Mom Blog and Baby Blog | Baby Bunching

developmental milestones: staying on target

Recently, a fellow Baby Buncher posted her concern on Facebook about her child's "slow" language development, wondering how concerned she really should be about a vocabulary that's on the small side, according to toddler milestone standards.

I can totally sympathize, because I've grappled with this issue with two out of my three boys (Big and Baby- Middle started talking when he was 16 months old and hasn't shut up since then).  One of the challenges about Baby Bunching, especially if you're Bunching your first two babies, is that A) you're a first (and really quickly, second) time mom and you're not really sure what "normal" development looks like and B) you're likely drowning in a sea of diapers and bottles and can barely keep your head above water enough to put out fires that arise on a daily basis, more less go looking for the forest among the flaming trees.

My oldest was a "late bloomer", speech-wise and once he turned 3, I grappled for months with whether to have him evaluated.  At the time, my husband was back in school getting his MBA and we had minimal health care coverage, so it was going to cost me $600 out of pocket for a full speech and hearing evaluation.  I have a genetic hearing loss, so I'm overly cautious about hearing tests (he had passed the one at his two-year checkup with flying colors) but the speech thing was still bugging me.  I was able to scout out a Free Speech and Hearing SCREENING day at a local preschool, but the "wait 6 months and see" inconclusive results from that made me nervous.  So I ponied up the $600, figuring that if there was a problem, I would never forgive myself if I let it go a year or two during his most critical stages of development, all over $600.  In the end, it turned out that he was absolutely fine - just a man of few words.  And he still is.

Fast forward and now Baby (the third of my Bunch, who's not technically Bunched, at 3 years younger than Middle) is almost two. He babbles nonstop and follows multi-step instructions, but doesn't speak clearly or use words to convey what he wants and only says a handful of recognizable words.  And by handful, I mean like 3.  Because of my prior experience with Big, and because I figured he's the youngest and his brothers do a lot of talking for him, I really wasn't too worried.  Enter a visit with Grandma, who works at a school for children with communication and learning differences.  Immediately, she insisted suggested that we take Baby on over to the school and try to squeeze in an appointment with the Speech and Language Pathologist (SLP), breezily insisting that she didn't think anything was WRONG with him, but that on the off-chance there was, early intervention could make all the difference in the world.  

Ten minutes into the appointment, I realized that he was not on target.  Not at all.  Not even a little.  Not only could he not say the words, he refused to participate in the test and became outraged when the SLP (gently and lovingly) insisted that he would.  But he was only half of the problem - the other half was me.  She was asking him questions about colors and shapes and it occurred to me that although I drilled his brothers on these things in the first two years of life, things have been so crazy that I've never really focused on WORKING with him on these things.  He sits through story time every night, but he listens to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or Nate the Great, not Big Bird's Guessing Game About Shapes, like his brothers did.  I falsely assumed that he would just assimilate basic things like colors, shapes and words.  He's the baby of the family, so while I expect self-sufficiency from his older brothers, I coddle him - never once forcing him to use his words (even in baby talk) to convey what he wants.  And the word, "no"??  Well, it's no wonder he can't say it - he's never heard it.

It was a true parenting wake-up call.  The SLP sent us away with a homework assignment to focus on learning 5 new words in 6 weeks and a packet of instructional materials to teach us how to help him.  The whole family is in on the act now, with even the Bigs insisting that he use his words.  We're actively working on age-appropriate tasks like colors/numbers/words and Baby has his own story hour, with board books instead of chapter books.  In almost 2 weeks, he's made great progress, adding about ten words - not clear as a bell, but he's trying, at least.  Our next step is to have his hearing evaluated at his 2 year appointment and then follow up with the pediatrician and SLP about next steps.

Baby Bunching, although overwhelming, is still not an excuse for lazy parenting, and I feel I'm guilty (albeit unintentionally) of that with Baby. In this case, early intervention WAS key - even if not necessarily for the baby.  If you're still with me after wading through this long post, my points are this: A) it's never wrong to listen to your gut - if you feel something is "off" - follow your instincts and B) don't let Baby Bunching beat you down to the point that you're blowing off potential problems in the hopes that your Bunch will "grow out of them" or they'll go away.  For a Baby Buncher, the first five years of your kids' life are difficult for you, but that doesn't make them any less critical.  Yes, every child grows at his/her own pace, but be sure you're focused on knowing the milestones (www.healthychildren.org is a great American Academy of Pediatrics site that lists these) and where your Bunch is at in achieving them.  

