Mom Blog and Baby Blog | Baby Bunching

entertaining without losing your sanity

By Erin Brazofsky

In the past three weeks, we have celebrated Seth’s dedication, an early birthday celebration for Levi, Easter and Levi’s actual birthday. This has amounted to a large amount of planning, preparation and executing for successful events that have involved family and friends. Not to mention keeping my husband and two little rock star babies fed, clothed and happy. Let’s just say I learned much.

Keeping my sanity throughout was also a huge goal and one that wasn’t easy to achieve, unfortunately. I don’t like to give up control of things, and asking for help isn’t my best quality. That being said, here are the biggest lessons I have learned in our whirly-gig of “fun” events.

Simplicity is key. Planning lunch for both your and your husband’s families after a baby dedication? Depending on the weather, BBQ it up! Despite chilly temps and a drizzle falling, my wonderful husband grilled burgers and hot dogs in the garage (well ventilated) with my father and his brother. Everything left for me to do was easy-peasy. Chips, potato salad I made the day before and toppings took about 5 minutes to lay out. Dishes? Paper plates and plastic cups made clean up a breeze. Dessert for 15+ people? Again, keep it simple: cupcakes I made were lovingly frosted by my mom and sister while I was doing other things. Get some ice cream and self-serve. Providing dinner for out-of-town guests the night before? Order pizza and slice up some veggies and call it a day. Voila! Baby dedication/family birthday celebration complete.

Have your guests contribute to the meal. Every Easter, we host our friends who, like us, don’t have family nearby, and it is a wonderful time. To keep things stress-free for me, I ask my girlfriends to contribute side dishes, desserts or drinks to our Easter meal. Then I’m not slaving in the kitchen all day, and I get to enjoy someone else’s cooking. It’s definitely a win-win.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. So maybe you haven’t given your house a complete and thorough scrub down for a week or two (or a month, let’s be honest). You’re a busy lady…kids, husband, life… Instead of running around your house with a broom and dust pan behind every one, give yourself a break. No one will notice the dirt you see, and if you are a little more relaxed, it will go a long way for your family and friends. I was able to enjoy our crazy few weeks so much more because I allowed myself to be content with spot cleaning as needed.

Tell your husband when you need a break. You do not have to be Superwoman. He is there to help, and if he’s like my husband, he wants to help so that you don’t lose your mind. And, let’s face it; he is the co-host of these events, right? Let him help you.

So, relax, take a deep breath and remember to soak in these fun moments and times with those you love. I promise you, (and I speak from experience) it is worth it.

Erin has two sons Levi (age 2) and Seth (7 months).

baby bunching Q/A: bunching alone in a new place

Q:  My husband is active duty military and while I am able to stay at home with my children, his job requires his absence for extended periods of time on a regular basis, not to mention the fact that when he is at home, he regularly works very long hours and  often leaves before my oldest wakes up and comes home right around bedtime. I would like to know if you have any tips that would ease the transition of settling in with the new baby, or bedtime, mealtime etc. with my oldest (and surviving the baby bunching scene alone). The two will be 15 months apart and I should add that we just moved out of the country, so in addition to the already momentous transition, we also are very far from family and don't really know anyone where we live yet.

A:Congrats on your impending arrival, and how fun that you'll be living overseas. I also raised my two kids overseas, and arrived in a new country when my youngest was 7 weeks old and my oldest 17 months. While challenging, it was an experience I wouldn't trade for anything.

You have a few questions here so let me address one at a time. First of all, surviving the early days alone. Settling in alone will be challenging.

We always like to offer a few tips:

• Get your toddler on a bedtime routine now! This will make things SO much easier later if you can count on the fact that he/she will be in bed at 7:30 and you're not still screwing with toddler AND baby at 10 p.m.
• If you can get someone to come help you out, like a grandmother or an aunt for the first few weeks, that would be worth it. Flights are often cheaper in the winter and having extra hands if hubby is not there, will at least help you get the lay of the land of this Baby Bunching lifestyle.
• Don't be afraid to not do it all. If your toddler doesn't get a bath or eats mac and cheese 4 nights a week, don't beat yourself up over it. No one can do it all, especially alone. So cut yourself some slack. (This will be ongoing motto you have to repeat to yourself.) 

