announcing your surprise

By Rachel Ostlie

Everything baby is traditionally a thing of joy and communal happiness. From gasps of “Congrats!” when the pregnancy news first breaks, to the handing out of cigars by the new father, the thought of babies seem to put people in a celebratory mood.

Babies who are Bunched, however, may not receive such unconditional unquestioning approval.  Many Bunching moms, especially those über-Bunchers out there, receive side glances and comments, ranging from the innocuous “You sure have your hands full” to the snide “You do know where babies come from, don’t you?”

As if the disapproval of the general public weren’t bad enough, many of us have relatives who are perfectly willing to share their opinion. Some question your sanity, others question your birth control choices. My own father-in-law, who for five years pestered me about a grandchild and even gave me a gag gift one Christmas of “fertility pills,” has now decided to trumpet the superiority of the birth control methods he and my MIL used, giving them children spaced 3-5 years apart.

And then there may be issues even closer to home. Did that second positive pregnancy test result in the same feelings that the first one did? With the memory of the last pregnancy still fresh in your mind (let alone this morning’s diaper blow-out), were you thrilled?  Afraid? Disappointed? Or maybe just resigned? Then there are questions about how this will affect your newly balanced life… Perhaps you just returned to work and dread announcing another impending maternity leave. You might worry how this new little one will take away from the attention you were once able to dedicate to the older sibling. On top of it all, the ambivalence about the new baby in your life can feed an extra large guilt monster.

How do you announce the “good news” if you aren’t so sure it is good news? Without feeling celebratory about your bunched baby, do you hide it until it is physically evident? Do you mask your emotions? Or is there a way to confront your ambivalence about this new stage of parenthood head-on?

However you feel, and however you manage those feelings, you have at least a few months to work it out. And years and years to learn to appreciate the crazy beauty of parenting, children, and baby bunching.

Rachel is a proud baby bunching mom of a daughter (3) and a son (22 months).  She is expecting another “surprise” baby, due in September.

Comments

[Olivia]

My boys are 14 months apart. I have to admit that when I found out I was pregnant with my second I was less than thrilled. We had planned our first and got pregnant on the first try. In my "grand plan" we would wait at least until our oldest was one to start trying for our second (ideal spacing being 2 yrs apart). So you can imagine my surprise when the test read positive (in all honesty I was sitting on the bathroom floor at 5am weeping to myself when my husband and our oldest poked their heads around the door asking "well???") My husband being the trooper that he is just said "we'll figure it out". I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. I had just finished being pregnant, how can I possibly do this again so soon? I felt guilt over robbing our oldest of his special "threesome" time with myself and my husband. Overall, I just felt I wasn't ready. I was back at work, working the night shift (911 dispatcher) and was just barely holding it together. After working 12 hrs all night, I would meet my husband and our oldest at my parents house. My parents would take care of my oldest during the day, bringing him to me every 2-3 hrs so he could nurse. On top of all of this, how was I going to deal with another pregnancy. Of course I got all the "cliche" comment from my friends and co-workers. My parents were shocked as well (we dressed our oldest in a onsie that said "I'm going to be a big brother"). It wasn't until at least half way through my pregnancy that I really felt that I embraced my expectant state. The guilt I felt in the beginning of the pregnancy had now shifted. In a few months, when my new addition is placed in my arms for the first time, I feared I would experience an overwhelming sense of guilt that for even a second I didn't want him. Eventually I was able to let those feelings go. Our youngest son was born on Mother's Day of 2010. It has been a crazy and wonderful adventure. My boys love playing with each other and I believe will truely benefit from being so close in age.

[Alisha]

I have a 3 year old (just turned 3 yesterday), a 19 month old, and am 5 months pregnant with #3. Now that I am starting to show, I'm suprised at the comments we get from people. Yes, the "don't you know where babies come from" comment is so darn funny! (not)
We are happy and planned our family this way, although when we tell people that, they don't seem to believe us.

[Meghan]

Olivia - I could have written your post! My girls are 14 mos apart and I didn't have a period between my oldest's birth and finding out I was pregnant. I realized that I'd been very tired and nauseous for about a week. When my husband asked, could you be pregnant? I almost threw up on him. I peed on a stick and it was immediately positive. I came out of the bathroom waving the stick over my head, flicking pee everywhere and spitting the words, It's positive, through gritted teeth. I was not happy at first. I was BFing with a goal to nurse for a full year, if not more. I worried that wouldn't happen (and it didn't, much to my disappointment). I worried about finances (it all ended up working out in the long run). I worried that my oldest wouldn't get enough attention once the baby was born (I soon found that the oldest, then a young toddler, needed a ton of a attention, while my newborn was content to nap in the swing). The funny thing is I didn't worry so much about what others thought of me. We struggled quite a bit to get pregnant with our first. We had three miscarriages before my first so after the shock and fear wore off I realized that we were very lucky to have a healthy pregnancy again. Didn't matter what others thought. My oldest is 3 years 5 months and my youngest is 2 years 3 months. We have our rough days, but I wouldn't change it for the world. They are best of friends and I appreciate the fact that we're going through some of the hardest toddler phases almost at the same time. My oldest just finished potty-training and my youngest is about half way there. This was meant to be even if I didn't feel that way at first.

[Alicia]

Ditto on Meghan & Olivia's posts! Our #1 is 17mo and our #2 is 2 days overdue. My Baby Bunching friend (hers are 15mo apart) told me about this site and I started reading entries as soon as we found out we were pregnant. I just sat and cried at the laptop. (husband doesn't like this too much!) Now I feel much better prepared to face what's coming... and I feel this is perfect timing.

