Mom Blog and Baby Blog | Baby Bunching

playground pecking order: mommy edition

By Rachel Ostlie

Do you remember back in elementary school? Everybody knew where everyone else stood in the playground pecking order. There was the “smartest kid,” the “fastest kid,” the “class clown,” and the “best draw-er.” Toward the upper elementary school years, I think we started developing a fashion sense and then kids were sorted into “cool” and “not cool.”

I had a flashback to those days today at the library. I take my little baby there for a 0-24 mos 'Moms and Babies Book Time' class, and big baby tags along. Today, because it was fiercely cold outside, we stuck around the library so the kids could play for a while out of the house. At the kiddie computers with touch screens, my big baby made friends with a mom and two kids (boy-girl twins) at the next computer over. The mom was super friendly and included my daughter while I chased little baby around the book aisles.

At first blush, this seemed like the perfect mom friend. Her kids were well-dressed and well-behaved. She acted like an early childhood education major with her way of narrating everything and encouraging participation from the trio of toddlers crowded around the baby computer game. But as our kids swarmed from one activity to another (Puzzles! Ship with puppets! Reading Tree with beanbags!) the feelings started. Feelings of inferiority, with a dash of jealousy. Yes, her kids were well-dressed, but they were better dressed than mine. Yes, her kids were well-behaved; they sat quietly while she read them a story, while mine continued jumping around on the beanbags. The sorest spot? They were just barely two, but babbled away in full sentences, using words like “tunnel” and all their colors. My big baby daughter, who turns three this month and is growing up with both Spanish and English, is nowhere near their level. In fact, when the über-mom asked her name, big baby held up her hand, fingers upward, and said, “Two.”

Each minute that passed, the debate raged within me. To stay, or to go? To make friends, or to just take the hook out of this fish and never turn back? Was my own insecurity as a mother a good enough reason to quit this relationship before it began? Just because I wasn't the smartest, fastest, funniest, or best draw-er, should I shy away from the monkey bars?

I'm still not sure what the right answer is... I'm almost thirty, and have been married for eight years, but I still have a lot to learn about relationships. How much of it is about what I get, and how much is about what I give? And how do my kids interplay in this give-get ratio? I'd welcome any suggestions or words of wisdom, but most of all, I hope this post reminds others that they aren't alone. No matter where you go, there will always be someone who makes you feel (in words or deed) that you'll never measure up. Then again, maybe next time you will be the superhuman über-mom everybody's jealous of...

Rachel is a Baby Bunching mom of a 3-year old and an18-month-old boy who are already being mistaken for twins. She lives in the Chicago area.

readjusting to new phases

Just when you have the routine down and life is going great, we promise something will change (growth spurts, potty training, illness, dropping naps, outgrowing the baby carrier, you get the idea).  What worked yesterday may not work tomorrow.

In the first year or so of Baby Bunching, we both got used to never letting ourselves get locked into thinking the way it is today is the way it has to stay. Heck, our kids keeping us on our toes is what makes life interesting.

As we steamrolled (or better yet hurricaned) through the first few years leaving the house a mess, birthday cards unsent and holidays half-assed, at some point it all plateaus. Yep, ladies and gents, you're hearing that right. At some point, you will wake up one more and everyone will sit at the table feeding themselves--they might even be able to pour the cereal, they will dress themselves and you will actually be able to finish your morning coffee. The tricky part is this may continue for a while and you'll fall into that comfortable routine. Then next week you'll wake up and and find yourself scrambling and trying to readjust all over again.

Folks, I have entered into a whole new phase of this Baby Bunching ride and while it is not quite as crazy as before, I'm finding myself at a new level of exhaustion trying to be one step ahead, but still catch my breath.

