Mom Blog and Baby Blog | Baby Bunching

outnumbered

A few years ago long before my third son was born, I remember chatting one weekend with a very dear friend and her husband, who also had two children, when the subject of family size came up.  I always knew I would have 3 kids and honestly pictured myself with 4.  I was also apparently picturing myself with a different husband since I now know there is NO WAY my husband will consent to reproducing again. 

Likewise, my friend's DH was (and still is) adamantly opposed to having more than two children and I asked him why.  I remember him telling me that he wanted to have "enough" to parent all of the children adequately - and in his mind, even more important than enough money was enough TIME.  I scoffed at the notion, truly feeling like the heart and the hours in the day expand to accommodate however many children are in need of your attention.

Enter Baby #3, who is kicking my scoffing ass on a daily basis.  It' s not so much HIM as it is the addition of another child.  In my head, I thought that as my Bunch got older they would get easier - and they have in some ways.  But the fact remains that there are 3 of them and 1 of me.  And while my husband is very hands-on when he IS home, he works very long hours and during the week, he is not home much.  Which means that I am way, way outnumbered.

When my Bunch was tiny, they were demanding because someone always needed to be fed, changed, napped, bathed, rocked, and on and on.  There were pressing physical needs that kept me hopping all day long.  Now that they are older (5 and 4), they have pressing needs of a different kind. 

The oldest has started kindergarten and while he's gone all day, he returns home with homework and a desire to continue participating in structured activities (practicing his writing, doing science experiments, making art projects, etc.).  I'm not complaining and I LOVE his thirst for learning, but it is hard for me to facilitate impromptu homeschooling with his brothers hanging off the side.  And seriously, I tip my hat to those who homeschool for real - you go, girls.  I do the best I can to provide fun and educational activities for him, but I regret that I don't have more time to spend focused, one-on-one time really digging into these activities with him.

My middle son is happy to play cars or color most of the day after preschool, but has classic Middle Child Syndrome, which means that he is constantly seeking attention in some form or fashion and wants to be applauded for every small achievement.  In case you're wondering, these do not yet include getting dressed by himself, putting his own shoes on, washing his hands after using the restroom without being told, buckling himself into his booster seat in the car, and so on.  I'll admit that I've babied him a little because, frankly, it was always easier and faster to do it myself than wait for him.  Lazy parenting on my part and now I'm paying the piper.  He'll turn out just fine, I know, but I regret that my divided attention has made him feel like he always has to be clambering for it.

And of course, we have the baby.  Always needing to be fed, changed, napped, bathed, rocked, AND kept from being pummeled by his brothers.  Safety is a far greater concern with him than it was with my Bunch at this age because there are now tons of his brother's tiny age-inappropriate toys all over my house.  Also, he is always trying to keep up with them which means if he sees them walking down the stairs, he will try to walk too, regardless of his actual abilities.  He does just great with his brothers as playmates, but I regret that I don't have more time to slow my pace with him and shower him with attention in the form of long walks in the stroller or Gymboree classes, like I did with his oldest brother.

Family size, like most things parenting-related, is such a personal issue.  What rolls right off the backs of some moms may make others crazy.  What is considered high-maintenance child behavior in one home may be the norm in another.  And what is considered plenty of quality time to spend with each child in one home may be woefully inadequate in another.  I do believe that God's hand guides us and we all end up with the family we were meant to have.  But for my part, I'm thinking this is "enough".

product review: tide stain release

Let me preface this post by saying that we at Baby Bunching were not compensated by Proctor & Gamble to review this product, although it would've been kind of cool if we had been. But not really.  I reviewed a product that someone gave me once and it totally sucked, but since they were kind enough to give it to me, I felt compelled to say nice things about it. 

After that, I swore I would never review free stuff (or get paid to review) again.  Baby Bunchers have enough on their hands - I don't want to be the one to lead you astray by directing you towards a crappy product because of my guilt complex.

And I have to say, given the recently released FTC regulations re: disclosure of endorsements, I am even happier that I don't mess with product reviews (although I do think the regulations are total bull*%^t because print media isn't exactly held to the same standards).

All that aside, every once in awhile I come across a product that is so awesome that I feel compelled to share it with you.  New Tide Stain Release is such a product.  I don't know about you, but EVERY SINGLE DAY some member of my Bunch craps up their clothing with either food, dirt, poop, or art supplies.  I do at least one load of laundry a day because there is a running pile of stuff on top of my washer that has to be washed TODAY, lest the stain set in (even over SprayNWash) in the hamper before I get around to washing it.

