Mom Blog and Baby Blog | Baby Bunching

baby bunching benefits: shared life stages

Baby Bunching has long been a defining personal characteristic for me - for about 18 months before Linda and I even coined the term.  I am a baby person and once I gave birth to one of my own, I was all back-to-back babies, all the time.  I realized how much babies had taken over my life when the youngest of my Bunch was about 2 1/2 and I was stunned to realize that while I was standing in the baby section of a children's clothing store, I no longer had a child that fit in those sizes.  Four straight years of baby will addle your brain that way.

I always knew I wanted a third child, but quickly realized that neither my sanity nor my marriage would survive Bunching a second time.  Our carefully timed third child arrived almost exactly three years after the second.  He has been a joy for me, especially for every age after 9 months because I feel like I never really fully got to experience those stages the first two times.  When my oldest was nine months old, I was sick as a dog and exhausted all the time, as I was pregnant with my second.  When my second was nine months old, I was in sheer survival mode and it was all a blur.  So there was no doubt that my spacing for #3 was right for me.  But of late, since my oldest has started kindergarten, I've started to wish that the spacing was a little less.  Just a tad.  Why?

Baby Bunching is a double-edged sword.  Yes, everyone is a baby at once.  But on the flip side, everyone is a baby at the same time. Which means that they are preschoolers at the same time, and grade schoolers at the same time.  If your're in the throes of Baby Bunching now, I bet you can't even GET to five years from now, so I'll just spell it out for you.

It sucks to drag a baby to soccer practice.  It sucks to wake a baby up from his nap because you have to pick one of his brothers up from school.  It sucks that they are playing cars and he's too young to play without wrecking the game.  It sucks that if you try to do arts and crafts with older kids, the baby will invariably find and eat the googly eyes, buttons, or any other small parts involved.  It sucks that babies can't sit through movies or baseball games or story hours or magic shows - all favorite past times of older kids.

Now don't get me wrong, I am loving every minute of this baby - my last (there, I wrote it for all to see!) - and am actually very grateful that he is a tether to the part of my identity I know (mom of baby) as I feel out the part I don't know (mom of school-aged kids).  But I am also really glad that I didn't wait any longer to have him.  My Bunch is moving on to a new chapter of their lives - one that isn't very baby friendly - and they're dragging me with them.  No way am I wishing away their brother's babyhood, but I'm looking forward to the day when soccer practice is fun for the whole family.  Or even better - when I can realize the Baby Bunching benefit of putting them on the same team!

a new chapter for everyone

The oldest of my Bunch starts kindergarten tomorrow.  On the eve of this momentous occasion, I am very, very nervous.  He is fine.  I am an absolute wreck.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a mom.  But I've always envisioned myself a mom of very young children - babies, toddlers, preschoolers.  I never really pictured myself with school-aged kids or, God forbid, teenagers.  Don't ask me where I thought the flock of aforementioned very little people were going to go once they hit kindergarten because I have no idea.  I just know that they weren't part of my Life Plan - until now.

I love being a mom of very small children.  After three of them in five years, I've finally gotten the hang of pregnancy, breastfeeding, sleep training, introducing solids, baby proofing, selecting the best stroller/high chair/car seat to meet my needs, finding playgroups, potty training, traveling with a baby, finding caregivers and preschools that meet my standards, and more.  As a Baby Buncher, I've successfully navigated double strollers, the nap trap, organizing all our hand-me-downs, twibling rivalry, selecting the best outings to keep two preschoolers busy, and sleep/bath/meal time with two babies/toddlers/preschoolers.

But I've never had to make sure a kid's uniform passes inspection or that he wears tennis shoes on PE days.  I've never had to make sure he doesn't miss more than a certain number of days of school a year so he doesn't fail, or make sure he gets there on time so excessive tardies don't lead to absences, too many of which = FAIL.  I've never had to make sure homework gets done.  I've never had to remind a child to make healthy choices when he is choosing his own lunch in the cafeteria line because I'm not there to decide what he's eating.  I've never had to let my kid be friends with children whose parents I don't know.  I've never had to send a child to After School Care because I have a work meeting, and I've certainly never sent him on a field trip on which I wasn't a chaperone.  And this is just kindergarten.

With the birth of The Caboose a little over a year ago, my feet are still firmly planted in the safe and familiar world of Baby, even as I am tentatively dipping a toe into the unfamiliar territory of School-Aged.  I can only hope that sending #2 to kindergarten will be a little easier, and that by the time I get to #3, I will be happily ensconced in the land of science fairs and soccer games and glad to see him go.

