Mom Blog and Baby Blog | Baby Bunching

20 things (baby bunchers) should never feel guilty about

When I saw this list on CNN.com last week, I thought 'Bingo!' someone finally gets it, and I'm glad they are telling moms it's OK to not do everything by the book...whatever that means.  We've taken these 20 things and updated it a bit for you Baby Bunchers. Just thought this would be a fun exercise.    

1. Wanting to stay home with your baby. [But when baby #2 comes along wanting to find a way back to work to escape the chaos, but realizing it might just make you crazier that you would have to quit.]

2. Loving your job. [But being too tired and worn to love it for more than 2 hours.]

3. Hating your husband now and then. [But realizing that you have to love him so he'll help you out tomorrow morning when you're tired.]

4. Still not wanting sex -- way, way, way after your six-week checkup. [Well, apparently we all missed this one or else we wouldn't be in this situation. But after Baby #2 having sex with hubby will force you be much more careful.]

5. Not reading to your baby as much as all the experts say you should. [You're  probably "reading" to your toddler so that counts as reading to your baby as long as they are all in the same room. If not, talking on the phone to your friend counts as language learning and your baby will eventually want to "read" a book like you read your People magazine. You're good.]

6. Introducing a bottle as soon as you get home from the hospital (even though you're not sure your milk supply is established yet) so you can get some sleep. [Just don't get the bottles mixed up.]

7. Supplementing with formula at any time. [Same as above.]

8. Lying to the other women in your mommy group about how long your baby sleeps at night (but you will get more sympathy if you tell the truth). [Tell them how easy the second baby is and encourage them to do it again soon so you will have some Baby Bunching friends. Yes. Lie.]

9. Not keeping up with all the milestones you're supposed to be recording in your baby book. [Wa ha ha ha!]

10. Never even starting the baby book. [Uh, if you didn't do this with the first, then we promise it will never happen with the second. Just let it go.]

11. Saying, "Great idea -- I'll try it!" to your mother-in-law's advice when you have absolutely no intention of giving it an iota of thought once she walks out the door. [Then leave her with both kids and run!]

12. Telling your partner you're going to the doctor for a checkup when you're actually going for a massage, pedicure, or to have your hair highlighted (it's not like he's going to notice anyway). [Um, as a Buncher you should have learned that once you're out the door, you should do all three at the same time and stop at the grocery on the way home or you may never have the chance again.]

13. Paying cash for your massage/pedicure/highlights so he won't discover the credit card charge. [No worries, he'll be happy that you're happy when you get home.]

14. Refusing another mom's invitation to a playdate because you can't stand it that she can leave crystal on her coffee table and toilet paper on the rollers and her baby doesn't bother any of it. [Oh, no, bring your kids. That will teach her to be so optimistic.]

15. Feeling a twinge of delight when the above mom's baby still isn't saying any words and yours has a vocabulary of six! [Yeah, that really always feels good.]

16. Putting on the Baby Einstein DVD for the third time before lunch so you can apply some makeup because that cute landscaping guy is due to come by and cut your grass sometime this afternoon (just because you don't want to have sex doesn't mean you're dead). [Baby Einstein DVD for the landscaping guy? No way, use that DVD to eat your lunch in peace, go to the bathroom or take a shower.]

17. Wanting to spend Mother's Day alone instead of with your family. [Amen!]

18. Going to visit your parents for the weekend because you know they will insist on doing everything for the baby and your mother will cook all your favorite foods for you. (Grandmothers can spoil their own children as well as their grandchildren.) [Agreed. Grandparents are suckers for that no matter how many kids you have. After all, eventually you will leave and they can sit around and talk around and talk about how glad they're not you.]

19. Napping when the baby naps even though he's nine months old. [Nap. Eat. Shower. Pee. Make phone calls. Check email. Never waste a minute of a sleeping child.]

20. Driving your baby home from the mall with poop in his diaper because the bathroom is all the way at the other end and you know he couldn't care less anyway. [Absolutely! Because while you're changing the baby, your toddler will surely be licking the walls of the bathroom. Safer for everyone to wait until home.]

the difference family makes

About three months ago, my husband's sister moved in with us. She took a new job up here and being not totally tied down she jumped at the chance to make a move and live in our basement (aka "the cave.") Crazy for her perhaps, awesome for me!

