baby bunching Q/A: taking turns

Q: I am looking for some resources as to how to deal with your Bunch fighting with each other. I have a 13 month old boy and a 27 month old girl, and all they do is fight over toys! My 13 month old is too young to understand the concept of sharing or taking turns and just comes up to his sister, tackles her, and tries to take what he wants. This leads to screaming/pushing/kicking from one or both of them. She generally starts screaming for help when he comes within 4 feet of her.

I've tried redirecting the 13 month old. I've tried time outs for my 27 month old. I've tried separating them with a play-yard (whoever is in wants out and whoever is out wants in). I've been dealing with it by trying to get out every day to the pool or to the gym (where they play nice in the child center), or running errands.

Thank goodness they both nap at the same time so I can get a little peace and quiet!

I'm at my wit's end though.

A: We recently had another question on discipline, but we like this question because there are some things you can do to help instill some great sibling lessons for your kids.

Our Baby Bunching friend Tara (with 4 kids Bunched) provided us this tip a while back when we were doing extensive book research. She received the advice from her doctor.

The best way to handle this (we think) is to facilitate sibling interaction this way: If the older child wants a toy from the baby, teach the older child that he/she has to bring another toy to trade with the baby. The baby early on doesn't care what toy he has. The older child doesn't mind the "trade" b/c she just wants the toy.This teaches the older child that she just can't grab from the baby, but she doesn't learn to resent the child for being scolded for grabbing a toy.

We tried this for a bit in our house and it worked wonderfully. It's redirecting with a bit more purpose. There will come a time where the baby cares what he has but this works really well in the beginning. After that (when the younger does care) we recommend you work very hard (and it IS hard) not to interfere with their fights, etc. - unless someone gets hurt. If things are getting out of hand, ask the child who has the toy, "how many minutes until [said child] can have the toy." And then I set a timer for those minutes. Almost always the child picks something like "two minutes" and has no problem handing it over when the timer goes off. As they get older they will pick something like 100 minutes, but by that time you can use the opportunity to help teach fairness. The main thing is it is not OK for the child playing to just have to "give up the toy" because someone else wants it. Same goes for play dates on this one. Just because Johnny is playing with the train and Susie wants it next doesn't mean he should have to give it up right that very second. It's about taking turns (when the turn is up) and patience.

I know I would be ticked if I was watching a movie, and my husband wanted the remote and someone told me I had to give it to him in "two minutes" (whereas, it would go over much better if he asked when I would be done with the remote!!).

We'd love to hear more tips on this.

Comments

[kelly]

Good tips! My 13 month old is getting to the point where a trade no longer satisfies her unfortunately. and my almost 3 year old is not a fan of sharing. I'll be giving these ideas a try!! Thanks

[Rachel O.]

I'm in the same boat with my 13 month old and 30 month old... The older baby has the "trade" idea down pat, but the younger baby is starting to not be a fan. I sometimes have them count til 30 to take turns (which older baby also has down pat) but then I sometimes take 5+ minutes sitting counting out time for turns with each kid. At least they'll learn their numbers, I guess!

[Miranda]

My strategy right now is to say, 'you can have the toy when your sister is finished with it', and tell sister, 'when you are finished with it please give it to brother'. No timing or enforced sharing. Gives them both reassurance that their turn will come, and when it does they can have toy as long as they want. Kids are 36 and 16 months and it's working great. They like to make the choice when to give up a toy, and they are usually done in no time. I never thought it would have worked. 16 month old doesn't realy get it though. I have to hold her while she cries for the toy but 3 year old quickly gives it up. This is how it works on play dates at my house too.

[Molly]

We do the "whenever you're done with it" thing too. Our girls are 15 months and 29 months. Generally they do pretty good about sharing considering their ages but when it comes up it has to be dealt with due to the fact that the little one has caught up to the big one size-wise and does NOT have the whole 'it's not ok to push/shove/grab/pull hair' thing down yet. And she is 4 inches shorter so she has a lower center of gravity. I generally just say 'X had it first but as soon as they're done it can be your turn' and once it gets set down it's fair game although usually the first one will share before it gets to that point. We also try to have at least two of whatever is in the main play area and save the single toys for other areas. Makes for easier distracting, since you can just say 'oh look baby, your doll/phone/puppet is right here!'

[jean grow]

The toy swap thing is a winner! We learned it by accident with the twins: one boy figured out that he could have any toy he wanted, as long as he threw a distraction into his brother's lap. The second boy just loved having new toys fall out of the sky all the time and was thrilled. They are 38 months now, and share pretty well with their sister (14 months). The best kicker for anything is huge positive attention for it... we're fans of both types of feedback, but I think overall, it is easy to forget to throw the praise on by the bucketfull.