playground pecking order: mommy edition

By Rachel Ostlie

Do you remember back in elementary school? Everybody knew where everyone else stood in the playground pecking order. There was the “smartest kid,” the “fastest kid,” the “class clown,” and the “best draw-er.” Toward the upper elementary school years, I think we started developing a fashion sense and then kids were sorted into “cool” and “not cool.”

I had a flashback to those days today at the library. I take my little baby there for a 0-24 mos 'Moms and Babies Book Time' class, and big baby tags along. Today, because it was fiercely cold outside, we stuck around the library so the kids could play for a while out of the house. At the kiddie computers with touch screens, my big baby made friends with a mom and two kids (boy-girl twins) at the next computer over. The mom was super friendly and included my daughter while I chased little baby around the book aisles.

At first blush, this seemed like the perfect mom friend. Her kids were well-dressed and well-behaved. She acted like an early childhood education major with her way of narrating everything and encouraging participation from the trio of toddlers crowded around the baby computer game. But as our kids swarmed from one activity to another (Puzzles! Ship with puppets! Reading Tree with beanbags!) the feelings started. Feelings of inferiority, with a dash of jealousy. Yes, her kids were well-dressed, but they were better dressed than mine. Yes, her kids were well-behaved; they sat quietly while she read them a story, while mine continued jumping around on the beanbags. The sorest spot? They were just barely two, but babbled away in full sentences, using words like “tunnel” and all their colors. My big baby daughter, who turns three this month and is growing up with both Spanish and English, is nowhere near their level. In fact, when the über-mom asked her name, big baby held up her hand, fingers upward, and said, “Two.”

Each minute that passed, the debate raged within me. To stay, or to go? To make friends, or to just take the hook out of this fish and never turn back? Was my own insecurity as a mother a good enough reason to quit this relationship before it began? Just because I wasn't the smartest, fastest, funniest, or best draw-er, should I shy away from the monkey bars?

I'm still not sure what the right answer is... I'm almost thirty, and have been married for eight years, but I still have a lot to learn about relationships. How much of it is about what I get, and how much is about what I give? And how do my kids interplay in this give-get ratio? I'd welcome any suggestions or words of wisdom, but most of all, I hope this post reminds others that they aren't alone. No matter where you go, there will always be someone who makes you feel (in words or deed) that you'll never measure up. Then again, maybe next time you will be the superhuman über-mom everybody's jealous of...

Rachel is a Baby Bunching mom of a 3-year old and an18-month-old boy who are already being mistaken for twins. She lives in the Chicago area.

Comments

[Amy Talbott]

Ahh my Dear Rachel friend, You are your own Uber-Mom, and I know that first hand. You manage so many different things on a daily basis that I couldn't dream of keeping up with, I hope you continue your mommy posts in the future I just love reading them. From another "insane" woman who happens to have three under three, I am constantly reminded of how different all kids are on a daily basis. Do I struggle with comparision? Absolutely, My biggest struggle has to do with the state of my house, and feeling unwilling to have people come into my house. I have a darling sister who keeps a perfect house. Every room is Martha Stewart perfect and I struggle with the constant "kid mess" all over my home.
I wonder if we will ever remove ourselves from the comparision game we as women play. I think that we, I, miss out on a lot of things because I compare myself to women around me that I view as somehow better. I want to be thinner, I want to be prettier, I want perfect kids, and beautiful kids. But if I spend all my time trying to be what I am not both me and my kids suffer. I just wish I would remember that each time the temptation to compare comes up. Ahhh, my current constant struggle I suppose.

Thanks Rach for your insights, I love reading your posts. Miss you girlie AmyT

[Kate]

I think we each have unique insecurities as mothers. My children are 20 months and 6 months, and my oldest is 'advanced' in language development. He knows all his colors, but that doesn't stop me from being insecure when I meet my own version of uber-mom: the one with a fancy SUV, a personal trainer and time for herself. We just need to be kinder to ourselves and kinder to each other, and remember that we each fight our own internal battles every day. Thanks for your post, Rachel.

[MutteringMother]

It's because we notice the differences between our children and ourselves that we're our own worst enemies! IT DOESN'T MATTER! Once you get to kindergarten, there will be even more mothers to compare against who will plague our insecurities unless we address them.

If the perfect mother appears to be out there, there will be something she is not doing as well as someone else which she hides extremely well (or doing things like worrying, better than others.) Can't we just focus on being good enough mothers, our children being happy, them befriending who they are naturally drawn to and leave our hang ups behind? Possibly, in the age of highly competitive parenting, where mothering choices are judged and carped about, we can't, which is a huge shame.

Do we want our kids to pick up these values from us, or do we teach them that everyone is equal even if some mothers are more stylish, relaxed, and confident than others? If we're striving to be uber-moms, are we going to breed children who are trained to over-achieve and be the perfectionists we really, really need not to be? Rachel, I do feel your pain - I sometimes feel like Dorky Mom - but comparing ourselves to others gets us nowhere, especially in the motherhood, and this isn't wisdom, it's just the way I see it!