I've never been one to put much stock in brand loyalty when it comes to laundry detergent or stain removers.  I buy whatever is on sale or I have a coupon for, and have never really noticed a difference between one product over another, save for the fact that I do have my preferred scents.  A few weeks ago I received a free sample of Tide Stain Release with a Gymboree purchase.  I had zero expectations for it, but tossed it in the washer with a load of stained baby clothes and dingy socks one day, mainly because I was de-cluttering the laundry room and wanted it out of my house and felt bad just throwing it away.  Damned if those clothes didn't come out stain-free and the socks whiter than white!  It worked so awesomely that I rushed right out to buy a bag (bonus: they were on sale AND I had a coupon that came with my free sample) and I have been hooked ever since. 

I'm sure my kids will find a way to thwart the Stain Release eventually, but so far, I have not done one single load that hasn't come out with the stains removed.  Yay for Tide! 

a love letter to baby bunchers

Ok, girls - SOOOO excited because I have just returned from Blogalicious 2009 in Atlanta, held this weekend and organized by the fabulous Mamas over at Mama Law.  These girls deserve MAJOR props for putting together such a first-class event in its inaugural year.

I had the privilege of meeting some old Baby Bunching friends in the blogosphere - Kim Modolfsky, Devra Renner from Parentopia, Justice Fergie (conference organizer extraordinaire and fellow Baby Buncher), and Tech Saavy Mama - as well as hearing from some new ones that we will be stalking following (My Brown Baby, She Geeks, Always a Bridesmaid, Mommy Niri, Cutie Booty Cakes, and so many more!).  What an amazing weekend of learning and networking.  Thanks, Mamas!

However, the definite highlight of the weekend was meeting one of our own Baby Bunchers, A Shorter Mama, who enthusiastically dashed up to me after I asked a question in one of the sessions to let me know that she reads all our posts and is a huge fan!  My friend IRL who attended the conference with me, Jen, told me that the moment left her feeling a little like Gayle to my Oprah - LOL.  I LOVE hearing from Baby Bunchers that they love our site and find the information useful, but somehow meeting this new friend live and in person really made me realize what an amazing community we have here.  We are so lucky to have such great followers!

I could go on and on about the conference and what I learned (and you'll probably hear more from me in coming weeks, or check out the conference twitter feed at #blogalicious09) but my single biggest takeaway from the conference was that I need to do a better job of loving you like you love us.  Don't get me wrong - any Baby Buncher, by virtue of the parenting challenges she has endured, is my soul sister as far as I'm concerned.  But between my job, my kids, my blogging, and whatever else is going on in my life at the moment, I can never find time to respond to all your amazing comments or read all of your fabulous blogs.  Let me just say right now that it is NOT because I don't love you.  It's just because I need about 24 more hours in the day, which I know you could use as well.  But Blogalicious really taught me about the significance of Web 2.0 being an INTERACTIVE community.  Which means that in order for it to work and grow and thrive, we have to have constant two-way conversation.  So my new personal goal is to do a better job of reading and recognizing and encouraging YOU to join in on our Baby Bunching conversation.  You can do it by leaving comments, by joining our Facebook fan page, or by following Linda (@babybuncher) and me (@babybuncher2) on Twitter.  In return, we will comment, friend, and follow you. Also, if you are interested in guest blogging for us or having you guest blog for you,  or if you have an idea for a post topic or a question you'd like us to pose to the community, please let us know - you can email us at [email protected]

When we started this blog, it was honestly because we had a great idea for a book and publishers were telling us that we had no "platform," meaning a following.  We wanted to get the information in the book out there so that Baby Bunchers could learn from it and know that they weren't alone.  We started the blog to build the platform and somehow along the line, the blog became enough and the book fell by the wayside.  We ARE getting the information out there and we ARE making moms feel supported, and we have all of you to thank for making that possible.  Thank you for inviting us into your homes and your hearts and for spending what precious little free time you have with us.  We heart you, Baby Bunchers!

life lessons: what baby bunching has taught me

I am 34 years old. If you had told me 10 years ago I was only half as smart as I'd be today, I would have laughed in your face. At 24 I was sure I knew so much--about my profession, people, responsibility and life. In the past 10 years, life has taught me many lessons, but Baby Bunching my kids may have taught me the most important ones. When I found out I was expecting my second baby in 16 months, it was like I had been hit by a ton of bricks.

