By Natasha Standen, Mutterings of a Mother
My bunch are practically grown now (well - 5 and 3.5 years old!) I gave up my full-time job after the birth of my first child and I've (mostly) loved being at home. Our family see it as a positive decision. I think I'm lucky I've had the opportunity. But a friend of mine said to me the other day that it isn't anything to do with luck - that she and her family have chosen to cut their income by more than half, going without financially, in order for her to be a 'stay at home' Mom. Which got me thinking - is it really a choice?
It's a contentious point for any mother, often because of what other mothers say about it. For Baby Bunchers, the issues may be more specific. Dealing with a baby and a toddler (or more!) can be extremely draining - I know quite a few moms who have appreciated an 'escape' to part-time work in this phase. Others don't want to contemplate having to deal with the workplace when they wake up exhausted every day. Single parents, or those in a family with no other income, don't usually get to choose. Some moms work from home, which presents its own challenges.
If I had returned to work, I'd have been back only a month or two before announcing I was pregnant with my second child. I doubt my employer would have been overjoyed. Some people I know with more than one child say there is no point in them going back to work as whatever they earn will go on childcare. Others say they need the money to support their lifestyle. Others want their children to see that they have a work ethic, or that women can have children and do paid work. Employment can provide an identity outside of the childcare role which many women don't want to do without. Many women, like myself, thrive on the role they have as an at-home mom, much to the confusion of some of their peers.
I remember my last attempt at freelance work vividly. I had been up in the night with a sick child, before leaving at 6 a.m. for a 3-hour drive to conduct on-site interviews with 9 vulnerable families over a couple of days. Cared for by Daddy and Grandma, my 3-year old was in good hands, so rather than let other families down, I continued with the paid work. On my return (after another long drive), I walked in to see everyone at the dinner table, picking up my 18-month-old for a cuddle, who promptly covered me in vomit. I was up all of the next night. I have not pursued any further paid work since that time!
My 5-year old is now in the equivalent of kindergarten, my nearly-4 year old at pre-school 12 hours a week. Much of my time without them is spent studying for a qualification which will be a stepping stone to a different career - in the future. I also help run a church group for under-5s, with the kid/s in tow. So I'm still at home, and happy. And in the summer we will welcome a new baby. It works for us. But tell me - is it really something moms can choose, especially for those with children spaced closer together? What do other Baby Bunchers think?
Natasha Standen is a 34-year old stay-at-home mom & church volunteer. She lives in Nottinghamshire, UK. Mother to 5 year old and nearly 4 year old girls, 19 months apart.
I will (soon) have 2 children just over 2 years apart, so not quite "bunching" but pretty close. I work full time outside the home, and plan to continue this once my maternity leave is over. One thing you forget to mention among the many reasons to work outside the home is that I really love my job. Not just because my kids will see me outside the home, or because it gives me a break from being "mommy" but because my job fulfills me in a way that my husband and children can't. I have a good balance, and I wouldn't want to give that up.
Posted by: Jenny N | Mar 22, 2010 at 02:19 PM
I am having the to work or not to work dilemma at the moment. My son is 9 months old and my 2nd is due in July. Having only recently returned to work part-time (pregnant) I have to say that I do quite enjoy having some time away from the home even if I do moan about working. It does help you appreciate the time you do have at home. The biggest issue I find with working is balancing everything that needs to be done at home with spending time with your child and working. When the 2nd comes along I have the option to return to work 3 days a week (the same as now). My main reason for working is financial. We really need to move home and if I decided to give up work that wouldn't be an option. We could afford for me to stay at home but it would mean sacrificing on the things that are important to us like moving house so we have a garden for our kids. I do worry about how I'll cope with it all when our little girl joins the family in July but long-term staying in employment seems like the better option even if childcare cripples us in the short-term. It is a very difficult decision to make and the answer is different for everyone depending on their circumstances. I quite enjoy my work and my son seems to have gained a lot from going to nursery a couple of days a week. I'll have to see if I have the energy for it all next year but so far working seems like a good idea.
