disclipline and the baby buncher

Effectively and appropriately disciplining children is something that all parents of children of all ages struggle with. But Baby Bunching adds another dimension to discipline. This is because for most of us, just about the time our oldest child is entering toddlerhood and testing the waters of independence with first forays into willful disobedience, another baby joins the family.  

If you're one of the lucky ones and the Big of your Bunch is the compliant one, discipline may not be as big of a deal. But God help the Baby Buncher with the misfortune to have a Strong-Willed Child entering toddlerhood just as an infant with reflux arrives on the scene (yes, there are autobiographical components to this post). Disciplining your Bunch once they're older is worth a whole 'nother post, but today we're going to focus on those very early days.  

I've always found young toddler discipline to be the most difficult stage because they're just starting to recognize what it means to be intentionally naughty, but they're not really old enough to appreciate the full impact of time-out and are certainly too young for either physical punishment or withholding privileges.  That pretty much leaves only one discipline tactic in your arsenal - repeated redirection.

Repeated redirection is great, but it requires time (like 100 times in a row) and laser focus (don't take your eyes off the offender for one second or they will sneak past you and you'll lose your edge of consistent enforcement).  This is very, very difficult to do when you are A) trying to accomplish any other task of some sort, B) out in public and trying to keep your child(ren) safe, and C) wearing another child in a pouch on your chest or (even worse) using your chest to feed said child while his his brother runs amok.  It really puts the poor Baby Buncher at a disadvantage.

While being a Baby Buncher is certainly not an excuse to have ill-behaved, ill-mannered children, I will say that I believe that discipline is sometimes one of those areas where a Buncher has to cut herself some slack (like keeping the house spotless or cooking a gourmet meal every night).  I promise you that you will find yourself, on some occasion, physically unable to stop and discipline a child properly and the way you know it should be done.  This is because you have two (or more) very small children.  So handle it as best you can in the moment and move on.

I wish I could say after three children that I have discovered the magic bullet for discipline, but I can't. What I can do is offer a few suggestions that worked for me as a Baby Buncher (or that I wish I'd tried in hindsight) and hope that some of the discipline mavens out there will chime in with their two cents.

--Consistency (whenever possible) is always key. This is probably THE most important thing you can do at this age but the most difficult one to follow through on time and time again. Obviously, if you allow Big to stand on the coffee table while you're nursing, but not other times, it will send a mixed message. At least do your best to gesture or use a firm voice if you can't physically get up and let him know that the behavior is always unacceptable, even if you aren't able to immediately physically re-direct.

--Choose your battles. Yes, some behaviors (like throwing food on the floor) are messy, annoying, and attention-seeking.  Certainly it's not ok to let this slide all the time.  But if Baby is screaming from starvation and has poopy pants and Big flings his bowl of goldfish across the floor, use a firm voice to express disapproval and let it go.  Later, when things have calmed down, you can make him help you clean it up.  If he hasn't stomped all the goldfish into a fine powder in the crevices of your kitchen floor by then.

--Consider cutting your losses. Sometimes leaving the scene of the crime is as much for your sanity as it is your child's consequence.  If you're at the playground and Big keeps being mean to other children and refuses to respond after a few attempts at redirection, you might consider packing up and leaving.  Now I know that you have carefully timed this outing between the 6 naps and 12 meals a day that you facilitate and you haven't had any adult contact in 3 weeks, but is it worth it?  You decide.  If it is, then props to you. Stay and find a way to remove Big from the temptation.  But if you have to leave 15 minutes into an outing, don't beat yourself up.  Do whatever you can to preserve your own sanity.

--Safety issues are never negotiable and must be dealt with IMMEDIATELY, at all costs. My (older) three-year-old once gave a naughty glance in my direction as I was pushing his brother in the stroller, then darted as fast as he could (a good many yards) into the street during rush hour.  By some miracle of God, he made it and it's a shock I wasn't Froggerized too, because I pushed the stroller to the side and ran into the street after him without even looking. Had there not been a flock of people watching by this point, I probably would've spanked the crap out of him, he scared me so bad (and he knew better by this age). Instead, I grabbed him by the hand, griped him out all the way back to the car, and packed him up to leave the ice cream social we were attending immediately even though no one had had any ice cream yet.

