developmental milestones: staying on target

Recently, a fellow Baby Buncher posted her concern on Facebook about her child's "slow" language development, wondering how concerned she really should be about a vocabulary that's on the small side, according to toddler milestone standards.

I can totally sympathize, because I've grappled with this issue with two out of my three boys (Big and Baby- Middle started talking when he was 16 months old and hasn't shut up since then).  One of the challenges about Baby Bunching, especially if you're Bunching your first two babies, is that A) you're a first (and really quickly, second) time mom and you're not really sure what "normal" development looks like and B) you're likely drowning in a sea of diapers and bottles and can barely keep your head above water enough to put out fires that arise on a daily basis, more less go looking for the forest among the flaming trees.

My oldest was a "late bloomer", speech-wise and once he turned 3, I grappled for months with whether to have him evaluated.  At the time, my husband was back in school getting his MBA and we had minimal health care coverage, so it was going to cost me $600 out of pocket for a full speech and hearing evaluation.  I have a genetic hearing loss, so I'm overly cautious about hearing tests (he had passed the one at his two-year checkup with flying colors) but the speech thing was still bugging me.  I was able to scout out a Free Speech and Hearing SCREENING day at a local preschool, but the "wait 6 months and see" inconclusive results from that made me nervous.  So I ponied up the $600, figuring that if there was a problem, I would never forgive myself if I let it go a year or two during his most critical stages of development, all over $600.  In the end, it turned out that he was absolutely fine - just a man of few words.  And he still is.

Fast forward and now Baby (the third of my Bunch, who's not technically Bunched, at 3 years younger than Middle) is almost two. He babbles nonstop and follows multi-step instructions, but doesn't speak clearly or use words to convey what he wants and only says a handful of recognizable words.  And by handful, I mean like 3.  Because of my prior experience with Big, and because I figured he's the youngest and his brothers do a lot of talking for him, I really wasn't too worried.  Enter a visit with Grandma, who works at a school for children with communication and learning differences.  Immediately, she insisted suggested that we take Baby on over to the school and try to squeeze in an appointment with the Speech and Language Pathologist (SLP), breezily insisting that she didn't think anything was WRONG with him, but that on the off-chance there was, early intervention could make all the difference in the world.  

Ten minutes into the appointment, I realized that he was not on target.  Not at all.  Not even a little.  Not only could he not say the words, he refused to participate in the test and became outraged when the SLP (gently and lovingly) insisted that he would.  But he was only half of the problem - the other half was me.  She was asking him questions about colors and shapes and it occurred to me that although I drilled his brothers on these things in the first two years of life, things have been so crazy that I've never really focused on WORKING with him on these things.  He sits through story time every night, but he listens to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or Nate the Great, not Big Bird's Guessing Game About Shapes, like his brothers did.  I falsely assumed that he would just assimilate basic things like colors, shapes and words.  He's the baby of the family, so while I expect self-sufficiency from his older brothers, I coddle him - never once forcing him to use his words (even in baby talk) to convey what he wants.  And the word, "no"??  Well, it's no wonder he can't say it - he's never heard it.

It was a true parenting wake-up call.  The SLP sent us away with a homework assignment to focus on learning 5 new words in 6 weeks and a packet of instructional materials to teach us how to help him.  The whole family is in on the act now, with even the Bigs insisting that he use his words.  We're actively working on age-appropriate tasks like colors/numbers/words and Baby has his own story hour, with board books instead of chapter books.  In almost 2 weeks, he's made great progress, adding about ten words - not clear as a bell, but he's trying, at least.  Our next step is to have his hearing evaluated at his 2 year appointment and then follow up with the pediatrician and SLP about next steps.

Baby Bunching, although overwhelming, is still not an excuse for lazy parenting, and I feel I'm guilty (albeit unintentionally) of that with Baby. In this case, early intervention WAS key - even if not necessarily for the baby.  If you're still with me after wading through this long post, my points are this: A) it's never wrong to listen to your gut - if you feel something is "off" - follow your instincts and B) don't let Baby Bunching beat you down to the point that you're blowing off potential problems in the hopes that your Bunch will "grow out of them" or they'll go away.  For a Baby Buncher, the first five years of your kids' life are difficult for you, but that doesn't make them any less critical.  Yes, every child grows at his/her own pace, but be sure you're focused on knowing the milestones (www.healthychildren.org is a great American Academy of Pediatrics site that lists these) and where your Bunch is at in achieving them.  

We often say here on Baby Bunching that the first two years of Bunching is about survival, but sometimes, just surviving isn't enough.

Comments

[Rachel O.]

Thanks, Cara!

[sarah]

So true.

