yes, i have 4 kids under 5; no, i'm not crazy

By  Sharon M.

“Oh my!  You certainly have your hands full!”  a nice, elderly lady exclaims as I walk through the grocery store with my kids in tow.  My 4-year old daughter and 3-year old son are walking alongside the grocery cart touching everything on the shelf that catches their eye.  My 2 -year old whines from the baby seat of the cart, frustrated that he is not allowed to run around free like his siblings.  My newest addition is only 2 weeks old and is sleeping peacefully against my chest in the Snugli.

Everywhere I go with my 4 children, people tend to make comments about our “large” family.  At the very least, people always give us a second glance even when they do manage to hold back their comments of shock and amazement.  Apparently it is an uncommon sight in this modern world of dual-income families with 1.86 children.

Honestly, I have become accustomed to the stares and comments that inevitably follow my family wherever we go.  At times though I am puzzled by the very personal questions that accompany people's reactions.  The most common embarrassing question all around goes something like this, “You do know how babies are made right?”  The question is asked with a nervous laugh as though they are unsure if my response might actually lead to a discussion of how conception occurs.  Another common question is, “Are you planning to have more?!!”  This understandably makes me hesitate because a discussion of having more kids should be between a husband and wife...not a group of strangers! 

You might think that the majority of comments and questions would be directed towards me as the mother since my husband avoids going out with the children at all costs. And yet my husband is harassed quite a bit at work when he is asked about his family.  My poor spouse has gotten the most intrusive question of, “When are you going to get snipped?!!” on multiple occasions from people he barely knows.  

I understand that most of these inquisitive bystanders are completely unaware of the problems with their comments and questions.  They are truly just surprised to see a large family and they cannot help their knee-jerk reaction of saying exactly what is on their mind!  I have fallen victim to this speak-before-you-think reaction many times myself.  Even just recently I was surprised to find out that the principal of my daughter's school has 9 children.  I remember exclaiming, “Wow!” and later wishing I had given a less dumbfounded response.

Once strangers get over their initial surprise to our big family, they do tend to ask more in depth questions.  They want to know why we have chosen to reproduce beyond the standard 2 children.  I have a few different responses to this depending on my mood and the setting in which the question is asked.  If I feel comfortable enough to share my personal story with the person, I might tell them about how my first pregnancy was a miscarriage and that event led me to feel blessed for every pregnancy thereafter.  Or I might tell them about how baby number 3 was a complete surprise since I was breastfeeding my second baby and never even had a period before I was pregnant again.  If I am feeling uncomfortable, I might just give a quick, comical reply suggesting that I don't really know where these kids keep coming from!

In addition to the innocent, sometimes thoughtless remarks from bystanders, I have also been subjected to some very strong and purposeful criticism.  Much of this criticism has come from my own family.  My father has “recommended” that I get my tubes tied the next time I have a baby.  My father's cousin also challenged my decision to have a fourth child by saying, “Don't you feel like that is unfair to the children?  Don't you already have a hard time giving each of them the individual attention they need?”  Even my gynecologist (who has 4 children of his own!) gave me a lecture about limiting my family size.  He finished off my annual pap smear with, “Well, just keep breastfeeding so you hopefully will keep from getting pregnant again anytime soon.”  

Most of my older family members truly believe that I will go insane any day now.  They shake their heads at me and say over and over, “I don't know how you do it!  It's too much for one person.”  I will be the first to admit that it is not an easy task raising 4 kids under the age of 5.  There are challenges to maintaining my sanity every single day!  When the pizza has fallen on the floor, the kids are crying because “he hit me!” and there is a mysterious brown substance on the floor that everyone has stepped in...I feel like I should throw in the towel.  Dinner is usually the worst time of the day.  The kids are tired, cranky and unwilling to eat anything that resembles a healthy meal. 