We often say here on Baby Bunching that the first two years of Bunching is about survival, but sometimes, just surviving isn't enough.

thank god for bad days

By Sharon M.

Baby Bunchers far and wide know the type of bad day that I just had. It was ONE OF THOSE days. The kind where you put the kids to bed a half hour early because you just can’t deal with one more temper tantrum from an unreasonable 2 year old. The kind that makes you ignore the dirty dishes and sit on the couch with a glass of wine. Even a normal day with my 4 bunched kids is enough to make my husband scream. But THIS day was like a train wreck, even for me! I couldn’t even begin to describe how everything that could go wrong went impossibly wrong. Thankfully, no children were seriously injured in the making of this bad day…but my 2 year old sure did try his best to test those injury limits! When everyone was tucked snugly and reluctantly in their beds, the only thing that hurt was my throat from having to raise my voice too much.

Anyone who has to deal with a newborn and a 2 year old at the same time quickly realizes the potential of these bad days. Believe it or not, I actually appreciate them. Even though it can feel like torture at the time, things do get better once I have had a chance to recover. More importantly, they make me happy for the good days. I learn from the bad and move on to a better tomorrow. Baby Bunching moms develop awesome skills for multi-tasking and adapting. We know that if Johnny spilled his cup of water three times today that we should only fill his cup with a tablespoon of water at a time tomorrow. We know that if our 2 year old raids the pantry everytime he sees us nursing the baby that the pantry door needs to be closed before we start nursing. We know that if our 3 year old only wets her pants whenever she sits in the new red chair that we need to encourage a potty break before she sits in it…or keep her from sitting in it at all! We know that if any of the kids throw up after drinking too much milk all at once that we will have to start limiting the milk.

We learn from our daily child-rearing problems and work out the tiniest details to make everything turn out better. So, tomorrow is bound to be easier because now I know how to avoid the train wreck of today. Tomorrow I will know better than to take all four children to the fancy ophthalmologist’s office down the street. Tomorrow I will know better than to give my 2 year old a blue M&M when he clearly only wants green ones. Tomorrow I will be able to cherish the sweet, quiet moments with my children at home instead of chasing after them in the grocery store. That is why I thank God for bad days!

Sharon M., mother of four (ages 5, 3, 2 and 4 months) www.TheHeartDiseaseGuide.com

(If you are interested in guest posting here on Baby Bunching, please give us a shout out. We're always looking for new contributors.)

we are family

By Rachel Ostlie

A hundred years ago, Baby Bunching was more the rule than the exception. If you were healthy enough to carry a baby, and your babies were healthy enough to survive, then two under two, or even three under three, was your lot.

A hundred years ago, there were no automatic washing machines, dishwashers, vacuum cleaners or even frozen vegetables. However, you did have family. Most people blessed with a bunch of babies had a mother, or a sister, or a cousin, who was readily available to lend a hand. Perhaps those with money even had a maid or a nanny.

The landscape today is rather different. Those of us with two babies in tow can quickly feel alienated and lonely. We don't “fit” with our current culture: with preschool schedules, baby gear, and even backseat carseat accommodations, which are structured around children spaced at the magical 2.5 year mark. Moreover, many of us are lacking that mother, sister, cousin (or maid or nanny) to help us through the pull-your-hair-out crazy times.

With my children's grandparents in Paraguay and Chile, an uncle in Albania, and aunts scattered throughout the midwestern States, I have had to take a creative approach to family. Because even though I have a dishwasher, a vacuum cleaner, and frozen vegetables, I know I still need family as well.

So here it is, my two-pronged strategy to Baby Bunching Sans Family:

1) Build up your pseudo-family. In the absence of family nearby, you must create a support structure. Take the time to establish close friendships with people who have your back, and you can cover theirs. This could be a retired next-door-neighbor. Or another family in your playgroup. Or a single gal from your church. Find ways to help each other, and make sure to spend time building your friendship as well. Invite the retired neighbor over for tea, and you might find out that she'd love to keep your spare house key (just in case you manage to get everyone and everything out the door except your purse). Exchange babysitting with the other family, and do summer cook-outs together. Go have some fun with your single girlfriend from church; down the road you could ask her to babysit while you go out for your wedding anniversary. There are so many other options- be creative! The only requirement is to find people around you who already feel like family, and then treat them like family (in the best sense of the word).

