solo ops 201: surviving a deployment

(Editor's note: While this post is about an extended military deployment, Michelle's tips for making it through really apply to any short-term or long-term absence of a spouse.)

By Michelle Routhier, Manaical Musings on Motherhood

In the military, any business trip is called a TDY (temporary duty).  My husband's job has always had him TDY alot.  During our first year of parenthood, he took 11 business trips, totaling about 60 days give or take of our older son's first year of life.  His first trip left me alone with a 7 week old in a foreign country, and I was scared to death.  Soon, I developed my own routines of how I would manage  when he was gone.  I relied heavily on frozen food and mac-n-cheese and seldom showered.  My husband's current TDY took him to Afghanistan for approximately 200 days, not counting the 4 weeks of training he was TDY before he left for Afghanistan.  It was pretty clear that I couldn't live from the beginning of October to the end of May on chips and salsa and frozen food.  I am not yet at the half-way point of the deployment, but still picked up a few pointers.
 
1. Simplify Your Routine--If you normally read your toddler 5 books, sing certain songs, and ensure he/she is tucked into bed following a precise routine, you'll probably want to start thinking about what you can change.  You need the routine simple for two reasons: you might not have time to do all the steps while your baby is screaming or you might need a mother's helper to put the toddler to bed, and the fewer steps to teach, the better.  If the holidays come up during the deployment, you might want to simplify your celebrations.  It makes sense to decorate your house, but you don't need to use every decoration or go all out.  For me,  decided to skip a 1000 mile trip to visit family as my bunch does not travel well when there are 2 adults and 2 children, and I knew travelling alone would leave me more stressed and missing my husband more.
 
2.  Prepare Your Troops--Both of my boys were non-verbal when my husband left, so most of our preparation was visual.  I videotaped my husband reading several of my toddler's favorite books.  He now often points to the computer and asks "more Daddy?" meaning he wants to watch one of these video clips.  I also play the video clips for the baby while he sits in the highchair.  www.militaryonesource.com has a multitude of FREE deployment resources, and the best one for the preschool set is a Sesame Street DVD where Elmo's Daddy deploys.  For about a month, my toddler requested that video several times a day.  You can buy a stuffed "Daddy doll" with a picture of Daddy in uniform at this website:
https://www.hugahero.com/  You can even buy a voice recorder for the dolls, so your husband can record a special message for your bunch.  I got my boys their own Daddy doll, so they can keep him in their crib.  You can also make a personalized board book at:  http://mycustomstory.com/shop/storylines.  I'll admit that I was too sad to write the storyline for it, so I sent in pictures I wanted to have in the book and a general idea about Daddy going to Afghanistan and returning home safely and they wrote the story for me.
 
3.  Ask for Help or Buy the Help You Need--I was very specific when telling people what would help me most.  I had lots of offers to baby-sit, but my younger son does not take a bottle, and my older son does not do well in unfamiliar settings, so babysitting actually causes me more stress.  The help I need is meal delivery as I have a hard time finding time to cook.  It became obvious during my husband's training that people could occasionally bring me meals, but I would need to have a more regular plan, so I hired a mother's helper to come around dinner time.  It gives me an extra set of hands so I can throw a quick dinner together and she sticks around to help me put the boys to bed.  Initially, I felt bad spending the money, but without that regular help, I would have lost my sanity weeks ago.
 
4.  Take Pictures and Videos--Your days will sometimes drag on and other times fly by.  You will spend your days changing diapers, feeding, cleaning up, more diapers, and chasing, and during all that monotony your bunch will continue to grow.  You'll want to record your days for your husband who will be missing lots of milestones and changes, but for yourself too as you will be elbow deep IN raising your bunch and won't see the subtle changes or will be likely to forget.

Michelle is the mother of 2 boys, 19 months apart in age (2 years old and almost 1 year old).  Her husband's job in the U.S. Air Force has taken the family to Florida, the United Kingdom, and now Alabama.  To read more about her thoughts on baby bunching, deployments, special needs parenting, visit: http://routhierfam.blogspot.com/

Comments

[Kathleen]

This is all so true even for shorter trips. My husband is a pilot and gone a lot of weeknights. I try to at least take a picture of our 13mo during dinner and email it to him - helps both of us feel more connected.

[jenna]

thank you. my husband travels two weeks at a time for business and I've definitely found the need to ask for help. I give a standing ovation to all military wives and single mamas.

[Michelle]

Since writing this post, my huband and I have found a great way to connect through the distance of a deployment. Every night before bed, he watches an episode of a TV series. I watch the same episode before my bed 12 hours later, and we e-mail each other our thought on what we watched. It ensures that we both take at least 50 minutes to ourselves each night and gives us a common experience.

[Nellie]

We are at the half way point in our deployment. My boys have seriously enjoyed their "kisses from daddy". We have two jars and they were filled with 191 Hershey kisses (each). Every day they get a kiss and it really helps for those moments when I just can't seem to console them for one reason or another.

[Heather]

What a great post! Thank you. My husband travels a lot. I wish I had read your post about 16 months ago when, as a new mother, I thought I was going to lose my mind caring for our baby by myself. These tips are great and I look forward to checking out your blog. Good luck to you, and hugs to you and all the military mommies and daddies out there!

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