This question came to us from Marla on our Facebook page.
Q:When "bigs" was "littles" age, if she did any thing totally unacceptable while we were away from home (like biting friends) she got a warning and then if she repeated the offense we had to leave and go home. Little was to little to care if we left and still does not really understand if we have to leave because bigs is in trouble. now that little is going through this phase I wonder what bigs reaction will be when we have to leave what ever fun activity when little gets in trouble. Any advise?
A: As the mom to a former biter, I felt I might be the most qualified to answer this question. My daughter began biting around age 1. We claim it was self defense as it was the one thing that would stop her older brother dead in his tracks. Seeing how effective it could be, she continued. And two years later I was still dealing with biting, which I might add is not OK at anytime, but really uncool at age 3.
Looking for some advice, I turned to my local mom's group--whose children were victims to my little vampire--and their advice was I had to show it was not OK and it might mean leaving a playdate immediately. I think many times it was as hard for me to leave as it was for the kids because I needed the companionship as much as they did.
So we started Operation Save the Playdate, and I let everyone know on the way to the playdate that biting was not acceptable. If you bite, we leave. Immediately. At first I don't think they believed me, but we did it. Both kids cried and screamed. It was not a pretty sight. Although after a few of these, I think my oldest finally got how this played out and there was less resistance to our hasty exit. I usually let the hostess know ahead of time what the game plan was so she knew when we sprinted out that it was not about her. I also had to watch my daughter like a hawk to try to catch her before she took the bite. After a few times of this, my son would lecture his sister in the car about not biting because he wanted to play and it wasn't fair if they had to leave because of her.
I can't remember exactly how many interactions we had like this. Although if I had to guess I would say we probably had to do this only about 5 times. It shows they catch on quicker than we realize if you stick to it. And it is super hard to stick to it. Many times I wanted to cave and stay, but I kept thinking that would mean she won.
Your oldest one's reaction might be disgust or disappointment. But it's good to keep in mind that it's only one of many lessons for your Bunch illustrating the very-hard-to-learn fact that family operates as a unit. Bad behavior is not OK and sometimes everyone loses out. In fact, it may mean everyone loses privileges, like TV or going out to eat, because one child can't behave. While our kids are certainly individuals with their own personalities, they really need to work as a team. If one player doesn't get the play right, you lose the game for the whole team. On the flip side, if everyone can get it right, we'll have a fabulous time together and maybe even win!
Please chime in and let us know your thoughts on this.
yay! thanks for picking me :) i figured i would just have to tough it out. i am not looking forward to the tears. i do like the analogy of the team. i have never really thought of it that way, but you are exactly right.
Posted by: marla | Jul 16, 2010 at 02:37 PM