--When at a loss for logical consequences, enlist outside perspective.  After the street incident, I called my mom crying on the way home because I had NO idea how to get across to him how naughty that behavior was. I was also so incredibly frustrated and overwhelmed by our seeming inability to ever take a normal, positive outing without him acting up. My mom suggested that I throw his Lovey on the driveway and run it over to show him what happens to things when they get hit by cars. Harsh, yeah.  But something I never would've come up with on my own, and for a visual little guy like him, was certainly effective (just FYI, I ended up using a wagon, not my van). 

Comments

[Jen]

Love this! I didn't know that Lovey had been run over...I love the idea and may have to file it away for later use if necessary!

[Carrie]

This was amazing. Thanks for the advice!

[royann]

This is the most well timed entry I have read yet. My youngest is 2 months, and my oldest will be 17 months next week. We moved last week, my house is a mess and my toddler is testing me at every turn, especially when he knows I can't reach him. Climbing on furniture, pulling on blinds and playing with the trash can are the current favorites. I just try to survive.

[Mamameah]

AMEN!!!!! And when none of your friends are experiencing the same frustration factors it makes you (well me anyway) wonder what the heck I'm doing wrong.

My oldest was/is the strong willed one as well and nothing we tried worked with her. I now know what it's like to raise an "average" child and am amazed how well he listens and responds to discipline (unlike his sister!).

Ahhhh, I once again wish I had found this site 2 years ago, would have loved to have a "bunching" convention...without the kids there though :o

[jesspond]

Seriously. My kids are insane.

BUT.

I think that because they are close together I am actually much, much, much less tolerant of crazy behavior. We are STRICT with them. And for the most part it works. Sure, the one spends most of her days in time outs, but whatever. And, additionally, we do spank for approprate crimes. And I'd have SO spanked if they ran into the street/parkinglot. If nothing else to make them understand that that's a danger of HURT since they can't understand that any other way.

[Kimberley Kramer]

I am so happy to have found this blog! My boys are 24 and 8 months and the rock star is beginning to test limits and is throwing food on the floor,and running into the street too! We put a hook on the stroller that he loves to hold on to, so that has helped.
Advice needed: every time we go to church rock star lasts about 15 minutes before he has a complete meltdown and has to be taken out. The problem is he dosen't want to be seperated from mom or dad and just cries even louder...should we go to seperate services for a while, or do we just deal with the tantrums so he gets used to going?

[sierra]

My brother was a runner and my mom showed him a squirrel that had been run over in an attempt to show him the consequences of his actions.

Unfortunately he just thought it was cool. Very very cool.

Upside, he is now in med school. So while he doesn't run into the road anymore, he still finds stuff like that cool.

Boys.

[Baby Bunching]

See what an affect it had on him! Your mom should be proud. He doesnt run into the road anymore, but he totally gets what it means and fixes those who do (or whose moms didnt show them what it meant to get pancaked!)

[Baby Bunching]

Kimberley - Tough call there, but we did a post on this awhile back at http://www.babybunching.com/baby_bunching/2009/06/baby-bunching-battles-church.html  and a few of the commentors had good suggestions.  Good luck!

[jenni]

I would just add that you absolutely always have to follow through. If you say you are taking a toy away if the toddler continues throwing it, you better take it away. And if you tell you kid they get a time out for hitting, you have to drop everything and time them out every.single.time. If you don't follow through, they'll steamroll you, especially if you have a nursling hanging off your boob 12 hours a day.

[Baby Bunching]

Jenni--Yes, you are SO very right on this. Yes, always, always follow through. Or in my world, I think REALLY hard about my threats before I make them. Taking away a DVD is as much for me as for them. :-)

[WalshCorinne29]

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[Michelle young]

I love this post! I recently took the TV away for a month in an effort to regain control. It worked, but I've also noticed some other trigers that add to buncher's frustration... Once I test it for a few weeks I'll report back ;)