2) Cherish your far-flung family. Maybe you miss them like crazy. Or maybe your style is more along the lines of out of sight, out of mind. Either way, you need to cherish grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and involve them in your lives. Much of the same technology that has resulted in families living across the globe can also make a new closeness possible.

Examples and ideas:

- Call family up on the phone (speaker phone seems to work best with little ones) or video call through a program like Skype. You could even set a weekly appointment for “spending time” with family this way.
- Spend your money on travel, instead of that new deck. Give your kids a chance to visit their family, and reconnect with them in person. If skimping and saving still isn't getting you there, maybe the family member you are visiting will pitch in for the gas/tickets.
- Don't forget to bring your family into your kids' daily lives. When I was growing up overseas, my mom prominently displayed pictures of our grandparents, so we wouldn't forget them. My kids each have a board book with photos of grandparents, aunts, and uncles- – these books are favorites around here! Try www.blankslatebooks.com/ to make your own.
- Make story time a family time. Have a relative read a book aloud (on cassette, or recorded on their computer's microphone), then send the recording with the book for your children to enjoy.
- Keep a map up with everyone's location pinpointed, along with pictures to identify them. Older kids could do all kinds of geography, time-telling, and even math activities with a map like this.
- Have your older kids play board games or card games with their relatives online. Programs like Yahoo! Messenger allow you to voice chat and play classics like checkers or dominoes online with an opponent (and no possible interruptions by random strangers).

These ideas of my two-pronged strategy are all ones that I have done or seen done. But I would love to hear any from your end. How do you build up your pseudo-family? How do you help your children cherish their far-flung relatives? We aren't living one hundred years ago, so how do you do family with your bunch?

Rachel is a Baby Bunching mom of a 27-month-old girl who loves parties and a 12-month-old boy who loves adventure. She grew up in Colombia, and now lives in the Chicago area.

baby bunching battles: diaper rash

My first two years of Baby Bunching were an endless stream of, among other things, diaper rashes.  Two babies meant that someone was always either teething, trying a new food for the first time, or ill with a stomach virus or cold that messed up the pipes.  Heaven forbid it was something contagious, in which case BOTH bums would be red as fire engines.  It was then that I discovered the value of a Costco membership for diapers and wipes (and later, formula), but could never quite find a diaper creme that could nip a diaper rash in the bud.

The funny thing about diaper cremes is that it's one of those weird things that people seem to have brand loyalty to.  Desitin was the ointment of my childhood,  my pediatrician recommended Aveeno, but my son's daycare director swore by A + D ointment (had to be original formula).  A friend recommended Boudreaux's Butt Paste, another used Bert's Bees and a third insisted on Balmex.  In my quest to conquer a two-year long diaper rash, I tried them ALL - never fully settling on one that worked without fail every time.  Until my friend Jen introduced me to her secret recipe, which worked EVERY TIME - frequently after just the first application, but always after 2 or 3.  A friend who is a NICU nurse recently confirmed that she was able to con the recipe for the NICU's "butt paste" out of the pharmacist and it similar, with one slight variation.  I share this with you today, my friends, in the hopes that I can save you from the expense and waste of a drawer filled with pseudo-effective butt products.  Happy pasting!

No-Fail Butt Paste

Combine equal parts:

Lotrimin (or some other athlete's foot or anti-fungal cream - or Polysporin is another alternative)

Desitin (original formula)

Cornstarch mixed with a bit of water to make it pasty

Stir all three together until evenly blended and pasty.  I get a small plastic dish with a lid and make a small "batch" to have on hand for the duration of the rash spell.  But like I said - I've never had to use it more than 2 or 3 times on any given rash.

a buncher's work is never done

Checking household chores off the list is never an easy feat for a Baby Buncher, but have you noticed that there are some chores that just seem IMPOSSIBLE thanks to your Bunch?  For me, it was vacuuming and putting away laundry.  