I always felt Baby Bunchers back in the day--you know when Irish Twins were tres chic--were able to manage so much differently with family around them. You're not totally going it alone if your sister and mother live down the street. My grandmother was one of 10 with family all around. My own mother was the product of a Bunch and even her mother had the benefit of nearby extended now and then.

Don't discount your family/friend network or a helping hand. It's huge. In the past two weeks alone I have found myself ever so blessed to have family living not just nearby but in my house.

Last week, hubby and I took a long overdue vacation for our 10-year anniversary. While we really wanted to try for an exotic place, we felt leaving my sister in law with the kids for too long was just, well, mean. So we took a short trip to Maine of rest and relaxation. Not something most can do. Not something we could have done three months ago. But something that makes a complete difference in both our marriage and our parenting ability.

Two days ago, our spontaneity kicked in and we met for drinks/dinner one evening since she just happened to be home when he called,"Meet me for dinner since my work colleague stood me up." And today after a mess of a vet appointment with my dog (where he peed on himself AND puked in my car) I came home to an angel who helped me not only bathe the dog, but entertain the kids while I vacuumed out vomit from my car.

Don't get me wrong. I don't take this for granted. For six years we dealt with the ups and downs of Baby Bunching with family not just a few time zones away but oceans away. I am ever so grateful for whatever family we have around to help us in even little ways. She won't be here forever so I will cherish what help I have when I have it. Perhaps it's time for another baby? It's tempting....

Stay tuned on Monday for a guest post on how to build your pseudo-family even if you don't have family in town.

baby bunching bff

"Help! Help! My best friend's dying!", my oldest son sobbed hysterically as he came running (naked and sopping wet) into the room.  Flying back into the bathroom and wondering how my almost-five-year-old could've managed to arrive at death's door since in the 2.5 seconds since I had left the room, I found him sitting up in the bathtub right where I left him.  Just fine and dandy, and surprised as all get out to see his older brother freaking out all over the place.

It turned out that in the few seconds that it took me to lift the Baby out of the tub where all 3 were playing, wrap him in a towel, and carry him from the master bath to the master bedroom, Middle had decided to lick the bar of soap.  And no amount of reassurance could convince Big that his brother was not going to die from it.

Once I had assessed the situation and my heart stopped beating four million miles a minute, I was touched to realize that Big had referred to his brother as "my best friend".  For his part, Middle seemed more upset by the fact that he had scared his brother so badly than by the fact that he was potentially facing death from soap poisoning.  Despite the arguing, head butting, punching, kicking, slamming, stealing, hitting and yelling, at the tender ages of 5 and 6, my boys are truly each other's best friends.

Did it suck for two years of my life to have them so close together?  Yeah.

But was it worth it?  Most definitely.

Today, at least.

baby bunching Q/A: weaning from the bottle

A great question from Jessica.

Q: I just realized that since my daughter will be 2 in September, she should probably be weaned from her bottle  She only drinks milk from it, but seems really upset if I put her milk in her favorite sippy cup instead. The hardest thing is my son (who will be 1 in October) is obviously still drinking from a bottle. I use different bottles for my daughter, but still--what's the best way to wean her while she still sees little brother getting a bottle?

A: We can totally relate. For many children a bottle is like a security blanket, and all of our kids (now 6 and almost 5) still have those. They say toddler should be weaned from a bottle around 18 months. Linda's doctor actually changed the age on her during one of the visits. Obviously the guidelines change based on the latest AAP recommendations. So take it with a grain of salt, we say.

This can be hard when big baby sees little baby getting his favorite treat. News flash...this is only the beginning of the "life is unfair" lesson. Do they need to learn this lesson when new baby is born and toddler is still adjusting to new sibling in house? Probably not. But if your oldest is 2 and the yougest is already one, we suggest the idea of weaning them both at the same time. (Benefit to Baby Bunching....some things can be tackled like a giant band aid...rip it off all at once!) Even if little baby still needs the bottle at night, which we're so down with, your son is actually old enough for drinking (at least at the table) from a sippy. If your daughter isn't into this, try a regular cup. Break them both of this habit together.