Mealtime, bedtime, new baby and toddler will be chaotic no matter how you slice or dice it--with or without help. It's all part of the game.  But in fact, the first few weeks, what we call the quiet period, may be easier than you think when baby is sleeping all the time. Bring in extra troops when hubby is back traveling and baby has suddenly discovered his lungs.

Baby Buncher Michelle wrote a great post about surviving a deployment that might offer up some other great tips.

From what I have learned about overseas life and hubby being gone is the support system often tends to be BETTER overseas than here at home. People are ready to engage and help out when they can. So it might actually be better that you're there with a closer-knit support system. Immediately join whatever mom's group you can now to get your network in place. Having people bring you meals and stop by to help you entertain two kids is a HUGE help. 

We have so many moms on this site with traveling dads, we'd love to hear your stories as well.

the difference family makes

About three months ago, my husband's sister moved in with us. She took a new job up here and being not totally tied down she jumped at the chance to make a move and live in our basement (aka "the cave.") Crazy for her perhaps, awesome for me!

I always felt Baby Bunchers back in the day--you know when Irish Twins were tres chic--were able to manage so much differently with family around them. You're not totally going it alone if your sister and mother live down the street. My grandmother was one of 10 with family all around. My own mother was the product of a Bunch and even her mother had the benefit of nearby extended now and then.

Don't discount your family/friend network or a helping hand. It's huge. In the past two weeks alone I have found myself ever so blessed to have family living not just nearby but in my house.

Last week, hubby and I took a long overdue vacation for our 10-year anniversary. While we really wanted to try for an exotic place, we felt leaving my sister in law with the kids for too long was just, well, mean. So we took a short trip to Maine of rest and relaxation. Not something most can do. Not something we could have done three months ago. But something that makes a complete difference in both our marriage and our parenting ability.

Two days ago, our spontaneity kicked in and we met for drinks/dinner one evening since she just happened to be home when he called,"Meet me for dinner since my work colleague stood me up." And today after a mess of a vet appointment with my dog (where he peed on himself AND puked in my car) I came home to an angel who helped me not only bathe the dog, but entertain the kids while I vacuumed out vomit from my car.

Don't get me wrong. I don't take this for granted. For six years we dealt with the ups and downs of Baby Bunching with family not just a few time zones away but oceans away. I am ever so grateful for whatever family we have around to help us in even little ways. She won't be here forever so I will cherish what help I have when I have it. Perhaps it's time for another baby? It's tempting....

Stay tuned on Monday for a guest post on how to build your pseudo-family even if you don't have family in town.

solo ops 201: surviving a deployment

(Editor's note: While this post is about an extended military deployment, Michelle's tips for making it through really apply to any short-term or long-term absence of a spouse.)

By Michelle Routhier, Manaical Musings on Motherhood

In the military, any business trip is called a TDY (temporary duty).  My husband's job has always had him TDY alot.  During our first year of parenthood, he took 11 business trips, totaling about 60 days give or take of our older son's first year of life.  His first trip left me alone with a 7 week old in a foreign country, and I was scared to death.  Soon, I developed my own routines of how I would manage  when he was gone.  I relied heavily on frozen food and mac-n-cheese and seldom showered.  My husband's current TDY took him to Afghanistan for approximately 200 days, not counting the 4 weeks of training he was TDY before he left for Afghanistan.  It was pretty clear that I couldn't live from the beginning of October to the end of May on chips and salsa and frozen food.  I am not yet at the half-way point of the deployment, but still picked up a few pointers.
 
1. Simplify Your Routine--If you normally read your toddler 5 books, sing certain songs, and ensure he/she is tucked into bed following a precise routine, you'll probably want to start thinking about what you can change.  You need the routine simple for two reasons: you might not have time to do all the steps while your baby is screaming or you might need a mother's helper to put the toddler to bed, and the fewer steps to teach, the better.  If the holidays come up during the deployment, you might want to simplify your celebrations.  It makes sense to decorate your house, but you don't need to use every decoration or go all out.  For me,  decided to skip a 1000 mile trip to visit family as my bunch does not travel well when there are 2 adults and 2 children, and I knew travelling alone would leave me more stressed and missing my husband more.
 