I have a 2.5 year old and 7 month of (preemie) twins. I feel like someone is always neglected, and in the case of the girls, that I don't spend nearly enough 'early development' time with them as I did my son. They are on track with their adjusted age, but I find it harder to find the time to do the activities that early intervention has recommended. And when I do, I feel as if my toddler is being neglected.

I suppose its a no-win, but I should chat with my husband and see if we can somehow divvy the tasks and make sure everyone is getting he attention they need....

[jean grow]

Sarah - you will do beautifully!

Every mom of twins worries that there isn't enough time to give them all the attention they need (even with 'only' twins) but it is possible, and God will not give you more than you can handle. Our twins are 3 now, and we still feel like the exaustion of that first year is only now letting go of us. If you have the same unfortunate situation that we do, of not having a few grandparents and aunts around to help dole out the love, perhaps you will find the same relief we did; let some new people into your life to help babble at your babies! We hired a teenager for about 1-2 days per week, and ended up with her whole family devoting quality time to expanding our sons' world. I know that having all that time and energy just for them made a difference in their concept of being loved, and of being safe with more people than just mom and dad - and with twins, you're going to need that freedom of independent children. They still need me, that's for sure, but they know other people can be wonderful, too.

I know being Orthodox has made church going a little easier, and independence easier too, since our churches tend to share kids, pass them around the choir and give them a lot of time in a like-aged and mixed crowd. If you have any church to go to, I'm sure there will be at least a few more resources (especially in terms of older women) who would love to ease your load and teach the kids some new words, give them that extra bit of attention, etc. Sometimes the motivation of being "the lucky lady who is important to those adorable twins" can create some competition for the job! I've seen more than one Baba welcoming hugs from my kids and looking around to see if all the other old ladies noticed that she was picked first! It's just a real-life part of being human, and with all the added stress of having two small children at the same time, you NEED to mine a few of the benefits of being that special mommy with exciting offspring. Never feel guilty about mining your fame for the benefit of the kids!

And then there are the "Mother-Of-Twins-Clubs" or MOTC (which I haven't tried yet.) I have heard great things about the amount of support available, and when if comes down to it, just having another twin mommy, with or without a club, can release so much of your stress and ease your fears. There is nothing better than meeting a woman with beautiful, normal 5 year old girls who lets you know how bad it got for her (whether laundry or stress), how inadequate she felt, and how wonderful it all turned out to be. Each of us has certain things we excel at, and I think twin-moms have a good way of finding your special talents and reminding you of them, so you can realise that there are always a few things that your kids will have better than 'those other kids over there' or 'those other twins' and that in the end, as long as your children really KNOW you love them, they'll do well in life.

[Stimey]

If you're worried, I think it's always worthwhile to search out the (free) county- or state- based programs that evaluate and provide services for young children. Your pediatrician should have that information. Honestly, you have nothing to lose other than a couple hours at a screening. Still, trust your instincts; my local Infants & Toddlers program said my (then undiagnosed) autistic son didn't qualify for services.

[Sharon]

I can sympathize with you Cara! I have also had parenting wake-up calls myself. It's never easy to realize that you have let one of your precious gifts fall behind on their development. You are certainly NOT neglecting your children though! You have provided a loving home with food, shelter and nurturing.
It can be difficult to tell when there are differences among your kids that indicate an actual problem. All of my kids are SO different in terms of speech, potty-training, independent tasks, reading. It would have become very clear that your Baby was non-verbal once he got a little older.

Whenever I've hit a setback like this I feel guilty for a little while and then move on. My kids need me to be relaxed when teaching them...not stressed like "hey, we need to catch up to everyone else here!"

[Cori]

This post hit home because my oldest was speech delayed (now at 3 he uses bigger words than I do); my middle was almost speech delayed (his speech exploded about 1 week before his already scheduled evaluation; my little is too little to tell, but she babbles like a champ.

One thing every baby buncher needs is an extraordinary pediatrician. Your pediatrician should be screening for delays, etc. at every appointment. While you shouldn't be lazy about things, this can be a built in safety net. If you don't LOVE your pediatrician, and yes, I meant the caps, start asking everyone you know who has similar health care philosophies as you what they think of theirs. Wait until someone starts gushing, really gushing and won't shut up about it, and go with that one. Mine fits my non-alarmist but thorough personality, and has pointed out where my kids are behind, making referrals including speech evaluations through State provided (& free) early intervention services, without turning me into a stress case.

[Michelle]

Missing that your child is delayed does not mean you were neglecting them. People always assure parents that boys are slower to talk, and alot of behavior is dismissed as "normal" toddler behavior when it isn't. In addition, the rate of development changes. My older son, who is on the autism spectrum, was ahead on all development, including language until 18 months. Now at almost 3, he is speech delayed by a full year. By contrast, baby brother was slow to develop until 9 months and now at 15 months, he is catching up to bi brother.