Linda is a firm believe in comfort. So if your older child still feels the need for a bottle at night (only) with watered down milk--and we mean VERY watered down--fine. Sometimes they need this extra loving as they are still little. We often forget that the oldest child really is still a baby.

sometimes it's the simple things: wading pool

It never ceases to amaze me how much fun kids can have in any amount of water. Last year we burned through one wading pool and a slip and slide. Give them some water guns or some buckets (can you tell how much I love buckets) and it's hours of fun as long as everyone knows the rules and no one is left alone.

I can't keep water blow up toys from being destroyed so for me spending the $20 each year is worth it to restock on anything that gets anyone wet, including our law sprinkler. And one year the heat came very early so we filled up an extra big bucket of water and had a blast in that.

Today it was hot. Summer hot. On the way back from picking my kids up from school, we dropped into Walgreens to pick up a wading pool. So glad that my kids are not too old for this. We invited the neighbors over, brought out a few snacks and ice water and turned it into a fun afternoon. It's funny because when I did the math of the afternoon--1 pool, 10 minutes to blow up with pump, getting swimsuits on, breaking up argument, explaining why it's OK to splash in the water (after all isn't that the point?), getting everyone showered/changed from the grassy water, cleaning up the pool--the two hours of fun (that's right folks I got 2 hours of fun out of this gig) it was still worth it. Always happy to find an activity that pleases people from as young as 18 months to 8 years.

I just love it when the simple things can be so much fun for everyone.

baby bunching benefit: if you wait long enough, they will teach themselves

I've posted before that I often wonder if I've done my kids a disservice by having a flock of them right in a row (3 in 4 1/2 years). It just seems that there is NEVER enough of me to go around. The weird thing is that yes, while it was hard Bunching the first two, I felt capable of meeting needs even if I was a little frazzled at times.  But as I added a third child and the needs of the other two have grown more complex as they age (it's not just about eat/sleep/poop anymore!), I feel like I'm shortchanging one of the three of them every time I turn around.

A great example is Middle, who has been begging to have the training wheels taken off his bike for weeks.  When his older brother was 4 1/2, we spent several afternoons on the driveway, coaching and cheering him on with the entire family.  Now that Middle is 4 1/2, his older brother Big (a future X gamer) is hell on wheels and zips up and down the driveway cutting off cyclists, scooterists, and innocent pedestrians alike.  It is a miracle he hasn't knocked a tooth out, broken an arm, or split a head open - his own or someone else's.  Younger brother the Caboose is in the nightmare toddler stage where he wants to sprint for either the street or the nearest high cliff at any chance he gets with no regard for safety. As you can imagine, we have a hard time getting motivated for the prospect of 19 false starts up and down the driveway and the resulting tears that would surely follow from two-wheeling lessons for Middle.

Fortunately for him, he's nothing if not persistent and he finally wore down persuaded his Dad, who removed the training wheels on Sunday. Bracing ourselves for lots of falls and tears, we let him rip.  And then stood there with our jaws open as he tore down the driveway on two wheels on the first try! Damned if the kid wasn't ready to do it on his own!

And this isn't the only time this has happened.  Big and I had endless potty training fights until Middle came along and I dropped it because I was too busy.  One day when he was about 3 1/2, he walked into the bathroom and peed in the toilet and never had an accident in his pants.  Similarly, I was so busy corralling 3 kids at the dinner table that it never occurred to me to hand the Caboose a spoon to feed himself.  Until he grabbed a fork off my plate one day right around his first birthday and started eating with it like he'd been using it his whole life.

Now that I've written this, I plan to bookmark it so that I can revisit it anytime I feel guilt creeping in that I'm not constantly coaching one of my kids in some area of skill development. Sometimes, a little self-sufficiency and genuine readiness can carry a kid a lot further than helicopter parenting can.

instant network of the twibling's friends

My neighbor threw a rockin' good birthday party for her six-year old daughter this weekend. (Think Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift look-alikes.)  Ironically the party was for one of my son's classmates, but it was my daughter (four and a half) who was invited because it was a "girl only" party. Because she's only 16 months behind my son the three of them all play together. And besides the fact that he could hear them all playing in the yard, he didn't seem to mind missing this makeup-laden event.

