daddies do it differently

Today at the park, it was one of those rare occasions when the number of dads monitoring kids on the playground far outnumbered the moms.  As I followed (ok, hovered) over my 2 year-old trying to keep him from breaking his neck on the "big boy" 5-and-up equipment, I noticed what looked to be about a 17-month old boy toddle right up to the top of the equipment with us.  Alarmed because there wasn't a parent in sight, but not really wanting to be an alarmist, I gently grasped his arm and said in a loud, chirpy voice, "Oh, hey, little buddy!  Are you supposed to be up here ALL BY YOURSELF?"  Enter Dad from around the corner, defensively commenting that he was "keeping an eye on things from afar".  Which would've been super useful as the kid was plummeting head-first off eight feet high equipment.

I got my little one down on safe ground just in time to watch Middle be grabbed in a headlock by a (dad supervised) big kid a few years older than him.  My son (rather guiltily) looked as if he wasn't sure whether he was authorized to fight back or if he should burst into tears, so I skipped reading the big kid the riot act and shouted across the playground for them to "cut it out".  The older boy immediately released my child, but his parent never looked up from the paper he was reading.

A few minutes later, I watched a boy age six or so ride onto the playground on a bike, tailed from a distance by his dad.  The kid (who was shoeless, shirtless, and helmetless, I might add) immediately trekked the bike up to the top of the slide and was preparing to ride the bike down the slide.  Again, straddling the fine line between interfering with someone else's parenting and keeping a kid safe, I rose to my feet, preparing to to intervene.  Dad finally sauntered over and, in a very relaxed tone, suggested to the kid that it might not be a good idea to do that.  He then proceeded to politely argue with him for another 5 minutes until the kid finally changed his mind and walked the bike back down to ground level.  

A few minutes later, as my kids were skipping stones into the giant retention pond disguised as a lake that was near the playground, another dad allowed his two small boys to wade down to the mouth of the tunnel leading to the pond so they could check things out.  When my kids asked why the couldn't go too, I politely gritted my teeth and muttered something under my breath about how the lake looked pretty, but was filled with poo and other nasty stuff.

We trekked back to the playground, passing a dad with a beer in his hand and a spoon in his kid's ice cream dish, reassuring me that sometimes dads DO know what they're doing.  We arrived back at the playground just in time to see the (once again unattended) toddler toddle right into crazy stunt boy's bike and knock it over onto himself.  Both dads moved pretty fast that time.

After a few hours of monitoring not only my kids, but those of every other mother not represented on the playground, I was exhausted.  I'm really not sure why I felt it was my duty to keep tabs on them, except to say that my own friends have informed me that they have saved my children's lives on two separate occasions while my husband was ostensibly providing "supervision" in my absence.  Also, I know for a fact that he lets them goof off on our driveway either in their pajamas or even in their underwear one time, according to my neighbor.

My husband (and, it appears, most males) is: 1) far more laid-back than me; 2) completely unable to foresee the wide array of hazards that potentially exist in a given situation; and 3) consistently overestimates our children's physical abilities as well as the age-appropriateness of activities.  In my opinion, this is a deadly combination of qualities, particularly for a Baby Bunching parent who must be constantly on alert.  He allows my children to explore in ways that I never would, which I only learn about because they slip up and tell me once in awhile - he would never risk bearing my wrath by telling me himself.  God love the man who has to hear every time either A) he leaves the house with my kids or B) I leave him at the house with my kids that I will never, ever forgive him if something happens to them on his watch.  Never mind the fact that if we're actually keeping score, they've had far more injuries on my watch than his. 

I am admittedly stereotyping dads here, which I totally own.  There are exceptions to every rule and it could be that in your family daddy is the OSHA Inspector, while you're the good-time-gal.  I begrudgingly admit that both types of parents are needed - otherwise you wind up with a kid covered from head to toe in helmets and padding, but lacking any sort of physical agility, confidence, or the kind of resilience that comes only from trying and failing.  In that respect, today's playground excursion was illuminating for me.  But don't tell my husband.

Comments

[Janet]

It's a fine line. I can't expect my husband to "mother" our son. He's not a mom. However, I can expect him to parent responsibly. We did have a 'come to Jesus' meeting one day because he had done some stupid thing and I was livid. I told him that it's not "cool", it's not "manly", and it sure as hell isn't "okay" to be so laid back that your son gets hurt.

I told him that he needed to re-evaluate his ability to do risk assessment and his desire to be self-absorbed while caring for our son.

Looked him dead in the eye and said, "If anything EVER happens to our child because you were careless, I will never forgive you. I'm not talking about an accident. I'm talking about those times where sitting your ass on a bench 'seems' the better idea."

I'm all for encouraging my kids to take risks. I am not a helicopter parent. I expect boo-boo's, scars, and bumps. But, not when Dad is being selfish and uninvolved. Inexcusable.

[Cara Fox]

Agree, Janet. It's not the accidents that bug me - it's the injuries due to laziness, carelessness, and sometimes stupidity on the part of the supervising parent.

BTW, LOVE your "need to re-evaluate his ability to do risk assessment" language - LOL. I'm totally using that on my husband next time.

[Buddha Mama]

My husband is an ER doctor and has seen too many avoidable injuries/illnesses to be lax. That said, he's still very laid back about certain things. Bumps and bruises at the playground are totally acceptable to him, but there is vigilant hand-washing, all heavy furniture is strapped to walls, hot liquids are kept way, way up at home and there is a no-tolerance policy not hot wearing a helmet. Most importantly, our kids go NO WHERE NEAR dogs, no matter how friendly the owners claim they are. Dog bites happen. My little ones may need some band-aids on daddy's watch, but they're not going to the ER!

[jean grow]

I love that last perspective, since an ER doctor has a great way to keep track of reality and not focus on the little things. I'm a vet and would LOVE to second the comment about other people's dogs:

a) few people are realistic about their own dog (just as few people are realistic about their expectations of children... the nice lady holding that leash may have NEVER interacted with a toddler in her life.)

b) many of the best family dogs are very protective and will not tolerate a threat to their own humans, even if the threat is unintentional... other breeds are mostly flat out insane and/or inbred. I wouldn't want some ancient inbred monarch's children playing with my kids, and inbred dogs have less logic or restraint than your average mentally ill human. Your own dog belongs with your own family, and I apply this to our dog. If more people kept that as a family rule, then the honest mistakes of good dogs wouldn't end up being fatalities. There is no winner in dog sharing, just moments where kids learn too little restraint, and moments where kids get scared or scarred. You might as well flip a coin on any given dog.

[brandi]

what a great read! my husband seems overprotective at some points (or lazy) where he thinks the high chair or the stroller is the best place, but I say let him get into the books on the shelf and let him crawl on the beach. So he will ask me if something is ok when he see's me doing it, but doesnt understand the line. I say let him crawl on the beach but pick him up if a wave comes close or he tries to eat sand. I came back 10 seconds later to a baby with sand all around his mouth and a face dripping with water. :/