My kids are both in school now, and while one is still half-day kindergarten, I am finding the required level of both physical and mental energy on the steady increase. Each morning is filled with getting kids out the door. You think that's not hard well consider all the factors. The afternoons are filled with play dates, soccer practice, swimming and music. And for some reason this new phase is causing me to stop and reassess. The downside is I haven't had a chance to take a breath. One activity leads into the next and the next thing I know I'm waking up and it's morning. Here we go again today.

baby bunching at the playground

We are LOVING this cooler fall weather, which means lots of opportunities to get our Bunches outside to play hard in the fresh air (which translates into better naps and earlier bedtimes).  But we bet that if you're six or more months into Baby Bunching, you've realized that ironically, playgrounds are actually not always the most kid-friendly place spaces when you've got a crawler who prefers wood chips to goldfish crackers and a toddler who's learned how to sprint and wants to explore the big-kid equipment.  

No, not all playgrounds are created equal, but over the years we've learned how to scope out the most Buncher-friendly ones.  Here are a few evaluation criteria for you to use when sussing out play places.

-Ground cover.  Few playgrounds have concrete anymore - if you find one that does, skip it.  Steer clear of gravel, which is a giant pit of choking hazards when your kids are very young.  Wood chips are OK until your baby is old enough to shove them in her mouth.  Sand is usually fine and could possibly entertain older toddlers more than the play equipment.  Rubber surfacing is great - just be sure the day is not too sunny so your little ones don't burn themselves crawling on the surface.

-Age-appropriate playscapes.  If your baby and toddler are both on the move, we really recommend that you stick to playgrounds that only have toddler playscapes.  Toddlers are curious and adventurous creatures, and will likely gravitate towards scaling the most advanced equipment in sight.  If you've got a crawler to spot as well, then stick to the little kid's playgrounds.

-Proximity to street.  Our city has an awesome playground with rubber surfacing and age appropriate equipment.  Too bad it is literally yards from the city's busiest street and only half of it is fenced in.  Clearly, none of the city's Parks and Rec planners have children.  Your Bunch can probably run faster than you can.  Save yourself the stress and find a park set a good bit back from the road.

-Crowds.  Is the park frequented by other people with small children or are there lots of school-aged big kids that will run roughshod over your kids?  Is the park typically very crowded?  Is it easy to keep track of your kids?  Which brings us to a related point...

-Visibility.  Is the equipment laid out so that you can see your kids at all times?  Or is the playground so big that they can slip from play area to play area without you really seeing them and get lost?

-Water hazards.  Kids are drawn to water like moths are to flames.  If you're on your own with the kiddos, might want to steer clear of that park with the sweet little creek running through it.

-Restrooms.  Available?  Clean?  Potty training toddler - need we say more?

-Shade patterns.  Babies and toddlers get overheated fast.  Look for shaded playgrounds or unshaded ones for the winter months, which may give you a bit more warmth in the cool late afternoon.

-Remoteness.  As a mom with very young children, you do not want to be in a remote area alone with your kids.  Our city has an awesome toddler park set back in the woods.  And they use county prisoners to do trash pickup there.  Again, someone in the city left their thinking cap at home.  We prefer to visit this park in groups and steer clear of it on days we are playing by ourselves.

There are a few pieces of gear you need to have on hand for your playground visit, especially if you come with a baby who is not yet mobile. Make sure you always have a blanket (so you can spread out over the mulch, sand, gravel so your baby can sit/lay and watch), a stroller and some kind of carrier. You need your hands free to supervise your toddler as he tries to leap off some ledge or in case he needs to be rescued from a slide.  The best accessory, of course, is a friend.  With multiple adults, you can fan out around the playground and collectively supervise all of your children in "zones" without breaking stride in conversation.  Happy playtime to all!

baby bunching Q/A: 2 kids, 2 birthdays in a week

A question from Amanda about celebrating birthdays.

Q: Any ideas on how to celebrate 2 birthdays at once? I feel like my oldest got the shaft last year for his first birthday because I was two weeks postpartum. Their birthdays are less than two weeks apart and it seems like it would be less work to only have one party. Also, how can I gracefully tell guests NOT to bringa gift? Between having two kids under two, we have enough toys and books!