Here is what conceiving unexpectedly after 1 ectopic pregnancy, 2 years of trying to conceive and being given a 30% chance of getting pregnant naturally will teach you:

1) Nothing is predictable.
2) I can't plan life. "Life is what happens when you're busy planning it."
3) The things that seem the hardest to get through often fade from memory or helped me grow in ways I never even imagined.
4) Doctors don't know as much as I thought they did....about many things.
5) Flexibility is critical in life.
6) The parenting books great for trial and error but really the only way to parent is through trial and error.
7) Every child is different.
8) Instincts are more important than I thought.
9) I know my child better than anyone else. When in doubt, remember that.
10) The hours go by so slow but the weeks just fly by.
11) I should never compare myself to other moms. Everyone is different. Kids are different. Family situations are different.
12) I welcome friendships with people I probably wouldn't normally befriend. Different parenting styles and perspectives help us better align our own styles.
13) Mom friends really are important.
14) Bribery works. 
15) It is acceptable to say 'no' to commitments and even my kids.
16) I can't do it all!
17) If only labor & delivery were the hardest parts about being a parent.
18) There will always be people who parent better and worse than I do.

Yes, these are the lessons I have learned in the past four years. Perhaps all parents find their list of life lessons after kids come around. Perhaps it's not related to Baby Bunching. But I continue to be amazed at how much I learn everyday from my kids and my experiences with them.

Parenthood is humbling.

eating out, baby bunching style

Before we had kids, eating out was our "thing".  Never really big drinkers/partiers or movie or concert goers, we spent the bulk of our disposable income and weekend time traveling and testing out all the top new restaurants in town, both at home and on the road.

I enjoyed eating out so much that as we eagerly anticipated the birth of Baby #1, I actually spent a good deal of time fretting about how we would be resigned to a depressing life of dining at home, consuming whatever shoddy, inedible, kid-friendly foods I might be able to throw together.  So when we tentatively ventured out of the house to take Baby to a restaurant for the first time when he was about a week old, I breathed a huge sigh of relief as he slept through the entire (well-timed, post-feeding) meal.  Maybe our lives wouldn't change THAT much....

Enter Baby #2, 17 months later.  Like Pavlov's dogs, it only took us a few hugely failed restaurant experiences to realize that our habits had to change.  And that we would never be eating out again. My husband flatly refused to do it, stating up front that he was not willing to spend the money to eat out with the kids - not only was it not enjoyable, it was downright stressful.  Ever the restaurant enthusiast, even though my standards had significantly lowered to kid-friendly fast food and pizza joints, I would occasionally venture out at lunch time with a support group of other moms.  Still, the meal almost always ended with me drenched in sweat, my Bunch drenched in tears, and my food ensconced in a to-go box, virtually untouched. 

I was always jealous of other mommy friends whose children seemed to behave decently enough in restaurants and wondered what the hell I was doing wrong.  Then I realized that not one of them were Baby Bunchers.  Not to use that as an excuse for ill-behaved children, but when your children are spaced further apart, you have the luxury of spending several years solely focusing on drilling into one child how to properly behave at a restaurant.  When you are a Baby Buncher, it is difficult to rescue the child climbing out of the high chair when you are likely nursing the other in a sling to keep him quiet so you can get through the meal.  If only Octo-Mom meant having that many arms instead of that many children.

So don't despair if your Bunch act like wild heathens in a restaurant or if you think you will never enjoy a meal you haven't cooked yourself for the next 18 years.  Like all things Baby Bunching, it does get a little easier as they get older.  In the meantime, choose your dining experiences carefully.  Criteria I've come to consider in a restaurant include:

