly didn’t give much thought to the “How many? How soon?” questions. I always figured I would have three children (I am one of three girls—my mom was a Baby Buncher back in the day), but I never really thought about how closely I would have them.

Then, Levi came along and my world was rocked. I didn’t fully comprehend, until that chubby little newborn staring at me with big eyes was born, just HOW MUCH I would love him. My new role presented 'oh so many challenges,' but it was also the most rewarding and gratifying job I have ever had. And I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there would be more babies.

When Levi was around six months old, part of me felt “ready” to have another baby and part of me was saying, “NO WAY.” So, when I found out I was pregnant when Levi was 8 months old, I wasn’t shocked, but was overjoyed with a teeny bit of, “Oh, boy, here we go.” thrown in. And when Seth was born, I felt as if it were the most natural thing in the world that he was here. Looking back, life seemed incomplete without his little face in it.

And the last 8 months that Seth has been with us have been challenging to a degree (What is it that everyone tells you about going from one to two kids? That it’s easy? Hee.), I have loved, loved, loved every minute of watching my two small sons interact with each other and I can’t wait till they are older and can be best of friends (Don’t burst my dream bubble, okay?).

Having enjoyed having our “2 under 2” so far, Matt and I were thinking about trying for a third this summer. Well, it seems number 3 decided to surprise us a bit early and we are happily expecting he/she in January! This is opening a WHOLE new page in the Baby Bunching world for us and in the coming months, I will so need a lot of help and advice. For instance, minivans. Just the thought gives me a migraine. And, how do you wrangle three small people when there are only two adults? What’s the best way to transition my 2 year-old to a big boy bed AND get my 8-month old to share a room with him so the baby has somewhere to sleep? You can be sure I will be passing along tips and rants as they happen.

But, for now, I am beaming over the new life we get to meet and the brood we will be. Three under two. Baby Buncher. Wow. And this is how I got here.

How about you? How did you arrive at the title of Baby Buncher?

**Erin will be accepting all donations of a free minivan and extra car seats.**

announcing your surprise

By Rachel Ostlie

Everything baby is traditionally a thing of joy and communal happiness. From gasps of “Congrats!” when the pregnancy news first breaks, to the handing out of cigars by the new father, the thought of babies seem to put people in a celebratory mood.

Babies who are Bunched, however, may not receive such unconditional unquestioning approval.  Many Bunching moms, especially those über-Bunchers out there, receive side glances and comments, ranging from the innocuous “You sure have your hands full” to the snide “You do know where babies come from, don’t you?”

As if the disapproval of the general public weren’t bad enough, many of us have relatives who are perfectly willing to share their opinion. Some question your sanity, others question your birth control choices. My own father-in-law, who for five years pestered me about a grandchild and even gave me a gag gift one Christmas of “fertility pills,” has now decided to trumpet the superiority of the birth control methods he and my MIL used, giving them children spaced 3-5 years apart.

And then there may be issues even closer to home. Did that second positive pregnancy test result in the same feelings that the first one did? With the memory of the last pregnancy still fresh in your mind (let alone this morning’s diaper blow-out), were you thrilled?  Afraid? Disappointed? Or maybe just resigned? Then there are questions about how this will affect your newly balanced life… Perhaps you just returned to work and dread announcing another impending maternity leave. You might worry how this new little one will take away from the attention you were once able to dedicate to the older sibling. On top of it all, the ambivalence about the new baby in your life can feed an extra large guilt monster.

How do you announce the “good news” if you aren’t so sure it is good news? Without feeling celebratory about your bunched baby, do you hide it until it is physically evident? Do you mask your emotions? Or is there a way to confront your ambivalence about this new stage of parenthood head-on?

However you feel, and however you manage those feelings, you have at least a few months to work it out. And years and years to learn to appreciate the crazy beauty of parenting, children, and baby bunching.

Rachel is a proud baby bunching mom of a daughter (3) and a son (22 months).  She is expecting another “surprise” baby, due in September.

baby bunching Q/A: getting pregnant while breastfeeding

We received this question from Julie. It's one that we thought we'd throw it out there for our readers since neither of us were trying to get pregnant while breastfeeding.

Q: I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 month old (2 years and 8 days apart).  My husband finally agreed to a third, but would prefer sooner rather than later. How do you plan to be a Baby Buncher if you're still nursing?   I've reached the point where I'm ok with being pregnant again.  But I'm still nursing, and my monthly visitor hasn't returned yet.  I know it happens to lots of people who don't plan it this way, but is there something I can do?