A:I feel your pain - we have two birthdays in one week here (my 2 and 5 yos), plus their dad's just a few days later, to boot. We are BIRTHDAYED OUT by the end of the last week of July. What we ended up doing that has worked well is alternating who gets the "big" party. Last year we had a blowout for the one-year old, and the four-year old had a low key party with a few friends. This year, five-year old actually had a big "unbirthday" during the school year because he is a summer birthday and most of his friends are traveling the last week of July as well. That also worked well. Two-year old (who got the big bash last year) just had a small family gig.

That being said since your kids are a year apart (if I read that right) you probably could get away with doing a joint party for a while. Usually peak birthday ages--you know where they talk about birthdays constantly--are from 4 until 7 or so and then they tend to get smaller again. (Meaning a few friends for a sleepover or a movie will suffice.) During that short window, you may just have to do back-to-back parties or find creative ways to include friends from both kids. Playground parties are great because you're not head counting except for food. Pool parties also give you some flexibility with numbers and a broad age range.

To address the present issue, when they are tiny, just say no gifts on the invitation. Most people will be grateful for it. But when they get bigger, it's a bit harder to dodge the presents. And gifts by then are fun for the kids to actually give, too.  We have scaled way back on the gifts we buy them to help offset the gift giving extravaganza.  Also, we have finally shifted our grandparents to checks for the college fund and a small book or something, which helps as well.

name your favorite baby carrier

One of the challenges to Baby Bunching is always transportation--by car, stroller or foot. Usually we talk strollers here, but we've had several requests to put together a Baby Carrier Guide similar to our Double Stroller Guide.

But this time we need a little help from our friends. Back when we had our first two, our options for toting our babes were A) sling B) Baby Bjorn and C) cheap knock off of Baby Bjorn. Fortunately, for those Bunchers today, the selection for carriers is nearing that of double strollers. So we wanted to lend a hand on things to consider when choosing your carrier.

We're been taking a mini poll over on our Facebook page. (Please feel free to join in.) But you can leave a comment here or email us directly with your favs. We'll do the research on all the products available and report back on pros/cons and pricing. So what will it be? Ergo, Moby, Baby Hawk, Beco? Let us know.

baby bunching Q/A: teething, no sleep, traveling husband

Q: HELP! Need some support from those who understand! My husband is traveling (again!), my seven-month old is teething, and my 25 month old has decided that he no longer wants to sleep at night and as a result is throwing HORRIBLE tantrums... any tantrum advice? Love my little and my big but think I am going to lose my marbles!

A: This is difficult when everything comes to a head at once. Let us address each of these individually. Probably the easiest is the teething. Teething at any age and during any circumstance, sucks. Give him some Tylenol/Motrin so he's not in total pain. Some other remedies that might help are Hyland's Teething Tablets (which came highly recommended by both Cara's pediatrician and dentist when #2 was teething and DID help),  the Fresh Food Feeder from Munchkin (put in some cold frozen food and let them go to town) or even a wet washcloth or pacifier put into the freezer for awhile works well.  Sadly, there's not much you can do other than make your baby feel comfortable.

Husband traveling is unfortunate. Both Cara and Linda endured periods where husband was rarely around, even if they were in town. Again, it's kind of the way the cards fall and you have to make the best of of it. Bedtime can be the hardest to cope with solo since you only have so many hands. Getting the easiest one to bed first is always a must.

Your biggest challenge is the "not sleeping." If your husband is traveling, you need the sleep as much as your kids since you're doing double duty during the day (and probably night). Sleep issues start a vicious cycle of whining, hunger, tantrums and myriad of other fun activities. Sleep training is critical at this point, especially if you're doing this alone. Perhaps he's not taking a long enough nap or maybe it's too long. You might have to play with nap schedule and bedtime to get it. But the main thing with bedtime is consistency, which of course, is the hardest thing to do when everyone's tired.

If your current routine is no longer working, change it up a bit to help you when hubby's away and try to stick with it even when he's home. The main thing is not backing down. You have to expect there may be some tears for a few nights if you're holding your ground. It's OK. By age 2, your son knows what's expected of him at bedtime. Be strong.

the toys have won, for now

By Sharon M.