• Cost.  There's no sense sinking a ton of money into a meal that you will likely be eating out of a styrofoam container 2 hours after it is served.  Stick to fast food and family-friendly joints and save the true gastronomical experiences for date night.
• Ambiance.  In addition to your own investment, consider that of other diners.  Really, other people do not think your kids are as cute as you do.  So if you think they are acting like buggers, imagine how other people feel.  Stick to casual, loud, hole-in-the-wall type joints where the atmosphere is more laid back.
• Layout.  Do they have family-size booths next to a wall, which allow you to stick a highchair on one end of the table and trap your toddler(s) in the booth by bookending them between the wall and a parent?  Also, always ask to be seated away from other diners if possible and if the restaurant isn't crowded.
• Timing. Speaking of which, you should never be in a crowded restaurant with your Bunch - it's a recipe for disaster.  Go at lunch time or eat at 5 on weekend nights so you can be in and out before the rush starts.  If your Bunch can't sit through a meal, they're not gonna wait 45 minutes for a table.
• Entertainment.  Does the restaurant have paper and crayons?  Or a little game like the Cracker Barrel golf tee game? Indoor playgrounds are awesome, restaurants with outdoor ones may be a little too old - you don't want your kids to get stampeded by big kids.  It's a true bonus if you can score a place where you can be seated within vision line of a video game that is not near a door.  As toddlers, my kids would "drive" race car games forever without me having to spend a single quarter.  One place we went to had a giant sandbox on the patio.  To this day, I can't figure out why all family-friendly restaurants don't have one.
• Food.  Steer clear of restaurants where there is not one thing your kid can or will consume.  I guess you could bring your own, but it is already such a hassle to dine out, don't exacerbate it by making it an experience where you're having to Iron Chef it at the table.  Bonus points if the place has cheap and good margaritas, which always make dining out with your Bunch an easier pill to swallow.

I also like to set expectations for my  Bunch before we go in.  Beginning when they were toddlers, we had 4 easy rules that we repeat as "The Rules of the Restaurant" to this day.  They are:

1. No running.
2. No screaming.
3. No throwing food on the floor.
4. No licking tops of salt shakers.

Most families don't need #4 but my Bunch is awesome like that.  And in case you're worried that you have dined after us, fear not - we have reported and dumped out every salt shaker we've ever licked.  

If all else fails, as they get older you can leverage their fear of non-parental authority.  My mom has my children deathly afraid that "the manager" of the restaurant will ask them to leave.  In a pinch, anyone passing by your table can pass as the manager.  My oldest child has a fear of uniformed officers, so we like to target restaurants where we know a few cops, firemen, or EMS guys will be hanging out - it does wonders for the children's table manners.

Good luck and happy eating!

finding 'me time' in a baby bunching world

"Me Time" can be a bit ambiguous. To everyone it means something different and to everyone the amount of time needed is directly proportional to the amount to time your youngest probably naps. Am I right?

Me Time can be anything: A shower, a hot bath, TV, Facebook time, talking on the phone, working out, taking a walk, reading a book, skimming a book, staring at the wall or meeting a friend for coffee.

We all have our guilty pleasures--things that get us up in the morning and keep us going from day to day.

In a world where you're doing baby and toddler, toddler and toddler, toddler and preschooler with two or more kids, Me Time isn't just a "nice to have" it's a necessity!

 Me time leads to Mommy Confidence, according to Kimberley Clayton Baine, the GoToMom.

But finding time in the day for this, can take some work. No longer does it mean big chunks of time carved out for you to laze about the pool with a book, you have to find a way to survive everyday on little bits of this time. Even if it means getting out of the car and taking 10 big deep breaths and enjoying the quiet BEFORE you get everyone out and into the house. (No, don't walk too far from the car, but we are saying it's OK to take a moment before you unleash the beasts.) Although I do have to give major props to Baby Buncher Tara who gets her quiet time walking to the mail box--from her car--with all four of her bunch safely strapped in. She reads the mail on the way back to the car in peace.

The best way to carve out this time is during naptime. Eventually you will get naps to overlap. And when you do, the first thing to consider is "what can I not do when the kids are awake?" For me this meant working. I worked part time from home since my second was born--and even at only a few hours each week, it provided me the time to do what I love--write. So the minute kids are down for a nap, I enjoy lunch on my own and hit the computer.

Do what you love during these few moments of quiet time. If doing laundry (in quiet) helps you reflect and become centered, then by all means go forth and fold! As you adjust to your new life as a Baby Buncher, you'll learn to grab those "Me Time" moments in smaller bits. Sometimes even coffee with the girls while toddlers destroy the living room can be counted if baby is sleeping in the other room and your friends don't mind mass destruction. Do make sure you're at least eating something unhealthy while this is going on if you're going to count moments like this.

Even with catching a moment here and there when you can, make sure you carve out real time during the week that is just for you. While at work, really TAKE your lunch break away from the office. Put the kids to bed one evening and head out for a shopping trip. Escape one afternoon to a bookstore to get coffee and actually read a book.