Despite the craziness of having a multitude of kids under one roof, I have no regrets.  My husband and I are not perfect parents by any means but we believe we are providing a good life for our children.  We are healthy, well-educated and blessed with economic stability.  I left a well-paying job to be a stay-at-home mom.  I have worked very hard to devote myself to my family and make certain they do not feel neglected.  On the other hand, I dread the idea of having a rowdy, undisciplined group of kids so I do not hesitate to discipline when necessary.  Overall though, my kids are well-behaved compared to some 2-children families! 

I spend 24/7 with my children so I can't honestly say that I feel they are not getting enough attention.  They actually prefer to play with each other rather than spend time with mom!  I try to give them every opportunity I can by taking them to school, church, ballet, gymnastics, swimming, tennis and field trips galore.  My husband feels like I spoil them too much by taking them everywhere.  Personally I see it as a way to give them a well-rounded upbringing.

Other mothers I have talked with usually wish they had had more children.  I commonly hear them say, “If I were a little bit younger I might have had one more.”  I have a hard time imagining a mother saying that she regrets having too many children.  As any mom knows, once each child is a part of our lives, we can never imagine life without that sweet, precious soul.  Life just would not be the same without our children!

There was a time when having 4 small children wouldn't have drawn a crowd in the grocery store.  It certainly is not the normal size family today but I feel strongly that it shouldn't be viewed in a negative way.  Baby Bunching is not something I would recommend for everyone but it has worked fairly well for me.  I only wish our modern-day population would have a little more acceptance of larger families.  Speaking for myself and my husband, we would be very grateful if inquisitive people would refrain from asking questions pertaining to our private body parts or our sex life.  Allow me to recommend some more appropriate responses such as, “What a wonderful group of kids!” or “What a lovely family!”  This would make for a much more comfortable interaction for everyone!   

Sharon is a mother of four in Georgia and the author of What To Do When You Have Heart Disease, www.TheHeartDiseaseGuide.com

Comments

[Brandi]

My brother and sister in law just had their fourth baby a week ago and my oldest nephew is 4 1/2 and I have seen the looks people give my sister-in-law and heard the comments and I agree, people should mind their own business concerning the size of others families. I love their family and hope to join them by giving my two boys (2 and 5 months) a few more siblings of their own. It sounds like you are doing a great job and I agree, What a lovely family you have!

[Natasha]

Well I think it's wonderful! We are expecting our third this summer; my first two are bunched together and I truly believe siblings are a gift to each other. I am an only one & it made for a lonely childhood - there is such a thing as too much time spent with parents! I do think adding to the mix means we are a little crazy, as in this day & age, having less children is seen as the easier option by most folk, which is why I think they are compelled to comment; they just can't comprehend why we would make more work for ourselves. But once kids get older, they do start to entertain themselves, don't they. When I was struggling with one child, I used to be taken aback when I found out about larger families - now, it's just something we take in our stride. It's wonderful to have examples of families with 3,4,5 kids in our local community who show that having a larger family is a doable and enjoyable thing; it's also great to hear about it on the internet. May I also add that, as siblings make their own homegrown entertainment, you don't need to bow to extra-curricular pressure - my girls do dancing & swimming class, but right now they are having great fun (and learning life skills) playing with a huge bucket of Lego, and I don't see any need to make life more difficult for us all by dragging them from pillar to post too often.

[Renee]

oh i totally agree. in my case it's my family with the innapropriate questions. my mom keeps asking "when are you guys going to make it official" (as in, my husband getting snipped). and when i was pregnant with my son (he has two older sisters) my dad said "if this one isn't a boy, you aren't going to keep trying are you". uhhh WHAT?! first of all, that's some more of your buisness, and secondly we didn't have him just to "keep trying for a boy". what used to really irritate me was when i only had the first two and ppl would say "boy you've got your hands full". really? two kids is now considered a handfull? my grandma had 8 in the 60's and that was considered the norm (of course we're catholic so it was probably considered not enough lol). i think it's just hard for ppl to understand how we get so much joy out of our bunch, to them it's just a bunch of crying, fighting, pooping work. but to us, it's everything we've ever wanted. :D

[jean grow]

Thank you for such a well-balanced and positive piece! It is hard to be pleasant and stay positive when responding to people who think their beliefs should dictate your own family size. By Christmas we will have four under four, and for us that looks like enough... but if more support for large families was available, we would likely go closer to seven. The wonderful thing where we live is that I constantly run into women of all ages with 'larger' families, and more often than not (especially at our local Costco) the comments I collect are actual advice from women who had five or six children of their own... and the older ones are clearly being helped on their errands by loving adult children. When your kids want to be in your life as you get older, you know you must have done something right!