2.  Prepare Your Troops--Both of my boys were non-verbal when my husband left, so most of our preparation was visual.  I videotaped my husband reading several of my toddler's favorite books.  He now often points to the computer and asks "more Daddy?" meaning he wants to watch one of these video clips.  I also play the video clips for the baby while he sits in the highchair.  www.militaryonesource.com has a multitude of FREE deployment resources, and the best one for the preschool set is a Sesame Street DVD where Elmo's Daddy deploys.  For about a month, my toddler requested that video several times a day.  You can buy a stuffed "Daddy doll" with a picture of Daddy in uniform at this website:
https://www.hugahero.com/  You can even buy a voice recorder for the dolls, so your husband can record a special message for your bunch.  I got my boys their own Daddy doll, so they can keep him in their crib.  You can also make a personalized board book at:  http://mycustomstory.com/shop/storylines.  I'll admit that I was too sad to write the storyline for it, so I sent in pictures I wanted to have in the book and a general idea about Daddy going to Afghanistan and returning home safely and they wrote the story for me.
 
3.  Ask for Help or Buy the Help You Need--I was very specific when telling people what would help me most.  I had lots of offers to baby-sit, but my younger son does not take a bottle, and my older son does not do well in unfamiliar settings, so babysitting actually causes me more stress.  The help I need is meal delivery as I have a hard time finding time to cook.  It became obvious during my husband's training that people could occasionally bring me meals, but I would need to have a more regular plan, so I hired a mother's helper to come around dinner time.  It gives me an extra set of hands so I can throw a quick dinner together and she sticks around to help me put the boys to bed.  Initially, I felt bad spending the money, but without that regular help, I would have lost my sanity weeks ago.
 
4.  Take Pictures and Videos--Your days will sometimes drag on and other times fly by.  You will spend your days changing diapers, feeding, cleaning up, more diapers, and chasing, and during all that monotony your bunch will continue to grow.  You'll want to record your days for your husband who will be missing lots of milestones and changes, but for yourself too as you will be elbow deep IN raising your bunch and won't see the subtle changes or will be likely to forget.

Michelle is the mother of 2 boys, 19 months apart in age (2 years old and almost 1 year old).  Her husband's job in the U.S. Air Force has taken the family to Florida, the United Kingdom, and now Alabama.  To read more about her thoughts on baby bunching, deployments, special needs parenting, visit: http://routhierfam.blogspot.com/

mominatrix giveaway: bringing your sexy back

By Kristen Chase, author of The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex

As a mom of 3 and Baby Buncher, I can completely understand how sex slowly drops down on the priority list. We'd all probably pick few hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep over sex on any day. Well, almost all of us, that is. 

It's hard enough being a parent, but when you're chasing after two kids (or more) that are less than two years apart, time is realllly of the essence. And if you've got spare minutes, there's a good chance you're sitting in a laundry pile or enjoying the sweet silence before all hell breaks loose again. 

So making sex a priority can be a pretty hard sell. 

Now there are certainly situations where it's completely appropriate and understandable that sex gets put on hold. But the problem for many couples, particularly extra busy couples, is that it goes from being out on hold to permanent layaway. And then by the time you do have a free moment and the motivation to hop in the sack, Murphy's Law kicks in and inevitably you've got a sick kid or a traveling spouse. 

But I truly believe that every mom eventually finds her "sweet spot" (no, not that one), you know, when life becomes fairly manageable, and you're able to leave the house in a clean shirt, matching socks, and if you're lucky, with a face of make-up. 

And when you do hit that point, it's the perfect time to integrate the sex goddess you were with the hot mom you are now to create some sort of morphed sexy hot mom goddess that's able to make a mean batch of organic baby food and do a strip tease for her partner - maybe even in the same day. 