The nap trap made it almost impossible for me to vacuum - ever.  Either the kids were awake and underfoot so I couldn't vacuum or they were asleep and I couldn't vacuum for fear of waking one of them and losing precious "me" time (which I almost always used to do the chores I couldn't complete while they were awake). 

Ditto with getting clothes put away.  I could wash, dry and fold periodically throughout the day, but the only time I could ever seem to get things put away was during nap time.  Only I couldn't - because kids were sleeping in all rooms containing dressers.  For this reason, I managed to accumulate 3 laundry baskets perpetually filled with clean, folded clothes that just got shifted from the laundry room to the master bedroom to the living room to the dining room and straight to the kids' bodies, but never to their actual dressers or closets. I used to feel pretty bad about this until I talked to a Baby Bunching friend who told me that the youngest of her Bunch (at a little over a year) had never actually slept in her crib because they used it as the family laundry basket for clean, unfolded baby clothes.

As with many things Baby Bunching, time heals all wounds.  Now that I just have a baby and not a bunch of them, the clothes problem is solved because I put everyone's clothes except the baby's away during nap time and then put his away when I change his diaper after nap.  In fact, I'm getting ready to toss two of the laundry baskets just so I'm not ever tempted to get into a vicious failure-to-put-away cycle again.

Vacuuming still sucks because I can't do it during nap time, but when I do squeeze it in while the Bigs are at school, there's only one toddler to prevent from getting Hooverized instead of a toddler and a crawler and that helps.  That and the fact that we got hardwoods on the downstairs level so there's one less floor to vacuum.

Baby Bunching wants to know - what's your perpetually unfinished household business thanks to your Bunch? And more importantly, got any suggestions for other Bunchers on how to resolve theirs?

maternity leave...again?

By Corinne

When I announced my first pregnancy to my boss, she smiled, gave me a hug and threw me a baby shower. When I shared my second pregnancy, she said something neutral like, “Wow! Really?” When I shared my third pregnancy in as many years, I didn’t have a carefully crafted speech. I was stressed, juggling my new Bunch, work and pregnancy hormones, and I guess it showed. One day my boss was in my office and said, “You seem a little off.  Are you mad at me?” I blurted out, “No, I’m not mad, just pregnant again.” So much for a professional, prepared approach.

I am lucky. My boss, while I’m sure not thrilled, was supportive. My organization has a long history working in global health, including maternal and child health.  My colleagues are probably more understanding than those in some other settings.

Regardless, I did receive my share of surprising remarks. One colleague told me that she’d like to take a 12 week break every year too. [Who said anything about a break? Hey, sign me up for one of those too!] When I told one of my normally lovely superiors about my 3rd pregnancy she said, “Well, that was fast.” Then silence. Hmmmm…what was I supposed to say to that? The prize though goes to my colleague, let’s call him Jack, who said with a chuckle, “just because you help us find information on family planning, it doesn’t mean you read it, huh?”

It is hard as an employee not to feel guilty for taking closely spaced maternity leaves. You may have a couple of opinionated colleagues who think it’s unprofessional or unfair. Most, however, will understand that maternity leave is not a vacation. I worked hard while I was pregnant, prepared a plan for the duration of my leave, and returned each time. For better or worse, I am the one with the uterus in my marriage, so I try not to feel guilty. I could have spaced my pregnancies to suit my employer, but that seemed shortsighted. I wanted three children close in age before I got too old. So, I went for it.

Before announcing a pregnancy, especially a second or third closely spaced pregnancy, you do have to consider your employer and situation as you consider timing and approach. How much leave are you requesting? Do you plan to return to work in the same capacity or at all? Are you asking for anything beyond the standard policy? How supportive has your employer been in the past? Is your employer large enough to be required by the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) to preserve your job and benefits?

In my case, protected by FMLA and certain I would return to work, I told my immediate supervisor a couple of weeks before the rest of the organization, around 11 weeks. I went public at 13 weeks, early enough so the rumor mill wouldn’t start before I made it official. I stated early and often, with more enthusiasm than I felt, that I intended to return to work and talked actively about the projects I would take on when I returned. I didn’t share concerns my boss had no control over (e.g. how in the world would I get to work on time if I had to breastfeed an infant and get two toddlers dressed and out the door?). This approach allayed some of the concern my boss had about whether I would really return after each baby came.

How did you break your bunching news at work? What was the response?