A: Since Cara was still nursing when she got pregnant (accidentally), and Linda had already stopped nursing when she did, we're going to ask our readers to chime in. But first we did a bit of asking around from some breastfeeding experts.

Our Baby Bunching friend Andi of Mama Knows Breast reminded us that it is still possible to get pregnant while nursing, that is how she found herself with Baby #2. While exclusive breastfeeding is a great method of birth control, it's not 100% if certain things don't apply. She referenced Kellymom.com who says "exclusive breastfeeding (by itself) is 98-99.5% effective in preventing pregnancy if 1) your baby is less than 6 months old 2) your period hasn't returned 3) baby is breastfeeding on cue (both day & night), and gets nothing but breast milk or only token amounts of other foods."

Sounds like to us if you're not totally breastfeeding (meaning your babe is getting solids, too) your chances of getting pregnant while nursing do go up. It also may mean just tinking with when/how often you nurse. Check out Kellymom.com's page on breastfeeding and fertility as it might give you some tips on what to do. Good luck!

labor day

We're not talking that kind of labor day, we're talking the kind where baby(ies) come shooting out of you or better yet are lifted out by some medical professional. Everyone likes a good labor story (centimeters, contractions, etc.), but this time we want to hear about the one that brought you into the Baby Bunching world. The one where you had to beg a neighbor to take Big Baby because Little Baby was arriving earlier than expected or the one where Big Baby had to be stashed with Nana (away from you for the first time) while you dealt with this labor game all over again.

Everyone loves a good birth story so we want to hear yours. Hope you all had a fabulous Labor Day weekend.

baby bunching pep talk

Up until now, one of the wackiest Baby Bunching stories I'd heard of was a friend of mine who was in the process of adopting a baby after years of infertility, when she suddenly found herself pregnant - making her two daughters 6 months apart (and I know we have at least one reader who shares this unique situation).  Yesterday, my mom called to tell me of an acquaintance she had recently made whose biological children are 5 months apart.  Yep - you read that right.  In this case, after years of infertility, the parents were preparing to welcome a child via surrogate when the mom got pregnant.  It's so crazy that despite all of our plotting and planning, Mother Nature still manages to keep us on our toes when determining who gets a visit from the stork and when.  Baby Bunching is sometimes planned, sometimes not, but almost always really, really hard for those first couple of years.  

I remember back when, as a newly minted Baby Buncher, I was taking my second son to the pediatrician for the first time at just 4 days old. Hubby had a "can't miss" work meeting, which left me to take both boys to the doctor's office with my mom's assistance.  It may have been a twinge of post-partum blues, but at one point during the visit I almost had a breakdown when I caught my mom looking at me with a look that just screamed, "How in the hell are you going to do this on your own?"  With a husband who traveled frequently and family who were in town for the birth, but actually lived 4 states away, I really was kind of on my own.  And the birth of #2 pre-dated my super duper mom friend network - I was just beginning to befriend the women that I now consider part of my extended family.

At that moment, I mainly wanted to cry because what I needed to hear was, "You can do it." But with no mom friends who had traveled this path before me, there wasn't anyone to tell me that I could do it.  I have never missed my grandmother (who had 4 children in 27 months) more than in those first few months when I just needed someone to tell me that while lots of babies at once may eat you alive in the moment, it won't last forever (and in retrospect you will think it all went too quickly, in some ways).

Honestly, as much as I appreciated my parents' help in those first few days, I was secretly so relieved when they pulled out of the driveway because I needed to prove to myself that I could do it on my own.  I won't deny that there were times when I wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head, but I survived and emerged with a family that's better for it.  And you will too.

bunched by surprise: this mom's experience

By Jennifer Boyle

Any parent or parent-to-be can attest to the fact that pregnancy, even under the best circumstances, can be very daunting…possibly terrifying.  Suddenly, you are solely responsible for another life!  It’s a lot to take in.  Add the term “unplanned” to that pregnancy and the anxiety can multiply exponentially.  Add in “unplanned” AND “two under two” to that pregnancy and…well, you’ve got a glimpse into my reality.  Almost four months after having our first child, despite taking the necessary precautions, I found myself having a staring contest with the double lines of a pregnancy test.  Needless to say, the stick won.  Our daughter is now almost four months old and our son is almost 16 months old.  We became a baby bunching family by surprise.  And we couldn’t be happier.