Invite for my otherchild? This was a benefit to Baby Bunching that I never expected. The closeness in age of my kids can make for instant playdates. (Note: this does not always apply and sometimes could have the adverse effect.) I wasn't sure how this would go over with my daughter since she would be one of the youngest at the party. But luckily since kindergarten now spans from young 5s to almost 7 it didn't seem to be a problem.

She walked in a little timid an unsure--like any other kid for any other birthday party. She was probably a bit behind the preteen rock star songs they were singing to, but she held her own but doing varying degrees of acrobatic like dance moves to woo the big girls.

Today when we attended my son's school for a presentation, my daughter was greeted with hugs by all the girls from the party. Most had no idea she was the big kid's sister. She was their new friend Anna, and they were surprised and excited to see her at school.

baby bunching Q/A: new baby to the bunch

This question came to us from Baby Buncher Carrie.

Q: How can I help the oldest of the bunch (in my case, she'll be 22 months old) transition to a new baby. She's too young to understand what is going on, but there must be some great tips out there to help!

A: This is one of our most popular questions. Ironically, it's the easiest to answer, yet probably not the easiest to do. One of the best things about Baby Bunching is that Baby #1 will never remember life without Baby #2. We're convinced this is why siblings so close in age really can remain close over a lifetime.  

Before baby comes you can do what you can, when you can, to educate your toddler about the impending arrival. Books and talking about the baby will help. In the end probably nothing will ever prepare your toddler--or you--for the changes that will occur. Many toddlers like to touch mommy's belly and you can tell toddler that a baby is in there. Yeah, they don't "get it," but on some level I'm sure they do. Maybe.

After baby comes it gets a bit trickier since again, there's not much you can do to really prepare a big baby for little baby. She will find out quickly. Their communication skills are limited, and they still need you for everything. Your toddler will learn the art of patience since you can't attend to his needs at that very moment anymore since you have someone else now. (Give yourself that...it's OK for people to cry, including you.)

Rather than repeating what we've said in a few posts, we recommend a few tips for you here:

• Baby Bunching Stages: What to Expect When You're Expecting #2
• Baby Bunching Novice: Infant + Toddler

Hopefully, these past posts will help you mentally prepare for what is yet to come. Your kids pick up on your attitude as well and this can help them transition into their new world. The best advice is to go into this as prepared as you can and have a sense of humor. Everything you can possibly imagine can and will go wrong during the first few months. You will mix things up. Get the timing wrong. Give someone the wrong pacifier. Put the diaper on the wrong kid. Find yourself shoving Cheerios into a 3 week-old's mouth.  Wear your underwear inside out all day long. Laugh it off (and cry later). You will need the laughs to keep you going and so will your kids.

how does baby bunching affect your kids?

Several readers have written to ask about how Baby Bunching can affect your children's developmental rates? This seems like such a difficult question to answer because so many factors have to be considered. But I decided to do a little research....for our readers we always go to great lengths. And here is the closest thing I found.

A Harvard study was released in 2006 by two Swedes* who studied just this: Does child spacing affect children's outcomes? Now I need to provide a bit of background on this. Many countries in Europe are undergoing a population decrease. So to help people procreate they offer incentives. In a place like Sweden where many families have to have two incomes to live and pay the high taxes, the government offered an incentive in 1980. A woman could take maternity leave and keep her job at 90% pay if her births were less than 24 months apart. So basically the Swedes were paying for Baby Bunching. Apparently, there was a tremendous increase in Baby Bunching in Sweden after 1980. Big surprise, huh?

I welcome anyone to wade through the research. My wanky statistics class in college made it hard for me to get through so much of the lingo, but I'm going to try to pull some interesting bits out and share.

Overall, their research showed that close spacing has a negative effect on "school performance" and "educational attainment." That actually surprised me. But there are several things to consider here.

First of all, they mention that when kids are Bunched, "childrearing obligations dominate and parents cannot give their undivided attention, commitment or energy to any one child." Hear hear! I'm guessing we all knew this was the case, but hard to read it in print.

Another point they make is "close spacing may also drain economic resources." Their point is that decreased child spacing actually increases your chance of a larger family. If you are 25 and Baby Bunch, you have a larger window of time to expand your family. If you are 39 and Baby Bunch, nature pretty much dictates your family is going to remain on the smaller end. While a larger family holds many positives, they are saying over all attention and resources are limited when you have many children.