Corinne lives in the Raleigh/Durham area of North Carolina She has two boys (ages 3 and 2) and a girl (8 months).

on the heels of big brother

This week we had kindergarten orientation for my youngest. Believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are. Almost five years ago, I entered the world of Baby Bunching (before the term even existed) and here I am escorting my daughter into elementary school.

(Side note: It really does pass quicker than you think it will. As the guidance counselor told us on Monday--and it did make cry--these days speed by so treasure your little jewels while you can.)

There are many pros and cons to siblings close in age. I actually haven't decided if having one follow on the heels of another is good or bad, yet, since we've only just reach this point. You never want your child to only be referred to as so-and-so's brother/sister. But I think one of the occupational hazards of having kids in rapid succession is they are often lumped together as a "unit." As my kids have grown, I have learned that each kid really is an individual. I probably knew that from Day 1 when little sister slept and ate differently than her brother. All along the way everything has been unique for each child yet in the day-to-day so much is done with both kids together.

In the case of school, I'm curious how this will affect us next year. We've hopped around from preschool to preschool enough that my kids have never had the same teacher. Next year will be a first for us.

My own brother and I had three years between us. So while we had some of the same teachers along the way, time and 90 students or so had passed between my time and his. With many of us Baby Bunchers, we don't have this luxury. Child #2 or #3 comes along right after the previous one. I imagine as a teacher, it has to be hard to not compare and contrast siblings because even I, sadly, admit to doing that more often than I should.

Then I wonder that perhaps for Baby Bunched siblings the sense of being part of big brother/sister might actually help them feel better about situations and adjust better. My daughter will enter into a school of kids up to age 12 after only just turning 5. Her big brother, who adores her, will be there to help pave the road. She will have to find her own way separate from his.

On the way home from orientation, I asked her if during her breakout session with the teacher she told them she was Alex's sister. Her response: No, I told them my name was Anna Kerr. Perhaps this won't be so much of an issue after all.

doggonit! our new arrival

As you know, we have been wavering on the fence for some time about another baby to add to our Bunch. But, alas, hubby and I decided our current Bunch (with all their extraordinary energy) were enough for us to handle for now. Since then I have picked up extra hours at work, hired a cleaning crew for twice a month and a sitter for two afternoons a week to help me work more efficiently during my limited "working hours." All was going smoothly, until three weeks ago.

That was when the puppy arrived.

Let it be known it is never, ever a good idea to take a work call on the weekend. Because while engrossed in conversation with my boss, my Bunch and daddy slipped off to get a puppy! (Yes, I was in disbelief as well.) As I issued commands from home like "turn the car around and come home," I realized that my OKing the idea of a puppy a few weeks before left the window wide open for his imminent arrival.

And so Diego came to be part of our family, canine though he is, he's now here.

Just in case any of our readers are contemplating getting a puppy, I'd like to provide you with some insight into what a puppy can do for you and your Bunch. Remember that my bunch is on the older end with my oldest nearing 6 and youngest at 4 1/2. My kids can dress themselves, wipe their bottoms (most of the time), brush their teeth, and go to bed without too much fuss. Enter the dog. Think it's like having another baby? No, it's worse. It's like having a toddler that is......well, a dog. All the things we tolerate from our toddlers we do because they are in a massive developmental phase and an investment in our legacy. Someday soon, they will be little people with their own personalities. A puppy does all the same toddlery things, but he's still just a dog.

So I now spend my days, watching the dog to make sure he doesn't pee/poop on the floor because he will if you let him out of your sight. (Do they make doggie diapers?) I have to take him outside constantly to reinforce the outside potty usage. My kids who were so enthralled by the dog two weeks ago do nothing but make the dog a crazy nutcase then run to hide in their rooms while I deal with the repercussions. The dog has destroyed dresses, shoes, sofas, table in only a matter of weeks.  

Balancing your Bunch takes patience, percision, smarts, trial and error, and bravery. Picture standing on one foot, with kid on breast, other kid in arms and phone on ear (with dinner on the stove and laptop on the counter). We moms work very hard perfecting the balance and it can take years to even get close. There is nothing like a dog to come swooshing in at top speed, toppling you over and reminding you how one little drop can affect the whole pond.

baby bunching Q/A: snubbed by little baby

This question comes from Baby Buncher Kelly.