[Rachel O.]

Thanks for the great article, and keep up the good work with your just-right family!

[Amanda Too]

I love this post! And I needed the encouragement today. I am very obviously pregnant and I have two-year old twins. I am getting so tired of all the contraception-related comments from strangers! I have been tempted to retort, "We are just serving our country by reproducing. Who else is going to pay for your Social Security? You are welcome."

[adorman]

THANK YOU!!!!! I live in your world and get so tired of people (esp family) being so negative. I think MORE people should have more kids. It is fun :) And my kids are all well loved, thank you very much. I needed this article today.

[Fran]

I only have three boys right now -- all under 4 -- but people make comments to me all the time too. It grates on my nerves so badly. But reading this has given me some calm knowing that it is very common and we "larger" family Moms just try to grin and bear it. We want to try for 4 too, so I can only imagine how much worse it will be then.

[Michelle]

I think it's great. My kids are 20 months apart, we're going to get pregnant soon and we want 4-6 kids. Way to go! I do admire you for the spacing, but you're doing a great job.

[Tia]

Thank you so much for posting this. I am on my way to having 2 under 14 months and my biggest fear is worrying about what people will think of us. It's so much easier said than done to just ignore it. It's nice to know that other people not only do it, but do it well.

[Molly]

While it's certainly not for everyone, I always smile when I see a larger family. I don't really even consider 4 kids a big family, but maybe that's because I grew up in rural Wisconsin where there were lots of farm families and having 3 or 4 kids was pretty much the norm? I'd love more someday if my husband were open to the idea, although we'd have to go the adoption route with fertility and health issues on my part. Oh, and I also (constantly) get the "you've got your hands full" comments even with just my two.

[Stephanie Rollins]

Really, your family size is none of anyone's business--including your doctor.

[leo]

congratulations, its wonderful to hear that. agreed, it is none of anybody's business. I suspect -ve remarks come from jealous folks.

[Tubbah]

Thanks for such a great post!! I also have soon to be 4 kids under 5. Daughter 4.5, son 3 next week, son 18 months and im 7 weeks away from baby #4 (boy). I too cop all those remarks and questions, and like u, a lot of the nastyer remarks come from family. It's nobody's business but ur own as to how many kids u want/have or how u choose to raise ur kids. We'll be trying for number 5 in 4 years, much to our families disgrace hehehehe :D

Tubbah

[Chih]

I have questions rather than comments. My oldest one is starting kinder next week, follow by two younger sibling, age 3 and 21 month and I am pregnant with my 4th child. I am a full time stay at home mom and thinking about getting some helps with kids. Does anyone here gets help (hire someone or just family friends) or it's manageable DIY?

[Lauren]

Thank you so much for this! I just came across this during a google search. We have four, our oldest being four and a half. The comments we get are unreal. Thing is, they are so well behaved - the way people look at us you'd swear they were a bunch of orangoutangs. I have no regrets (even though one was a surprise and now high needs). I grew up with three other siblings and we have a great relationship today, I hope my kids are the same through growth, and life changes,

[Karoline]

I love this article. Thank-you for posting! I just found out I am pregnant again and this made me cry. This June I will be a Mom of 4 under 4! My kids are beautiful souls and I can't imagine life without them.
It's so true that you never hear an older woman say she wished she had less kids!

I'm still completly scared about how I'm going to handle this, but I feel so blessed and happy.