After reading this, I wasn't sure what to do with this information. My kids are Bunched and that's the way the cards fell for us. Do I love it? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Let's be honest here, taking care of kids is difficult. And one of the hardest things is the unknown.

Each phase requires a certain amount of energy and attention: baby, toddler, preschooler, elementary, etc. In the beginning when you find out you're pregnant for the second time while your first is so little, most of us are unsure of what is to come. How hard is it to take care of a toddler? What's it like to be the parent of a preschooler? What will their needs be in second grade? While my kids now take so much less physical energy now, I don't have to hold them or carry them or chase after them, they challenge me constantly on an emotional and mental level. Now at ages 6 and 4 1/2 years old, they need an enormous amount of resource for each of them individually. Even if I didn't enroll them in camps or classes, just school, learning and play takes more time than you realize when your baby is 6 months old.

It's a difficult call to make sometimes. I love my kids and they love each other. I feel lucky that they have each other as built in playmates. It's an amazing gift, but one that doesn't come without hard work on our end as well. The juggling of two tots and multiple diaper sizes doesn't end when they get older. The need to continually provide as best as we can on an individual basis is critical for success. We must remember they are not only a Bunch but individually different kids with different needs. 

To answer the question: Yes, Baby Bunching does affect your kids, but as parents we have the ability to make the choices that will better our children for the future. And in the end, remember your kids will be each other's best friend no matter what. After all, the only other person who really "gets" mom and dad is your silbing, right? The fact that they will stand together as a Bunch to either make you crazy later in life or take care of you when you're old and sick is important.

* Study by Per Pettersson-Lidbom and Peter Skogman Thoursie. Does child spacing affect children’s outcomes? Evidence from a Swedish reform. 2006.
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baby bunching benefits: shared life stages

Baby Bunching has long been a defining personal characteristic for me - for about 18 months before Linda and I even coined the term.  I am a baby person and once I gave birth to one of my own, I was all back-to-back babies, all the time.  I realized how much babies had taken over my life when the youngest of my Bunch was about 2 1/2 and I was stunned to realize that while I was standing in the baby section of a children's clothing store, I no longer had a child that fit in those sizes.  Four straight years of baby will addle your brain that way.

I always knew I wanted a third child, but quickly realized that neither my sanity nor my marriage would survive Bunching a second time.  Our carefully timed third child arrived almost exactly three years after the second.  He has been a joy for me, especially for every age after 9 months because I feel like I never really fully got to experience those stages the first two times.  When my oldest was nine months old, I was sick as a dog and exhausted all the time, as I was pregnant with my second.  When my second was nine months old, I was in sheer survival mode and it was all a blur.  So there was no doubt that my spacing for #3 was right for me.  But of late, since my oldest has started kindergarten, I've started to wish that the spacing was a little less.  Just a tad.  Why?

Baby Bunching is a double-edged sword.  Yes, everyone is a baby at once.  But on the flip side, everyone is a baby at the same time. Which means that they are preschoolers at the same time, and grade schoolers at the same time.  If your're in the throes of Baby Bunching now, I bet you can't even GET to five years from now, so I'll just spell it out for you.

It sucks to drag a baby to soccer practice.  It sucks to wake a baby up from his nap because you have to pick one of his brothers up from school.  It sucks that they are playing cars and he's too young to play without wrecking the game.  It sucks that if you try to do arts and crafts with older kids, the baby will invariably find and eat the googly eyes, buttons, or any other small parts involved.  It sucks that babies can't sit through movies or baseball games or story hours or magic shows - all favorite past times of older kids.

Now don't get me wrong, I am loving every minute of this baby - my last (there, I wrote it for all to see!) - and am actually very grateful that he is a tether to the part of my identity I know (mom of baby) as I feel out the part I don't know (mom of school-aged kids).  But I am also really glad that I didn't wait any longer to have him.  My Bunch is moving on to a new chapter of their lives - one that isn't very baby friendly - and they're dragging me with them.  No way am I wishing away their brother's babyhood, but I'm looking forward to the day when soccer practice is fun for the whole family.  Or even better - when I can realize the Baby Bunching benefit of putting them on the same team!