Q: My baby is now 9 months and has terrible seperation anxiety, so I feel like I'm holding/wearing her all the time and I feel like my poor 2 year old is getting the shaft. Any tips on getting through this stage w/ my sanity?

A: First of all, let us assure you, you're doing the right thing. Wearing your baby keeps her happy and you, since you have one less person to keep track of. Your toddler is probably less bothered by this than you think. By the way, this is the life you will come to know.....for a long time. You only have two hands so unless you can produce two more, Baby Bunching means you will become a master in juggling.

Try not to beat yourself up over it. No matter how close in age your kids are they will both come to realize (in their own time) that the world doesn't center around them. A definite pro to siblings.

Kids will learn patience over time, whether they like waiting for you to finish up with little brother or big sister is not really the point. But they will like having a playmate down the road so chances are they'll take the bad with the good.

A few things to consider:

--Your kids, especially when they're small, really just want you around. So even if you're dealing with baby and still talking to your toddler and engaging with him in some way, he's probably OK with you multitaskking.

--Even small amounts of 1:1 time make a difference. Baby is taking a nap and you need to run around doing laundry, cleaning up and getting dinner ready while you only have one kid to manage. Stop and take 10 minutes (yes, even 10 minutes is huge) to read a book or cuddle with your toddler. Chances are after 10 minutes they lose focus anyway.

--It's a short phase. Soon, both your kids--especially since they are so close in age--will be playing together so you'll be able to play with both of them at the same time. Or better yet, they'll take off, shut the door and play together for 30 minutes while you read a magazine. Score!

baby bunching Q/A: babysitters

Q: What are some creative babysitting solutions for my Bunch (ie, babysitting co-op with your friends)?

A: Ah yes, babysitting. Remember the days when you babysat for kids and charged some ungodly low rate to sit and watch TV Those days seem to be long gone. When you've got a Bunch, we bet there are not a ton of sitters lining up at your door to babysit your two under two. We're not going to sugar coat it, finding good, reliable, affordable sitters can be a challenge when you're kids are wee ones.

You probably have different needs for childcare: dinner out with hubby, doctor's appointments, errands, break from kids. Even if you don't have a regular sitter, there definitely are some creative options to getting what you need.

A babysitting co-op is probably the most guilt free way to get free, reliable babysitting. Many mom's groups have these already established so ask around. The basic principle is you sign up with a group of other moms. You earn points for babysitting and use points by having someone else babysit your kids. The best part is there are sites like Babysitter Exchange that manage all of this for you. This model is nice because daytime sitting means your kids probably get a play date out of the gig.

Along the same idea of a co-op is a type of babysitting playgroups. This is a group of moms and  their kids of similar ages. Two moms together watch a group of kids while the other two-three moms go run errands or schedule appointments. It's hectic but if everyone chips in then you only have to "work it" every few weeks.

If you don't have a large group of mom friends for this, consider swapping babysitting favors with a friend or neighbor. Especially when it's evening sitting, moms are usually OK with curling up on a book at someone else's house while mom and dad go out. If your neighbors all have grown kids, befriend a grandmotherly type. You'd be surprised how an almost empty nester might be willing to watch your kids for a few hours one afternoon as a treat rather than a chore.

Another untapped resource is the au pair market. Many of the au pairs come to work for families with school-aged kids. Hiring one to pick up extra work between 9 to 3 means you get a good quality, legal, trained, kid-friendly sitter for a decent price. Others have stayed on to complete school or pick up an extra degree and have better hours available for sitting. They are better suited for taking care of multiple kids.

If you have a school-aged child in your neighborhood (12-16), a mother's helper is another option. We tend to not recommend you go too far with these younger gals, but most are great at helping you when you're in the home and just needing some time to get things done. Or if you have a doctor's appointment, bring them along to help you out. Sometimes all you need is another set of hands. They tend to charge around $5 an hour so it's an option you may want to explore.

Don't forget your gym! Most gym child care centers give you two hours to work out. I know moms (including myself) who bring their laptop to the gym after a work out and follow up on emails, take care of some business or return phone calls. This is a perfect way to get a few minutes to yourself and maybe even have a cup of coffee. The cost is usually built in to your membership, and if not, isn't $1 an hour worth it?

Any other great ideas we missed, let us know.