Brothers and sisters really are gifts to eachother. It's been amazing to see the closeness between my son and daughters. They have eachother for life now, hopefully long after my husband and I are gone. :)

[Veronica]

Oh, I happened upon your blog at the right time. Thank you! I just found out we will have our 4th in July -- and my eldest will turn 5 that same month.

I'm scared how I'm going to handle this, as this baby will be due two months after we're moving overseas. But, we will all survive. It's funny how part of me is petrified by the reaction of people thinking we're crazy, irresponsible, etc. What I know is that my little ones want for nothing and they know they are loved.

As the above blogger wrote, brothers and sisters are a gift to each other and they are indeed the ones who, God willing, will be together for the long haul. With the holidays approaching, I love imagining Thanksiving and Christmas 20+ years from now. Hopefully, we will all be surrounded by much love and joy!

[Amber Rivera]

Thank you so much for your encouraging post, I found out today that I am expecting my fourth child after my husband had an apparently unsuccessful vasectomy after our 3rd child was born 6 months ago I have 2 other children one 2 and one 4 I have already heard plenty of negitivity from family members, it's encouraging to read of other women goin through the same things. Thanks for your openness!!

[Elise]

Wow! What a blessing your post is, like everyone else I just found out I am pregnant with our fourth but unlike most our kids are even closer together the first three are 12months and 2 weeks apart and the fourth will be close to that. We did not "Plan" them but God did and that is good enough for me. We love them dearly and while my life is one crazy circus I would not trade it for the world. The only thing I am worried about is that my sis-in-law has been trying to get pregnant for over a year and so i am hoping if we wait to share the news about our fourth maybe they will have good news too. Anyone else have experience with that? Oh and I should mention she does already have three kids it's just really hard for her to get pregnant, any advice

[Daylene Wilkie]

I love this website stumbled upon it on google. I have been married to my husband for 4 1/2 years and we have 3 kids and 1 on the way...its alittle crazy to think about having 4 kids under the age of 4..but we love it. I found alot of friends with similar beliefs about families and children through my local MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers) I would recommend them to anyone! It's nice to meet new people and make friends between myself and 4 friends we have 20 kids!!!

[Ang]

So glad I found this site. I have a 4 yr old, 3 yr old, and 11 month old, and one on the way!!! I know we will until the end of time get these questions and looks. We too are thankfully not struggling economically. We are very blessed and were a bit shocked to find out about #4, but are ready for the new adventure. Children are a blessing and I being an only child am very excited to have a wonderful large family!! My kids are so lucky to have one another.

[Cdnkaro]

I just discovered this site, and I swear I could have written this post myself. I had 4 children under the age of four, and at the moment it's four under the age of 5, like yours. It's nice to see that other families go through the same stuff, and can relate to the challenges and joys unique to a large family. My site, in case you're curious: http://fourunder4plustwo.blogspot.com

[Maya]

I have been searching for encouragement. I have a 7 year old step-son, a two year old, 10month old twins, and the second set of twins are on the way. yes, that is 5 under 3. I'm not crazy I was on birth control it just seemed God had other plans. I get so many looks and comments with the four I have now. I'm sure it will get worse but glad to know I'm not alone!

[Lynda]

People can be so rude, the number of children you have is up to no one but you and your husband, they certainly aren't the ones footing your bills. We only have one child, that's what works for our family plus I had to have a hysterectomy, but I swear if it weren't for going to jail I'd love to slap the bejeezers out of some of these fools and their comments!!!!! You are a great mom:)

[Kristin]

my kids are 4, 3 2 and 6 months. the middle two are only 11 mths apart. we get the same thing all the time. esp when the kids are having off days. i feel most days like its more like having triplets and a baby. the younger of the three oldest grew up quicker and they are all about the same stage. life is def crazy and some days i want to rip my hair out, but i am convinced life will be sweet one day :)

[Angela]

I could have written this myself. :) I also have 4 kids. 3 boys, (ages 5.5, 4, 2) and a daughter 3 months. The boys are 19 months apart while the daughter came 25 months later. While I LOVE having a 'large' family, I do find that around dinner time, I want to lock myself outside. :) As crazy as it can get sometimes, I can't help but want to add a 5th to the mix. I already get so many judgmental comments from family and strangers that it really doesn't matter to me anymore. We raise our own kids, no one else. I wouldn't trade this life for anything! :) Thanks for this post.