Posted by: Clare D | Mar 22, 2010 at 04:06 PM
I'm not sure if it's a choice, really. My kids are 1, 3 & 5 (all about 22 months apart) and our family would fall into the category of it not being worth it once we'd pay for daycare/nanny, another car (right now we only have/need 1), gas and car insurance and the big one TIME. not to mention, I was a receptionist before I was a SAHM so it's not like I had a high-powered career that I really enjoyed and made me feel fulfilled. For me, THIS is my career and I LOVE it. It's obviously stressfull and can get to be too much at times, but my husband is AMAZING and knows when I need a break. It was something we decided when I got pregnant with our oldest. We just wanted to keep one of us at home at all times. It does take some financial frugalness though. But to be honest, we've never really noticed other than not getting a vacation (which we are FINALLY taking this summer). For us, it's worth it and we really can't imagine it being any other way. :)
Posted by: Renee | Mar 22, 2010 at 04:45 PM
My girls are 20 months apart and now 2 1/2 and 11 months. My husband is a student and works and goes to school at the same time. Money is really tight--I'll be honest about that. I have finished college and could get a good paying job. But my husband and I both feel very strongly about me being a stay-at-home mom, so I am. Are there days when I wish I could escape? Or days when I don't feel validated because all I've accomplished are diaper changes? Yes. But most of the days, I'm grateful that we're teaching our children the value of staying-at-home motherhood, hard work, gender roles and frugalness. Not to mention, I get to enjoy those sweet moments with my girls every day. I love it!
Posted by: Michelle | Mar 22, 2010 at 09:11 PM
This is one of my favorite topics because I've been trying to find the perfect balance/answer to this question since my oldest was born six years ago. I am lucky enough to have a job in the non-profit sector that I absolutely LOVE and is meaningful to me and others. We purposefully made some financial decisions (smaller house, older cars) that would allow me to not HAVE to go back full-time after oldest was born. Since then, I have worked anywhere from 10 to 30 hours a week, with the exception of two six-month stints of no working after my second and third were born. During which I almost went insane.
Among some of the reasons you mentioned, I work for two reasons you didn't mention: 1) I am a chronic joiner/volunteer, so if I weren't working, I'd be volunteering and doing the same work for free and 2) I confess that I get some sort of weird validation from the paycheck. Even if it does only shake out to 50 cents an hour after taxes and childcare.
I am sooooo lucky that hubby supports me whatever I do and honestly, I have not worked too hard to crunch the numbers because I am worried that after childcare expenses, I will have to confess to him that it is actually COSTING us money for me to work.
In the meantime, I have started my own company and am using this time while the kids are young and I didn't really want to work full-time anyway to build/ramp up the company so that when my youngest enters kindergarten, I can have it built up full-steam (ideally about 35 hours a week).
Having said all that, it is stressful to balance it all and be responsive enough to my clients that they have the impression that I am working full time and I appear professional at all times. And my kids frequently get the short end of the stick when I am trying to do that, which I hate. I am actually insanely jealous of my girlfriends that are happy to stay home and focus on being at home and are 100% fulfilled by being at home. It would make my life (and my family's) a hell of a lot easier if I were wired that way.
Posted by: Cara Fox | Mar 22, 2010 at 09:39 PM
God, to I understand this would be the new secret to the universe! I don't have too much of a choice financially, although I know we could if we HAD to so... but I just posted a big choice I mad about this in my every day world. Sometimes life is just to crazy, and work had to take a back seat.
Posted by: Becky | Mar 22, 2010 at 10:50 PM
I am a full time working Mom of a bunch of 3. For me, it's not a choice--I would love to be home w/my kids full time or maybe work super part time. I am the main breadwinner in the family, and we've already cut every corner we can financially-- we simply could not afford to pay our bills if I didn't work. My husband works full time but on a rotating shift schedule, so he is able to provide most of our childcare and I am lucky to have family helping on the other days. Every family situation is different. I wish every family really could make the choice to have a parent stay home full time. There are also benefits to having your kids see their parents/Moms working, etc.
Posted by: Cori | Mar 23, 2010 at 09:09 AM
I'm one of what seems to be quite a rare group, a mum who chooses to work full time. We could have organized our lives so that I stayed home, but this was not something i ever considered. I love my career. I want to continue in it and be successful. I have great daycare for my bunch(now 2 and 4), and though it isn't cheap our joint income is still more than if one of stayed home, and most important of all, I have a husband who sees my career as equally important to his.
Life is busy, I am split into two, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
There is no right choice, there is only the choice that is right for you, and to be in the position to be able to choose is a real privelidge.
I do feel that there is pressure on women (and not at all on men) that if they "can afford" to stay home, they ought to, and I'd like to see this change as it creates unnecessary guilt for women like me!
Great topic
Posted by: geekymummy | Mar 23, 2010 at 02:35 PM