when to break up: mommy-friend style

By Rachel Ostlie

For some reason, finding good mommy-friends has not been easy for me. I do all the right things to meet new people (attending baby classes at the library, visit a variety of playgrounds), but it's been difficult to find a friendship that clicks. Perhaps it's because I live in an extremely diverse suburb (both in terms of socio-economic class and ethnicity) of a big city, but it's hard enough to find someone who speaks English, let alone someone with similar interests and kids the same age.

I've also been unsuccessful in finding mommy-friends from the pool of people who are already my friends. Though my high school friends and college friends all are happily married with lots of new babies, I now share in their joys only through Facebook. And while I moved here eight years ago, all the friends I've made since are single and childless.

I did make one close mommy-friend. When my daughter was born three years ago, I started attending a little singing and book reading class at the library for babies ages zero to two. There was just one mom with a daughter as young as mine, and we hit it off right away. We started having playdates when our girls were three months old and barely acknowledged each other's existence, and our weekly meet-ups had a permanent place in my calendar. Soon we celebrated holidays together, and the dynamic duo took our sweeties to museums, state fairs, zoos, and aquariums. I even had the privilege of videoing her daughter's very first steps on one of our outings!

But then... something came between us. Something called Baby #2. Though my friend was overjoyed to hear I was expecting, and threw me a lovely baby shower, things just weren't the same. My life and hers were no longer mirror images of each other. She started rescheduling our hang outs, or canceling altogether. At first I was frustrated, then offended as she began moving our playdate around to accommodate all her other new friends. Finally, I worked up the courage to ask if I had done anything wrong, and if I needed to ask forgiveness. She assured me that nothing was wrong, yet the passive-aggressive behavior continued. Now, as I sit in front of my computer screen and stew over being at the bottom of her list for the hundredth time, I am seriously considering breaking up with her. Not a dramatic, in-your-face breakup. Just the kind where I stop trying any more. I don't want to give up on all the good times we had, but it seems as if baby bunching has driven us apart.

This Baby Bunching blog always encourages us to build our "momtourage," to find fellow Baby Bunchers to support us in our trials. After this relationship, I begin to see the wisdom of their advice even more. Some friends last a lifetime. Others can't last the divisive nature of a second baby (let alone the third baby some über-Bunchers manage before most people even start to think about another pregnancy). So my advice to you, and to myself? Make friendship a priority. We're all gonna need it.

Rachel is a baby bunching mom of a daughter (3) and son (20 months). If you live in the northern suburbs of Chicago, she is currently seeking members for her momtourage.

Comments

[b.a.r]

Yes! I agree. Sometimes it is so hard to find a good match and then when you do life and schedules get in the way. Maintaining a close friendship can be such a busy addition to my already busy life. I know it is also rewarding but it can he really hard as well.

I've broken up with a few friends. But not for such a trivial reason as rescheduling playdates. I think you should try to give her more credit. It is not fair to hold a friend up to unsaid expectations and when she doesn't meet them, break up with her. If I felt so much pressure from a friend it would exhaust me.

[Anne]

I could tell right away at the beginning of the post that you lived in Chicago! I've had a very hard time making mommy friends here too, and when the kids' ages don't match up it just doesn't work as well. Too bad I live in the Western suburbs, or we could hang out ;)

[Cara Fox]

As a lifelong friend collector and a true girl's girl, I do not let go of friendships easily. It took becoming a mom and weathering a couple of "seasons of change" such as the one you described to teach me that sometimes, it's ok for friendships to be seasonal and you can let go of them without feeling bad.

As a Baby Buncher, I found conflicting nap schedules to be THE biggest friendship killer. Closely followed by conflicting preschool schedules. And followed shortly thereafter by grade schoolers who have decided that no matter how much their moms have loved each other since childbirth class, first grade boys and girls don't play together like they did when they were toddlers and the kiddos don't want to do playdates anymore.

I'm in agreement that chronic cancellation sucks. Start adding multiple kids into the mix and all of the sudden, the minor scheduling cancellations and adjustments that were easier to take in stride with one kid really throw a wrench in the works when your scheduled is finely tuned to accommodate the needs of two or three kids. I've let a few flaky friends fall by the wayside because of chronic cancellations - not that I wrote them off or hated them - just resigned myself to the fact that I need a little more structure than they do and no matter how much we like each other, we may not be the best fit.

If you really love the mom and you're determined to stay friends, try taking a shot at doing an outing in the evening without kids - over coffee or drinks. If she was meant to be a friend for life, reconnecting periodically (even if not as often as before) will be enough to keep the friendship alive. And if not, maybe just say a prayer of thanks that you came into each other's lives just when you needed each other - and let it go.

[Anna]

I love this blog. It helps me stay sane. :) I am 32 weeks pregnant with my 2nd and they will be 15months apart. I am currently struggling to meet new mom's (moved to Brooklyn from Switzerland 9 months ago). I am encouraged by all the other mom's out there, even if it is virtual. :) Cheers!

[Amanda]

@Cara Fox--such words of wisdom. Thank you.

[Jenny]

I don't know how close you were to her emotionally, but is it possible she is trying to have a second and it is not happening? Maybe seeing you and your baby bliss is too much pain? I know moms who had no trouble making baby #1, but struggled for many years to give that child a sibling. Just something to think about.

[Arcade phase]

Here where i live there is no such problem to find mommy friends , so i guess i don"t relate to you .
games-games

[Amanda]

@Jenny - that was my first thought as well. I had a very close friend - our first kids were born only weeks apart. However, when I became pregnant just 6 months later, our friendship began to suffer despite knowing each other for years. It turned out they were trying to conceive again quickly and it did not happen. In fact it took them 3 years! I stayed in touch but definitely gave the friendship a solid "cooling off" year; it was emotionally difficult for me, but now we are pretty close again and I am able to celebrate the fact that they are expecting again.

[Kate]

You know, some of the best mommy-friends I've made have been from 'diverse' socioeconomic or racial profiles. Some of my favorite bunching friends barely speak English. Maybe widen your net and keep an open mind about who, or how, your friendships might form?

That said, with a 23 month old and a 9 month old, I count myself lucky if I see any friend monthly. And mostly even then, it's my childless friends, and they come to me!

It'll get easier. But until then, at least we all have each other?

[Aja]

I hear you- my BFF since college and I have first babies who are three weeks apart and used to hang out all the time. Now she's a working momma and I am a stay-at-home momma of 2 under 2 and we rarely see each other (she also moved an hour away). My closest friends are now the firls from my MOPS group. We can count of seeing each other kid-free at bi-monthly meetings and also at playdates and other events as schedules allow. Most of us also go to church together and do Bible studies etc. I wouldn't know what to do without those ladies! I literally am in tears if I miss MOPS due to sick kids or something else. Maybe you have something like that in your area?

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