Many people have asked me how I can possibly “do it all” with caring for my 4 young children, working a part-time job, volunteer work, extracurricular activities, and cooking, cleaning and laundry for 6 people.  The first thing I usually say is, “I don’t do it all!”  I know that Babybunching.com has addressed the issue of overwhelming housework before, but since it’s a perpetual issue for all of us I thought I might put my 2 cents in.
 
I learned early on that my type A personality needed to let some things go in order to survive having a big family.  For instance, I value my time with the kids more than keeping a super-clean house.  Currently I am the only one who is capable of doing all the household chores for the 6 people living in my house.  My husband works 6 days a week and my kids are all too young to help much (ages 5 and under).  Essentially, there’s only one of me versus a pile of dirty clothes, a stack of dirty dishes and roomfuls of cluttery toys.  Generally anything “dirty” gets my attention long before I get around to something “cluttery.”  Since I value my time with the kids during the day and absolutely require my downtime at night after they go to bed, a few household chores are bound to pile up. 
 
Whenever it seems that I have too much to do, I simply must prioritize!  In other words, I do basic maintenance cleaning only on a daily basis.  As a matter of pride, I do a more thorough cleaning when company comes over.  This means that I put off dusting or clearing out all the toys until a friend stops by.  I actually make it a point to schedule a play date every now and then just to give me a reason for making the house sparkling clean.  Otherwise, I just don’t see the great need for dusting the bookshelves or vacuuming the fanblades when I could be teaching my son new words to read! 
 
I take comfort in knowing that one day the children will be old enough to clean thoroughly and independently (they’re starting to get there already!).  Then I can once again sit back and enjoy the comfort of a tidy house.  Until then, I have resigned myself to a life of toys and dust in every nook and cranny of the house.  The clutter of toys may have won today but their victory will be short!!
 
Sharon M. is mother to a Bunch of 4--four under 5 to be exact.

baby bunching Q/A: morning craziness

We received this question from Shell on our Facebook page.

Q: Any tips on how to successfully get several children that wake at the same time our of bed and downstairs? I have a 2 1/2 year old and 16 months old. I am expecting #3 in September. I have just ordered at Stop Light clock for my oldest with hopes of teaching him to get out of bed by himself, but would love any other ideas!

A: Your morning routine will be dictated by two things:  1) what time everyone wakes up (and if everyone happens to wake up at the same time) and 2) whether Dad is around to help. While some moms find it easier if children wake up in a staggered order so you can start putting them through the morning routine assembly line (diaper change, breakfast, dressed, shoes) in the order in which they arise, most of us aren't blessed with this capability to choose when our kids wake up.   We get what we get and embrace it!

However, Baby Bunchers universally agree (no study needed) that given the choice, we prefer to have Dad around to help as much as possible in the morning.  This makes it easier for you to either Divide and Conquer (put a parent on each kid) or put Dad on the kids while you treat yourself to a quick shower and throwing on some clothes. If you can, get Dad to focus on getting your oldest child fed and dressed so that you can focus on getting baby ready for the day.

Whether or not the morning routine is a team effort, we do have a few Baby Buncher tips for streamlining the process.  Again, organization factors in heavily here.  Since it is a pain in the butt to travel back and forth from areas (upstairs/downstairs) as a unit, try to bring everything you need to get everyone dressed into the kitchen/dining area when you bring the children in for breakfast.  This means diapers, clothes, shoes/socks, toothbrushes (you should already have these at your kitchen sink, per our earlier recommendations).  Don’t forget any combs or hair stuff you might need.  We also recommend keeping a stack of inexpensive washcloths in the kitchen somewhere.  These are good not only for food spills and mop-ups, but also for face cleaning and hair-wetting when getting ready.

Assessing your children's eating habits can help alleviate morning crazies as well. Perhaps one child awakes starving and would be happier with a cheerio-like cereal or banana in his belly before moving onto the next activity of the morning or the other child isn't ready to be served breakfast until a morning poo. Watching toddler pick at cereal while you nurse a baby gives you time to snack everyone in the same place. Knowing everyone's eating preferences is a good skill and one that will help you down the road. (The good news is: many times how they prefer to eat won't change as they get older. So do your observing now.)