However, if you're still not convinced, and your bed still screams "sleep" louder than "sex," here are a few reasons that might convince you otherwise:

1. Doing the deed is a fantastic way to escape what can often be a monotonous existence. We all love our children dearly, but after the third loop of Dora or umpteenth request for a butt wipe, it's really nice to be able to set the "mom" persona aside, even it's only for a few minutes (sorry Dads), and act like the naughty girl you used to be. And it can make waking up to your little screaming alarm clock for the fourth day in a row a little less frustrating. 

2. We all know that parenting can be pretty tough on even the best of relationships. And when you've got little ones that are little ones at the nearly the same time, there's really not much of an opportunity for you to connect with your spouse other than through grunts, dirty looks or desperate "Where the heck are you?" texts. A little rekindling of your relationship, even if it's not actually having sex, but through more intimate contact (remember that - it's called "foreplay") or heck, even a night out alone with each other can make the challenges of parenting much more bearable. 

3. Letting your inner Mominatrix out to play can do wonders for your overall mood and attitude, which is bound to rub off on your kids. Our children require plenty of our time and energy, but the best thing we can do for them, other than make sure the crusts are nowhere near their sandwiches, is make sure they see our happy self. We often forget that we're not just here to teach and guide them with our words. They're intuitive creatures, those kiddos, and they can sense and internalize our emotional state just by looking at us. And I'm pretty sure that most moms (if not all) want their kids to see and remember them as enjoying life. Plus, it sets the example for what a mom is (and what a relationship looks like) later in their life. 

And if that's not enough, one fantastic orgasm, courtesy of your partner, or your battery-operated partner (ahem), might just change your mind. 

Get more tips and tricks for getting back on the sex wagon and whipping your libido into shape in Kristen's new book The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex a funny, frank, and yes, slightly irreverent advice book for new moms or seasoned baby wranglers. When she's not dishing out sex advice, Kristen writes about every day life as a sometimes single spouse of a commercial (and military) pilot with really insane in-laws at Motherhood Uncensored. She's also the Publisher and COO of Cool Mom Picks, a shopping blog that features gifts and gear for kids (and their awesome parents) with a small, non-mainstream focus. 

CONTEST DETAILS: For Valentine's Day, fellow Baby Buncher Kristen is giving away a copy of The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex to one very "lucky" Baby Buncher. [Note: This book could result in more children so be smart before you use it.] Leave a comment here with your best suggestion on how you help keep your marriage/love life alive and well. We'll randomly select a winner on Feb. 15.
 

i thee wed, nine years later

I’d like to give a shout out to the man (my husband) who quite literally helped make becoming a Baby Buncher possible. This past week we celebrated our nine-year anniversary. I’m a little amazed sometimes because it seems to have gone by very quickly. Really. But I love him and appreciate all the wonderful things he does for me and the kids. I heard him this evening telling the kids he was putting them to bed because mommy was very tired of the nonsense. Really, I was.

Baby Bunching really can take its toll on a marriage. There were days when he and I were like ships passing in the night—taking over duties, tag teaming and just so busy that we barely had time for our own needs (I’m talking personal hygiene here.) He would walk in the door after a long day of saving-the-world work and I would pass my fleshy football (Anna) and little whirling Dervish (Alex) off to him and disappear into a very large bathtub with a very large glass of wine (maybe two).

We were busy and tired and exhausted and worn out. This feeling of exhaustion seem to subside around the time my youngest was two and slowly we started picking up the pieces to complete the marriage puzzle again. All the pieces are there, and we just have to put them back. Yes, we’re still working to put them back together.

Fortunately for us, we were married for four years before we had our first miracle. (And yes he really was a miracle.) So I feel we have the memory—in the not so distant past—of the “za za zu.” And it’s not that this feeling is gone, it’s just glurgged over with kid arguments, messes, daily chores, school, errands, activities, etc.  Ohhhhh…..this must be in every marriage. Right?