[Zuly]

I'm a young mother of 4. They are 5,4,2, and 1. My eldest is mentally handicapped. I do get many stares, and super rude comments. It makes me want to kick some people in the neck, but of course I would never do such a thing. Ironically, the most judgmental people either have NO children, have several children out of wedlock with multiple partners, or dump off their own kids with other people every chance they get. One single mother, with no job, no education, and who is supported 100% by her mother had the audacity to tell me I should "get a job". When I announced my 4th pregnancy at a bbq a couple I didn't even know loudly remarked "STOP HAVING KIDS!" I also get the "Get your tubes tied" comments from relatives. People cannot seem to understand how challenging it is to raise a large family, or how rewarding and beautiful it can be. My children are my world. Everyone of them has brought so much positivity into our lives, and I couldn't imagine being any happier. They are loved, and cared for by both of their parents. I can't understand how people can be so negative. Perhaps they are jealous.

[Gary]

Ok everyone, stop whining like the hoards of kids you have.

The reality is that the people who complain and make rude comments are often right. Maybe not for the select list of ideal parents reading this blog, but for many, many unfortunate situations in our country girls are having babies too young, unmarried and too many. They use babies to get the love they never received from their parents.

If these parents of multiple children are on any type of state aide, then it is absolutely my business to tell them to knock it off. You only bring children into this world that YOU can afford; not ME affording them for you.

And maybe these comments are coming from people who know you better than you know yourself. You may THINK you're a good parent, but maybe you're not.
It's damn hard to give the love and attention a child needs when you have to give it too many kids. How many is the limit depends on the Mother and Father.

And yes, the father had better be in the picture. I you're bringing in multiple kids without two parents, then I'm going to speak up at you as well - BIRTH CONTROL!

For those two parent families who support their children with their own income and have the time to support, nurture and be thoroughly involved in the lives of 4 or more kids; more power to you!

For the rest of you - STOP HAVING KIDS!

Gary - Father of 4

[Dmommazoo]

Thank you for your post, it is a nice reminder that bigger families exist out there. We are expecting number 4 this November and my eldest is tuning 5 next month. Although all of our children were planned we have definitely run into people that think we are destroying the planet. My fathers response was, "I should disown you, you already have too many." He sort of said it jokingly but he is constantly bothering my husband about, "getting that taken care of." His reaction hurt, I had been dreading telling him. The rest of our family is very supportive. I also had one stranger come up to me in a restaraunt and say "you know they all go to college right?" In the suburb I live in there are a lot of bigger family's but we don't know any of them; I guess we should start a support group.

[Adrian OBrien]

This literally looks like a snippet of my day. I've heard them all and I started a game I call 'Helpful Stranger Bingo'. I keep meaning to get a prize for the comment that makes five-in-a-row, but I keep forgetting. Still... this was a good read even 6 years later.

[Mai Johnson]

Hi... I was smiling reading your blog. I have 4 kids too, just a year apart, my first and second child just turn 4 and 3 last May, the 3rd one will be 2 in August and a 6 months old baby. I came from Philippines, so no family support near us. I'm also getting a lot of questions from people everywhere asking if I want more children, I always answer "Yes!". I don't care about how they feel, sometimes they rude! I think its nice to have more children, so they have a playmate and support each other. My OB wants my tube tied up after my delivery, but I refuse. I don't think fertility is a problem, its actually a blessing. There's so many women out there praying to have a baby, and we are so blessed that we get pregnant that easy. I agree with Dmommazoo, hopefully we can start a support group.