When we first found out we would be adding to our brood so soon after having our first child, we went through a mix of emotions; guilt, excitement, worry, curiosity.  You name it, we dealt with it.  For me, although I experienced the emotional gamut, aside from a lot of excitement, the emotion that plagued me was guilt.  Would we be cheating our first-born out of all the one-on-one time everyone else’s kids were going to be getting?  Would we be able to devote all the time necessary to proper development with two very young children?  How could we possibly spend as much time with the new baby as we did with our son when he was an infant?   Basically, every unanswered question that tainted our growing excitement centered around whether bunching our babies was fair to them or not.

As people began finding out that we were expecting baby number two, the responses were pretty predictable.  “Wow, you’re really going to have your hands full!” “Gee, don’t you two know what causes that?” “Well, you two will never sleep again!”  Honestly, I never worried much about how their father and I were going to fare.  We wouldn’t even really have a chance to get out of the baby stage before our new one arrived, so I figured we would be old pros by her arrival.  Plus, as parents, you just do what’s necessary.  Because you have to.  Because you want to.  Because it’s your job.  You thrive on little to no sleep.  You put yourself last.  You master the art of multi-tasking.  You become the person that you never imagined you could, but always hoped you would.  No…I didn’t worry about us.  I worried about them.  Nonetheless, time did not wait for us to answer all those nagging questions and we had our daughter six days before her big brother’s first birthday.

To say we had our hands full after our daughter was born would be an understatement.  They’ve continued to be full (overflowing, usually) every blessed day since.  I’ve had some time to process our situation and have made my own realizations. 

First, everyone has their “hands full” when they add a new child to the family.  Whether there are twelve months between babies or twelve years, there are always challenges and hills to climb.  It’s the nature of the beast.  Parenting is not a spectator sport.  If it is, you’re doing it wrong.  There are unique challenges that our parenting peers who spread out their children may not experience, but the pendulum swings the other way, as well. 

Second, we may not have planned it this way, but this is our reality now.  We have welcomed all the challenges head-on and gone full throttle up the hills.  We, as parents, are responsible for deciding what kinds of childhoods our children will have.  Bunching our babies doesn’t send us hurtling toward some sort of predetermined outcome.  It certainly does not mean we love our children any less or are not as concerned about giving them as much individual attention as possible.  We may be spread a little thin from time to time, but we can still give 100%.

Last, a baby is a blessing no matter when he or she arrives.  When I think about the few times I worried about our new baby detracting from the wonderful little family we had just begun to create, I feel pretty silly.  She fits perfectly into our family.  In fact, as cliché as it sounds, I cannot imagine our family without her in it. 

Being a parent is an amazing gift.  I feel a little ungrateful every time I think about how much time I wasted worrying about what we were getting ourselves into rather than being thankful that we were given the opportunity to experience two under two.  Yes, I realize that we’ve only just begun this journey, but now I am nothing but excited to be a part of this baby bunching adventure!

Jennifer is a 29-year-old SAHM with 2 under 2 (or more like 2 under 1).  Little Baby was born 6 days before Big Baby's first birthday.

baby bunching Q/A: new baby to the bunch

This question came to us from Baby Buncher Carrie.

Q: How can I help the oldest of the bunch (in my case, she'll be 22 months old) transition to a new baby. She's too young to understand what is going on, but there must be some great tips out there to help!

A: This is one of our most popular questions. Ironically, it's the easiest to answer, yet probably not the easiest to do. One of the best things about Baby Bunching is that Baby #1 will never remember life without Baby #2. We're convinced this is why siblings so close in age really can remain close over a lifetime.  

Before baby comes you can do what you can, when you can, to educate your toddler about the impending arrival. Books and talking about the baby will help. In the end probably nothing will ever prepare your toddler--or you--for the changes that will occur. Many toddlers like to touch mommy's belly and you can tell toddler that a baby is in there. Yeah, they don't "get it," but on some level I'm sure they do. Maybe.

After baby comes it gets a bit trickier since again, there's not much you can do to really prepare a big baby for little baby. She will find out quickly. Their communication skills are limited, and they still need you for everything. Your toddler will learn the art of patience since you can't attend to his needs at that very moment anymore since you have someone else now. (Give yourself that...it's OK for people to cry, including you.)

Rather than repeating what we've said in a few posts, we recommend a few tips for you here:

• Baby Bunching Stages: What to Expect When You're Expecting #2
• Baby Bunching Novice: Infant + Toddler

Hopefully, these past posts will help you mentally prepare for what is yet to come. Your kids pick up on your attitude as well and this can help them transition into their new world. The best advice is to go into this as prepared as you can and have a sense of humor. Everything you can possibly imagine can and will go wrong during the first few months. You will mix things up. Get the timing wrong. Give someone the wrong pacifier. Put the diaper on the wrong kid. Find yourself shoving Cheerios into a 3 week-old's mouth.  Wear your underwear inside out all day long. Laugh it off (and cry later). You will need the laughs to keep you going and so will your kids.

shall I say congratulations?