We have worked hard to schedule dates out, dates at home, time with each other each night, etc, etc., but it’s hard. Keeping a marriage strong is a lot of work. Sometimes I feel like we’ve done a great job—heck we’ve been married for nine years. And sometimes I feel like we’re a poor example of what should be done. So I have no advice. But I will certainly take yours.

baby bunching buddies

Today I'd like to give a shout-out to an often under-recognized group of Baby Bunchers - our hubbies.  Maybe it's the nostalgia surrounding this week (Valentine's Day and also the fact that hubby and I got engaged nine years ago today), but I am particularly grateful for my husband these days.  Too bad he'll never know HOW grateful, since he never reads any of my blogs, but I digress...

My husband is a very hands-on dad.  Short of his biological limitations (he has never gestated, birthed, or nursed the children), there's not anything I do for them that he doesn't.  Granted, he does it in his own style, which always involves mismatched clothing for everyone and a house looking like it was hit by a cyclone.  But it's safe to say that he is truly an equal, if not better, parent.

This kind of partnership is critical when Baby Bunching because the children are hard work and they will wear you down FAST if you don't function as a team.   Somewhere along the line, my husband and I realized that it was an "us against them" kind of situation and if we were to win, we had to use our our combined skills and talents to outwit our Bunch.

I'm often quick to point out to my poor hubby what he DOESN'T do instead of all that he DOES do.  Lately, I've been trying to thank him more for the little things and this post is a part of that, although I can just hear him saying that he can think of other ways he would rather be thanked (wink, wink).

If anyone out there would like to share our Valentine's Week tribute to our Baby Bunching Buddies, post a comment and let us know what your hubby does to help make Baby Bunching bearable.  And who knows - maybe he'll repay your public recognition of his efforts with a Valentine's spa gift certificate of some sort.

hubby needs 1:1 time, too

Since we’re on the topic of one-on-one time, I thought I’d bring up another person I tend to unintentionally neglect: my husband. His one-on-one time obviously went out the window with baby #1. Just as was getting the hang of the parenting gig, he got me knocked up again.

Baby Bunching can put a strain on your marriage. But you already knew that, right? Even this Parents magazine article mentions it.

My husband is one who used to come home, make himself a beverage and sit down to read a book. Still somewhat able to do this with just the one kid, it all came to a screeching halt as soon as baby #2 came around. He would walk in the door and someone—sometimes me—was either screaming or crying. I would fling him a child and continue on with the evening, just grateful to have a second set of hands to hold someone.

In the early days, dates with hubby were hard. It was damn near impossible to find anyone outside of immediate family who would take control of our Bunch even long enough for us to grab a quick bite. I don’t blame them. A good Baby Bunching babysitter is hard to find. So we did the best we could of creating dates at home. We’d get the kids to bed early, order decent take out, get a movie and polish off a bottle of wine.

It wasn’t until my daughter was almost a year old that we felt OK about leaving the kids with someone other than family. It was our first overnight trip that really made it clear for us that we had to make time for each other. And while overnights are good because we all need that one-on-one time with man who shares our bed, sometimes it just difficult to find someone around who will take your kids for the necessary 30-hour getaway that’s needed.

This weekend since the in-laws were in town, we decided to give a day trip a try instead of an overnight. It was awesome. The best part is it’s easier to find people to watch your kids for several hours rather than an overnight. Even with my own parents, since my mother is sick, they don’t have the capacity to entertain kids all day, do the overnight duty, early morning chaos and another day of crazy. So this works well for us and gives us a chance to be together for longer than just a dinner.

Our day together started with shopping returns to the mall. OK, I know that’s not super fun, but then it meant we also got to do some shopping without little people around to comment. We enjoyed a nice long lunch—with drinks—at Legal Seafood. Then we took a four-mile hike through a nearby national park. It was nice to enjoy the falls and not have to hear children whining ‘how much farther?’ Then we hit our local town center area and pondered a movie, unfortunately there wasn’t anything during that window that interested us so we went for more drinks instead. The best part. We arrived home just as the in-laws were putting the kids to bed. So we didn’t have to do bedtime duty either. Bonus!

One of my new year's resolutions is to spend a little more time with my husband. Because honestly, it would be difficult to do this Baby Bunching gig without him.

Please share any tips you have for your one-on-one time with hubby.