But I know that what scares me most about kindergarten (aside from the fact that it places my son squarely out of my control for 6 1/2 hours or more a day) is the fact that the past five years have gone so fast.  Before I know it, the next five will be gone and the next five after that.  As the kids get older and develop their own independent lives, the years will blow by even faster and soon I'll be sending the last one off to college.  Which means that I have only one thing to look forward to.

Grandbabies.

fox v. fox

For the first year and a half of Baby Bunching, it was tough.  Then it got (relatively) easy as they grew into playmates and would keep each other occupied for hours.  Now it is kind of sucking again. 

At ages 4 and 5 1/2, my Bunch have really developed into their own little (extremely argumentative) people.  Lately, it seems their favorite game is one my husband likes to call "Plaintiff v. Defendant".  This involves the children bringing a constant litany of wrongdoings against each other to our attention, such as:

• He hit me!
• He take my toy!
• He knock my bike over!
• He knock me over!
  
• He eat my cookie!
• He color on my paper!
• He told me I have to eat my carrots!
• He run faster than me!  Closely followed by He didn't wait!
  
• He threw my cars in the mud!
• He said I couldn't choose the movie/story/game!
• And my personal favorite: He talked to Baby when I was talking to Baby! (ever in competition to see who wins the rights to the "Best Big Brother" title) 

Such accusations are typically made through tears, and we usually hear the screams and cries of outrage before we actually see  the children present themselves for trial.  It's usually pretty easy to tell who the perpetrator is, since he's typically trailing the alleged victim by at least a few steps.  Unless somene's bleeding, our standard response is to tell them to "work it out as brothers", but lately I have actually found myself wishing that I had some sort of mediation training under my belt. 

The constant arguing is no doubt exacerbated by the fact that they are so close in age, both boys, and share a bedroom.  Add that to the fact that my oldest is an overachiever and my second is hypercompetitive, and it's a recipe for disaster. 

Since everyone is home all day, every day this summer, I've come to the conclusion that a little personal space is in order once in awhile.  Oldest boy will go to one camp that his brother is not attending, freeing me up to do some fun stuff with the two littles.  I'm in the process of setting up some individual playdates so they can get away from have a break from each other, and I've instituted mandatory afternoon quiet time in separate rooms (not sure why the hell I ever let this fall by the wayside, anyway).  My hope is that it will help, because I'm getting pretty tired of playing judge and jury.

farewell to a good friend

Imagine my shock when my youngest came to me and said, “Mommy, I’m ready for the blanket fairy to come and take away my froggy.”

Background: We adore lovies in our house. Everyone has one (or two). Even me. Alex has a frog blanket which he has loved since four months. Anna has had a pink bear blanket and a different frog (which was inherited by Alex) since she was six months old. All three of the lovies accompany the kids to bed each night and on various trips. And as a Baby Buncher I have never really pushed to get rid of the bling because it soothed them when I’m dealing with other kid.

I was sad when Anna suggested she give up one of the lovies. Alex was even sadder. He and I explained over and over that once the Blanket Fairy (a character from Kevin Henkes book Owen) comes to take away the blanket that it’s gone forever.

Anna understood and even came up with her own version: Yes, the blanket fairy takes it—because I don’t need it anymore—and gives it to another baby who does need it. Uh, yes, I was floored by this.

We wrote a letter to the Blanket Fairy two nights ago (which gave me enough time to get a small gift to replace the lovey) and last night she put it under her pillow. Alex was very upset by this. I could tell in his little mind he couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to give up their lovey.

He clutched his lovey tightly and exclaimed: I will never give the Blanket Fairy my frog! Yes, yes, we know.

Before I went to bed, I snuck into Anna’s room and carefully removed the frog and replaced it with two little princess figurines for her castle. I retired froggy into the keepsake bin.

But at 5:15 she came in crying: My froggy is gone. The Blanket Fairy came, but she didn’t leave me a present.

My response: It’s because it’s 5:15 and the Blanket Fairy probably came right before you woke up. Go back to sleep and maybe she’ll come back to leave a gift. (She didn’t realize the princesses were next to her and not under her pillow.)

I heard her tear down the hallway this morning squealing about her new toys and how the Blanket Fairy really DID come. Alex looked a bit jealous, but not jealous enough to actually say goodbye to his best friend.

