we are family

By Rachel Ostlie

A hundred years ago, Baby Bunching was more the rule than the exception. If you were healthy enough to carry a baby, and your babies were healthy enough to survive, then two under two, or even three under three, was your lot.

A hundred years ago, there were no automatic washing machines, dishwashers, vacuum cleaners or even frozen vegetables. However, you did have family. Most people blessed with a bunch of babies had a mother, or a sister, or a cousin, who was readily available to lend a hand. Perhaps those with money even had a maid or a nanny.

The landscape today is rather different. Those of us with two babies in tow can quickly feel alienated and lonely. We don't “fit” with our current culture: with preschool schedules, baby gear, and even backseat carseat accommodations, which are structured around children spaced at the magical 2.5 year mark. Moreover, many of us are lacking that mother, sister, cousin (or maid or nanny) to help us through the pull-your-hair-out crazy times.

With my children's grandparents in Paraguay and Chile, an uncle in Albania, and aunts scattered throughout the midwestern States, I have had to take a creative approach to family. Because even though I have a dishwasher, a vacuum cleaner, and frozen vegetables, I know I still need family as well.

So here it is, my two-pronged strategy to Baby Bunching Sans Family:

1) Build up your pseudo-family. In the absence of family nearby, you must create a support structure. Take the time to establish close friendships with people who have your back, and you can cover theirs. This could be a retired next-door-neighbor. Or another family in your playgroup. Or a single gal from your church. Find ways to help each other, and make sure to spend time building your friendship as well. Invite the retired neighbor over for tea, and you might find out that she'd love to keep your spare house key (just in case you manage to get everyone and everything out the door except your purse). Exchange babysitting with the other family, and do summer cook-outs together. Go have some fun with your single girlfriend from church; down the road you could ask her to babysit while you go out for your wedding anniversary. There are so many other options- be creative! The only requirement is to find people around you who already feel like family, and then treat them like family (in the best sense of the word).

2) Cherish your far-flung family. Maybe you miss them like crazy. Or maybe your style is more along the lines of out of sight, out of mind. Either way, you need to cherish grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and involve them in your lives. Much of the same technology that has resulted in families living across the globe can also make a new closeness possible.

Examples and ideas:

- Call family up on the phone (speaker phone seems to work best with little ones) or video call through a program like Skype. You could even set a weekly appointment for “spending time” with family this way.
- Spend your money on travel, instead of that new deck. Give your kids a chance to visit their family, and reconnect with them in person. If skimping and saving still isn't getting you there, maybe the family member you are visiting will pitch in for the gas/tickets.
- Don't forget to bring your family into your kids' daily lives. When I was growing up overseas, my mom prominently displayed pictures of our grandparents, so we wouldn't forget them. My kids each have a board book with photos of grandparents, aunts, and uncles- – these books are favorites around here! Try www.blankslatebooks.com/ to make your own.
- Make story time a family time. Have a relative read a book aloud (on cassette, or recorded on their computer's microphone), then send the recording with the book for your children to enjoy.
- Keep a map up with everyone's location pinpointed, along with pictures to identify them. Older kids could do all kinds of geography, time-telling, and even math activities with a map like this.
- Have your older kids play board games or card games with their relatives online. Programs like Yahoo! Messenger allow you to voice chat and play classics like checkers or dominoes online with an opponent (and no possible interruptions by random strangers).

These ideas of my two-pronged strategy are all ones that I have done or seen done. But I would love to hear any from your end. How do you build up your pseudo-family? How do you help your children cherish their far-flung relatives? We aren't living one hundred years ago, so how do you do family with your bunch?

Rachel is a Baby Bunching mom of a 27-month-old girl who loves parties and a 12-month-old boy who loves adventure. She grew up in Colombia, and now lives in the Chicago area.

Comments

[mrs.notouching]

I have never appreciated my pseudo-family more than now... I am 33 weeks pregnant and trying to take care of a 15 month old. Two weeks ago I fell in the shower and am now on disability (the wheelchair and all that jazz). I have no idea how I would survive without people bringing me food and constantly coming over to watch me toddler. So much love I want to cry... well, that could be hormones, but still. Love my pseudo-family more than they will ever know.

[BeantownBunch]

We have worked really hard at building our pseudo-family. Unfortunately, we live in a transient town, so every year we loose someone near and dear to our hearts. On top of that, our neighborhood is "up and coming", so many families move out when it comes to their children starting school. So, we are continually faced with new challenges. It is definitely worth the investment though! Our pseudos have saved us in a pinch:)