writing from the land of compromise . . .

By Rachel Ostlie

In my life before children – the life where both my husband and I had good jobs and grad degrees (well, for him, almost) – I envisioned that in our family the work load would fall 50-50. Or at least 60-40. Since I am an adult educator, my work schedule is fairly flexible and we figured I could work a couple nights a week, or maybe a day on the weekend, while my husband (Papi) would care for our future children.

Fast-forward three years and two babies later, and I am living in the land of compromise. A land where short-term goals are sacrificed on the altar of long-term goals. A land where childcare and house duties are more like 85-15, if that. A land that holds, while not bliss, at least contentment.

How does one arrive at such a land? I'll give a few suggestions, though I'm sure it's different for each family.

1. Discuss goals.While we had agreed that my career might need to slow down a little with kids, my husband and I hadn't factored in our other goals: A) his desire to finish his education, and B) our desire to move overseas in a few years. Goal A has to come before Goal B. And taking care of a toddler and an infant does not merge very well with Goal A. The end result was that my career reeeeealy slowed down to the point where I'm mostly doing volunteer work.

2. Constantly revise the plan.The goal discussion might have to happen on a weekly basis. Not just long-term big-picture goals, but maybe little things as well. For a time, there was a lot of tension in our family because my desire for us to have a family dinner was playing second-fiddle to Papi's work schedule. A compromise had to be reached on when he would be home, how late we'd wait for him, etc. Similar on-going discussions related to other things that are priority for us: our children's spiritual lives, raising them bilingually, and connectivity with our far-flung families (to name a few), have required that we constantly revise our plans.

3. Get creative. Maybe a family dinner isn't feasible but a family breakfast is. Maybe the language/skill/tradition will come in the form of lessons when your kid is older.

4. Be forgiving. Be forgiving to your children, who did not choose to be born to this family. Or to be born so close together. Be forgiving to the strangers who criticize your decisions. Be forgiving to your husband, who is his own person with his own ideas and struggles. And be forgiving to yourself. After all, you're doing the best you can.

That said, welcome to the Land of Compromise.

Rachel is a Baby Bunching mom of a 24-month-old girl and a 8-month-old boy. She lives in the Chicago area.

Comments

[Amanda]

Very true! Compromise and communication is what has made this buncher a happy and contended mama :)

[Natalie]

My house isn't as clean as I'd like it, and I don't do as many of the projects I dream of as I'd like, but yes... compromise makes things so much more peaceful!

I keep reminding myself, this is a season... and a beautiful one. :)

[sierra]

I so agree. Forgiveness and compromise are key to making it thru the early bunching years. We have actually adopted the family breakfast and made it a way for us to continue entertaining friends and family now that dinner parties are - ha - no party. Since we are really social and my family is near by, using brunch to entertain and keep in touch really helped lower the stress level.
http://sierrarix.blogspot.com/2010/02/cooking-confessions-brunch-with-my.html

[angie]

Well said! I second that learning to ignore your critical friends and "supermom's" is a must also. What works for your family might not work for others and you need to be ok with that!

[Casey]

Great post. Being forgiving of the kids for being so close in age is a big one for me. Some days I just want them to GET ALONG FOR ONCE IN THEIR LIVES but I know deep down it's their age.