I too felt bitter (still hadn't lost weight from baby #1) and then guilty for feeling bitter...

But I've had plenty of chances to just sit on the floor and play trucks with our son... rock him and read him stories... I think we are ready.

[Amber]

Ditto as well! My two are exactly 15 months apart! My son will turn 2 years April 1 and my little girl will be 9 months. It was a total shock to find out we were pregnant so quickly. I as well had issues getting pregnant with my son. I needed help getting pregnant from clomid. My odds of getting pregnant on my own after my 1st was low. I had a complicated pregnancy with my first (kidney stones at 16 weeks, 20 weeks found out i had placenta previa (put on bedrest), then developed preeclampsia at 35 weeks). My son was born 5 weeks early and ended up in the NICU for a few weeks. It was really tough and could not imagine having another right away. We were so worried about me having preeclampsia again..talked about if we were going to have another after all the issues. It was not a joyful pregnancy with the issues i had. I enjoyed it the best I could. Then when my son was 6 months old I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I took 6 tests I was in denial! I was shocked...as you all said how will we take care of two so close in age...etc. The questions went on. Then i was so worried about how my pregnancy would go. Thankfully this time around for the most part it was wonderful..no issues except gallstone pancreatitis at 34 weeks that ended me in the hospital for a few days. That was no fun but ended up going to 38 1/2 weeks and had a healthy baby girl. I was worried when she was born how my son would do but was wonderful with her. He has never been jealous..ever!! He knows she goes where we go, tries to help burp her, its gentle with her. He has his moments but he's really wonderful! I would not change a thing! They will be close as they grow up together. They are the best blessings ever!

Now for the comments..oh i hated everyone saying "boy they will be close in age"...the one i really hate "you are going to be busy". Seriously doesn't any mom who has 2 kids no matter what their ages are busy!! We did not chose to have them so close but i'm glad it worked out the way it did. :)

[Kids Care]

Enjoyed reading your article,Atleast someone took it out of your hands... www.vivamagonline.com I'm having a hard time training my kid,I'm sure you post will be very interesting when my chid is trained completely...

[MusingOnMotherhood&Ministry]

Oh Rachel that is wonderful news about your pregnancy. It may take time to process these things given it was a surprise, but over time it becomes possible to think about the closeness bunched kids already have, and what is being added to the family unit...there may be feelings of being overwhelmed, plus remembering going through the perils of bunching the first time - but with sites like these and previous experience we are equipped! Frankly, it isn't other people's business, and if a family is larger and differently spaced than another, then family, friends and bystanders just have to accept that, even if behind the scenes we are still feeling wobbly about the undertaking :-)

[Stefanie]

My son is 7 months now & will be 14 months old when Baby #2 arrives. My favorite response to the whole, "You're sure going to have your hands full!" comment is, "I'd rather have my hands full than empty."

We struggled with infertility trying to get pregnant with Baby #1, so as overwhelming as a surprise pregnancy is, it's really a miracle.

[Brooke]

My daughter is about 9 months and I'm pregnant again. I'm really nervous to break the news to our parents. I'm already almost 13 weeks and will be showing (again!)soon. I figure I have another two/three weeks tops before I have to break the news. I am already feeling nervous about it and don't want a judgmental reaction from our parents. Any advice?

[csigirlie]

This whole site is so fascinating! I too had a long road to get pregnant the first go round, so when we found out we are pregnant again, it's crazy!
I'm due a week after my daughter will turn one...so they may be less than a year apart.
I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, and I'd really like some advice or tips on what my day might look like! I have to go back to work early so that I qualify for another maternity leave...which is leaving me feeling quite guilty, but I wonder how I'll manage when baby #2 arrives, and my daughter is just turning one...it was such an adjustment the first go round and now I have to juggle two?! It's so overwhelming! But I also know that no matter what, baby #2 is coming, and I wouldn't change it in a second...even if I don't know what's ahead of me yet! I'm just happy to be able to have another baby - the natural way this time!
I guess I just want to be assured that my instincts will somehow kick in once the time is here, and I'll just make it through...it's so hard to imagine ahead of time!
Helps to read everyone's posts though...and this site has been really helpful too.

[ib]

I am struggling with this still now. I am expecting our 3rd biological child. My husband also has a 12 yr old boy that lives with us half time, although we parent him almost 100% of the time. I already have a just turned 4 year old girl, then an almost 9 month old boy and one due in Dec. So the last two will be 1 year apart +/- a few days. We were actually done having babies after the last one. I had just started giving away some of the newborn stuff when we found out about our pregnancy.

It was 3 am in the morning and I knew something was not right, I peed on the stick and it turned bright blue instantly. I cried and cried for hours. I was in haze and could not acknowledge the pregnancy. I'm now 6 months along and am still having a hard time bonding with the baby. I just can't picture another baby in our life. It's also difficult that all our friends and family know that this is definitely a surprise for us, as we told everyone we were done having children.

I have a lot of guilt and apprehension that I won't love this baby as much as the other two.

I had just lost my job prior to our last baby and I didn't have time to find another one before we found out we were pregnant with this one. So we will have to live on one salary for an extended amount of time. We are also dealing with really tight space in our house. We will have 4 children in a 1000 sq ft house.

I know that each child is a blessing, and even know a few of our friends who cannot have children would have loved this surprise, but how do you deal with that many children and not go insane?

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