Certainly getting everyone out the door for work/daycare has a different level of energy than not. Here's a great post we found on Alpha Mom for getting your household ready in the morning. The tip about the coffee pot is a great one for Baby Bunchers as well. Schedule your morning cup of jo so it's ready when you wake up!  

Do yourself a favor and do NOT get the children dressed until after they have eaten.  They are only going to get food all over whatever you put them in, so spare yourself an outfit change.  Depending on your child’s age, we even dare to suggest that you put off changing morning diapers until after everyone has eaten – it is one less trip to the changing station and one less change of pants.  Obviously we don’t recommend this if your child’s pants are dirty or so wet they are sagging off his body – use your judgment here.  After they are done eating, once you have a kid pinned down for a diaper change, get them dressed from head to toe before you let them go so you can check that kid off the list as “ready for the day”.

One last bit that might help is to turn on the tunes. During the frantic mornings, it's amazing what music will do to calm not just the adults, but the kids. One of our favorite CDs for morning, noon and night is Susie Tallman's Lullabies for Sleepy Eyes. The next time your morning starts to take a turn for the worse, reset with some mood music and watch what it can do.

Everyone's household is varied with different morning routines, personalities and appetites. Remember that kids read you. Frantic mornings can make for frantic days. Many mornings may include food disasters, spills (from you and then), poo, stains, and tears. Believe us when we say that you are not alone. Laugh it off and move on because naptime is right around the corner.

the less examined life

By Rachel Ostlie

Many live by the quote from Socrates: “The unexamined life is not worth living.” I learned, from the Baby Buncher I respect the most, that “The less examined life is more worth living.

My Grandma passed away last summer, a week after I officially joined the babybunching ranks with the birth of my second child. But before that sad day, as I struggled through pregnancy plus baby, I would sometimes call her for advice. After all, she was the queen of Baby Bunchers – four in four years, and a herd of cows to milk every morning to top it off!

One long-distance conversation, I asked her how she ever managed. My mind was already swirling with the challenges of caring for two babies, making sure they had every advantage, making sure there was no jealousy, doing everything perfect (as I delude myself into trying to do in every aspect of my life).

Her reply was telling. “How do you manage with two babies at once?” I asked. She said, “Oh... you just do.” Which, from her mouth, meant: You do the best you can with what you have. You don't spend time worrying about the future, or agonizing over the past, which are two things she very well could've done with two barns that burnt down and a family on food stamps. Instead, you just live each day, and make it through that day.

I'm not advocating that one should never examine their lives. It is important to step back from the present, evaluate choices, and get a perspective. But for an over-thinker like myself, perhaps a little less examining results in a little better living. This is something my Grandma knew to be true, especially if that living involves two under two.
 
Rachel is a Baby Bunching mom of a 30-month-old girl and a 13-month-old boy who are already being mistaken for twins. She lives in the Chicago area.

how to successfully take your bunch out on the town

Summertime, with our kids home all day, is reminding us of the early days of Baby Bunching. Where getting out and about with water bottles, changes of clothing, extra gear and snacks seems to dominate our days. Nevermind the fact that, for the most part, our kids aren't napping anymore so we're challenged with filling extra long days with hungry, tired or filthy kids. (Ok, that is a side effect to summer.) Believe us, it does get easier even at this point. But we're realizing some of the strategies we learned from getting out with our Bunch and home again in one piece still applies even for the older kids.

We remember feeling that while home may be the safest place for moms of two (heck, it still can seem that way today), getting out can be a sanity saver. For everyone.  You may recall that getting out with one baby used to take half the day, but getting out with two requires strategizing comparable to that of a major military operation. 

In all our reminiscing of these early outings we have outlined a battle plan for you to use for the early Baby Bunching days, but like the rest of us, you will make mistakes. You will forget the appropriate gear, push your kids too close to naptime, or take them somewhere inappropriate such as Costco, an art museum or the Department of Motor Vehicles.  But within a few months, you will develop the sixth sense all Baby Bunching moms eventually fine-tune, and you will be able to spot a bad outing idea a mile away and know how to abandon ship, cut your losses and just go home. There are tips for making these outings easier and places everywhere that are win-win for moms with kids of all ages and age ranges and we’re going to fill you in on them.