Meanwhile we’re down one lovey which just makes it easier to keep up with the other two. I imagine those two will be around a long time.

extracurricular activities - tag team or double up?

I posted recently about our insane schedule.  Lest you think that I brought this upon myself by over scheduling my children, I want to point out that they each only do one activity besides school.  So why does it seem so overwhelming?

Up until this point, we have taken two different approaches to extracurriculars:

• Tag Team (i.e. one child gets to do an activity one semester and the other the next - Linda & Co. also subscribe to this approach)

• Doubling Up (both children sign up for the same class and attend together) 

This system worked fairly well until my kids caught on.  Now, Tag Team backfires because, "How come HE gets to do something and I don't?!?!?!" and Doubling Up backfires because "I don't care if HE likes soccer - I like swimming!" Even better, by the first soccer game, the oldest (who preferred swimming, remember?) was whining, "Why didn't you sign ME up for soccer too?!?  I want to play soccer!"  ARGH.  I am SO back to Doubling Up next fall.

But for now, I find myself in my week two of my first ever attempt at separate activities for each boy.  Only about two more months until choir, soccer, and school end for the summer and we pick up the more relaxing pace of camps and summer. 

Where is it that I think I am going to slide a third child into the mix someday?

time flies

One thing that sucks about my Bunch getting older is that I thought it would get easier, but instead I seem to keep getting busier.  Of course, it doesn't help that I recently added another baby to the gang, but still...

Back in the days when my Bunch were both under 3 or so, I was busy attending to what my husband calls Constant Needs - feeding, changing, getting to sleep, and trying to squeak in the occasional educational/developmental activity.   Somewhere along the line, I realized that there was absolutely NO WAY I could do anything to keep the house clean while supervising them, so I gave up.  Rather than sit around and look at the four walls of my pigsty while my Bunch climbed all over me, I basically left the house for the first half of every day.  In my quest to kill time in the morning hours, we did all sorts of fun stuff.  We'd wake up in the morning and make some calls to see who was available to play that day.  We hung out at friend's houses and the kids played while I downed pots of coffee with other moms.  We visited the children's museum, the zoo, the aquarium, the botanical gardens and every park in town on a regular basis.  We spent a ton of time just goofing off and killing time until it was time to go home for lunch and the blessed afternoon nap (which is when I raced around doing all that housework).

Now that the oldest of my Bunch is preparing to start kindergarten next year, there is no such thing as "killing time".  Morning play dates are a thing of the past.  Big Boy is in school 4 mornings a week, Middle Boy 2 mornings, and half of their friends are in school 5 mornings.  On the days the Bigs are in school, Baby and I run around like fools tackling the grocery store, Target, doctors appointments, returns, and other errands that are easier with 1 kid in tow than 3.  In the afternoons, it's a race to get Baby (and about twice a week, Middle) down for a nap.  Big hangs out with me, doing fun and exotic things like pre-prepping that evening's dinner and folding laundry.   After naps, it's on to the afternoon's activities - soccer on Monday, choir on Wednesday, playgroup on Thursday and (if we're lucky) a happy hour play date on Friday.  Occasionally in this whirlwind of activity, there is a half hour or so where I find myself with just one child, so I frantically try to squeeze in some quality one-on-one time.  Just typing our schedule makes me exhausted, never mind living it.

The needs have changed, but they haven't become any less Constant.  It's a steady stream of requests to volunteer at school/church/activities, demands for payments for school pictures/soccer cleats/preschool registration fees, invitations to birthday parties/play dates/performances/games, and on and on and on.  While it is great fun seeing my little people grow up and become their own people, sometimes I long for the days when life was little bit more simple and the pace was a little bit slower.

Just a peek into the crystal ball for you ladies with really wee Bunches who are climbing the walls at home.  Enjoy the relative simplicity of your life while it lasts.  It won't be long before the nap trap actually sounds enticing!

and then they grow up

I picked my kids up from the YMCA babysitting today after a brief workout. It's always a mad dash to beat them to the door before they bust through and charge out into the parking lot at full speed. Yes, you'd think after four years I'd finally get this right. Nope, I still can't control my kids. But we had a brief interlude while my son hung on a child-size basketball net. He hung there stretched out. His feet just brushing the ground. And then I saw it.

He looked like a kid.

When you're in the throes of Baby Bunching, time often just passes you by because you're just trying to survive 'two under two.' Babies grow up quicker than they need to because now they're the older sibling.

Continue this post over at DC Metro Moms.