By Mrs.Notouching, Diaper Monologues

You know that mom at your playground with three kids that always looks like she just stepped out of a magazine cover? Me neither. The truth is that there just comes a time in your life when sleeping through the night, eating in peace and wearing high-heals just gets old. At least that's what happened to me. How hard can it be to take care of a seven-pound roommate?! Well... it was harder than expected, but at the same time more enjoyable than we had ever imagined. By the time Leila was 9 months I was back to taking daily showers, which to me was a clear sign from the universe that we were ready for another baby. 

"Oh, honey, you don't want TWO toddlers! Wait a few years, relax..." said my childless OB/GYN. 

"Stop this nonsense baby-talk! Wait until Leila is older so that she can help you a little." spoke my mother from experience of having her 10-year old practically raise a baby while everybody went back to work. And trust me, trying to look cool when you are 13-years old is hard enough without having a 3-year-old attached to your leg. So I took their advice with a grain of salt... and a pitcher of margarita.

It was a textbook conception -  I calculated my ovulation, emailed my husband which day he needed to be home early, kept my legs up for 20 minutes, 2 weeks later I peed on the stick and voilà- baby #2 is in the oven! Fireworks! Champagne! Parade! Oh wait... that was the reaction I got the first time. This time?

"You are pregnant AGAIN? ... Congratulations...?"

"You are so brave!"

"Wow! I couldn't do it."

"Congratulations.... but are you CRAZY?!"

Well OK, the "crazy" part came in only after I clarified that we conceived this baby entirely sober and completely aware we had a 9-month old sleeping in another room.  I never had an illusion that it will be easy-breezy-beautiful, but hearing all those reactions does make me question myself a little bit.

Is having two under two that crazy? Maybe I am living in a bubble of denial thinking that I can do it, that my marriage can survive this, and I can raise two perfectly healthy and happy kids. Maybe. But for now I just want to bask in my hormone-induced happiness and beautiful boobs that are finally slowly but surely filling in cup A - a few more weeks and it will make a perfect birthday gift for my husband.

Daiva, also known as "Mrs. Notouching" because if you pronounce her last name correctly, it sounds like "no touching" is a SAHM mom to one child born March 2009 with her second child due August 2010. She lives in California and blogs at the Diaper Monologues.   

timing your bunch

We have a theory here at Baby Bunching that if you are not pregnant again by the time your baby hits his first birthday, you will likely not be pregnant again until he is at least 2.  We have lots of anecdotal (granted, none scientific) evidence in the form of our many, many friends who are Baby Bunchers and our many, many friends who have children who are around three years apart.  We note that we have almost NO friends with children in the 2 1/2 year spacing pattern.  This is because the baby stage from about 9 months to 2 years will kick. your. ass. 

How many of us Baby Bunchers got pregnant when the baby was 9 months old, only to find ourselves saying at the one-year mark, "Holy S*%t, what have I done?"  I personally experienced the feeling that if I were not already pregnant and unable to turn back the clock, there was no way in hell I would've PLANNED to be pregnant again with a 1-year old hanging off the side.

For those of you who are considering Baby Bunching but haven't taken the plunge yet, consider the following.  From about the 5-month mark (when they start sleeping through the night) to about the 10-month mark (when they start crawling really, really fast), babies have a quiet period.  Much like a dormant volcano, they delude you into thinking that this parenting gig isn't so hard after all.  At this age, they are finally starting to reward your indentured servitude by smiling, giggling, and playing with you.  They've started solid foods, so they are no longer the constant companion of your breasts.  They're likely sleeping through the night, even in their own beds, allowing you and the hubby some quality time to rediscover each other.  This would be a good time to remind you that "rediscovering each other" is how you got here in the first place, so be very, very careful.

And then along comes the first birthday and with it, toddlerhood. Toddlers are special, special little people.  Active, curious, and opinionated, they will beat you into submission, much as they did as newborns.  You will find yourself running all day long, constantly dashing to pluck them from harm's way and satisfy their (often unreasonable) demands.  It's just the age, so don't worry - while your precious little tyrant will run you ragged, this too, shall pass. 

As with many things in life, timing is everything when it comes to Baby Bunching, whether you got there by careful planning and plotting of timing, by lack of control over timing (like Linda) or reckless disregard for timing (like me),  So for those of you who are still on the fence, consider yourselves warned and mind the clock!