finding 'me' in the middle of a bunch

When my second baby was born, I was immediately pulled into a hurricane of activity--two kids less than 16 months apart, diapers everywhere, bottles of different sizes, crying, sleep issues and an international move on top of that. My days were spent in the kitchen, moving one or both kids from point A to point B, feeding/changing someone every hour and trying to catch a break for myself to pee. Survival.

My life had been turned upside down and sideways with babies, and of course, it left little time for me to focus on "me." I couldn't help but lose some of myself in this chaos.

At church on Sunday, the these was about finding your identity. Finding the "me" you want to be. Who am I? I can say without a doubt the me I was before kids is completely different than the me now. And I'm not talking about the me that said my kids would never eat McDonalds or watch TV. The me that sees things on the street sees them differently now. The me that interacts with other parents, judges less. The me that struggles to make it through a day sometimes can't manage the last bit of tasks before bed.

Basically, the day my second baby was born my life took on new meaning. My role in the world did, too. And for the next three years (until my oldest was about four) what little "me" time I had was spent working part-time, running errands childless or sneaking off for a quicky pedicure. There certainly hasn't been time to sit and ponder my identity.

After a few days of simmering on this topic, I think I realized the answer may be simpler than I thought. Motherhood changes you forever. It forces patience and acceptance. It makes you understand that things are not always as they should be or as you expect. Organization is important, but you have to willing readjust and redirect on a dime. You have to be willing and able to laugh at your mistakes and move on quickly. You have to know when to throw your hands up and just cry "uncle!"

My own "handicraft" is a big part of being me. I am blessed that it translates from place to place and I can find different ways to practice it as I change.

I think when it comes down to it, everyone has some kind "craft"--whether is storytelling, music, mediation, persuading, organizing, constructing, etc.  But I believe that it's important for all of us to find some time during the week to perfect our craft and build on it. Because that designated "me" time makes you who you are. And as your kids grow up, it's the "you" your kids want to know.  

Comments

[Sharon M.]

I know the feeling! Me = Mom now! I can never think of myself as anything other than a mom since having my bunch. It's hard to step outside the mom tasks even for an hour!

[Cara Fox]

I lucked out and never lost the "me" in Mommy - I have been able to stay strongly connected with my job, my friends, my blogging and my volunteer work, all of which are essential to who I am. Less frequently, I get to exercise and read - two of my other favorite things to do.

What I struggle with is the guilt in taking time to do anything outside of the Mommy me. While I do still DO the things mentioned above, I always feel a gnawing guilt that I'm doing those things instead of mommying. Especially if I'm (gasp!) having more fun doing these other things than I do when I'm mommying.

Who knew that motherhood would be such a double-edged sword - unequivocally the most important thing I have ever done, yet in some ways constantly at odds with some of the other things I do to try to help make the world a better place.

[helene]

I'm so glad I've found your blog today!

I only have a seven & a half months daughter & so wanting another baby soon, so I'm trying to read on the subject, all the pro's & con's

I already often feel I am losing myself in the mommy self, as if I were merely living for my baby
In a way it's true
I have little by little stopped each of my other passions to devote myself to my girl but I realise I have & surely can balance things better!

To me it's not a question of guilt but more about a fear of being 50% good at this and 50% good at being a mom.
Like being part.
maybe a kind of guilt.
Maybe next year I'll let my daughter at daycare one or two mornings a week and balance time for myself and time for my daughter while baking baby 2 :)

I am still searching on your website, but I was wondering how was pregnancy while taking care of your first baby?
because right now it is what worries me the most!
I first had a mc and then had my daughter which was like a miracle and a wonderful blessings to heal after the mc.
but it meant I was kinda pregnant for a whole year!
and the second pregnancy was very exhausting and caused me lots of stress.
I did not enjoy it much to be honest.
Yet after the horrible birth, looking into my daugther's eye made me so want to have more children, because it just felt so right!
Like I was meant to be a mom and my dream had come true!
I know each pregnancy can be different :)
I so wish I could live an easy and serene pregnancy with even some lovely euphoria

anyways thanks for this blog, it's really interesting and helpful!