Running a quick errand doesn’t mean the same thing it did a few months ago when you only had one child to contend with. There are serious logistics to think about even if you are just running to the grocery store with both kids (which, by the way, we strongly recommend you DO NOT do if you can avoid it). Getting everyone out and about in that narrow window in between their various nap and food schedules is a challenge. So many factors are crucial to a successful trip and your definition of “success” will quickly change.  For you newbies, after years of Baby Bunching experience, here’s how we define it:

Definition of a Successful Outing: An excursion outside the realm of one’s abode—whether a walk down the street or a trip across town on the subway—where no child is in tears, hurt, hungry, left behind or locked in car; where mom is not in tears, hurt or needing a drink; where at least one of the outing’s goals is “accomplished;” and at least two of members of the family come home smiling. 

This may seem like a tall order to fill. Or you may be thinking that you don’t know what the hell is wrong with our disorganized asses, but all of YOUR outings will be successful.  Either way, we promise that you need the advice we are about to provide.

The three most important skills for planning and executing successful outings are: 

1) Developing your plan. Developing a plan of attack requires making a mental map of your destination and your route and assessing what it will take to overcome any obstacles that will arise.  A few questions to consider:
• Mode of transportation.  Are you walking, driving, or taking public transportation?  This will determine what kind of stroller you should take.
• Ease of navigation.  Will it be crowded?  Will there be ramps for your stroller?  Will you have to walk a long distance across a busy parking lot?  Again, all factors that determine what kind of “wheels”, slings, or baby carriers you should bring.
• Proximity to food.  Can you buy age-appropriate (bonus points for nutritious) food for all parties if someone starts to break down or do you need to bring your own?  And never, EVER assume that you will be able to complete an outing without food.  Always, always, always have a healthy, yummy snack for all children on hand – you never know when you will have to buy time with a handful of animal crackers (yeah, yeah – we all said we never do it – get over it.)  If your outing will encompass a meal time, be sure you have plenty of food on hand, plus one extra snack beyond what you think you will need.  Don’t forget sippy cups/bottles for all!
• Amount of waiting time or being still involved.  Baby Bunches hate long waits and small, crowded waiting areas.  If your outing requires either one of these, be prepared to bring out the Big Guns – the hardest-core food and toy distractions you have in your arsenal.
• Quality of destination’s baby-proofedness.  Whether you are going over to a childless friend’s house for dinner or to the mall, think realistically about what you will need to keep your little ones not only entertained, but safe.  We recommend always having some way to either strap all parties into a chair/seat of some sort or wear them on your body, in case you get desperate.

2) Having a Backup Plan. Now that you’ve packed your 63-piece luggage set with everything you need to make a “quick” trip to the drugstore, be sure you have a backup plan.  What will you do if you get there and it’s too crowded and your kids wig out or you can’t keep track of them?  Or if somebody woke up too early that morning and are so tired by the middle of the outing that they are acting like hellacious beasts?  Or if somebody has to peepee and the available potty is so filthy that your eyes need a shower from just looking at it?  Or the all time worst – you get there and they don’t have whatever it was you came for and you have to make a second stop.  You gotta be prepared for all these scenarios because you will encounter one or more of them at some point.  You need to be flexible in case things don’t go according to plan (and they frequently don’t).  This may mean accepting a substitute – product, outing location, whatever.  Or it may mean scoping out the nearest exit.  Which brings us to….

3) Recognizing When to Cut Your Losses. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.  If your kid(s) is so tired/hungry/bored that he is a fussy nightmare and no one is having any fun or getting anything accomplished, do yourself a favor and go home.  Who cares if you drove across town to treat your kids to the children’s museum – if they’re not having any fun, it’s not worth it anyway.  If you’re at Target and you’re only three items into your list, get only the most critical things you need (i.e. the diapers and the laundry detergent) and come back for the rest another time.  Which reminds us – with any outing, always, always do the most important thing that you came for very first, so that if things go awry and you have to bail, you at least got the most important thing accomplished.