the early days: channeling your inner octopus

We absolutely, positively love feedback on this blog or over at our fan page. So if you have a question, please ask us and we’re happy to help out. Today's topic came to us from Baby Buncher Jennifer who asked for a few tips on surviving once all the new-baby help goes home.

You know the saying "when God closes a door somewhere he opens a window." (I quote from Sound of Music.) When your Baby Bunching reinforcements close that door (grandma, sister, hired help), we really hope YOU--or any other member of your family--does not go out the open window.

First rule: Stay calm! 

I remember the first days of facing off with my Bunch. (Cue John Wayne cowboy music here.) I felt a little intimidated. Ok, I panicked. Cara had a go at this several weeks before I did when her family bid her goodbye when the newest member of her Bunch was just about a week old. I remember her saying something like "I'm so relieved that they're gone so I can figure out how I'm actually going to do this on my own."

Can I just say right now . . .I NEVER felt that way. I was a bit overwhelmed about how I would handle this new life with not just one, but TWO babies.

If you're lucky, your help will stay longer than one week. If your family really loves you, mom will come help for the first three months. We realize that's not feasible in many cases, but many cultures are attuned to it, so if grandma wants to come and make you food every night and help you take care of Big Baby until Little Baby sleeps through the night.....say YES!

My help left at 7 weeks. Or better yet, I left it. I moved with my youngest (7 weeks) and oldest ( 17 months) to a new house, country and culture. If you're going to rip off the Band aid, I say . . . do it all at once and make it extra painful!

Here are a few tips to surviving those first few weeks after your reinforcements bid you adieu.

• Feeding baby, whether by breast or bottle, is business as usual. You remember from the first time around that schedules mean nothing to a baby until close to six weeks when you begin to feel a pattern and learn your baby’s rhythm. In the meantime, you feed the baby upon demand whenever (and however often) baby is hungry.  As you recall, this can sometimes mean lots of time spent feeding and not a lot of time to manage anything else—such as a demanding toddler. That's why we're saying grandmas are also great AFTER the first two weeks.
• Unless you are an octopus, you will need to create some extra hands. Some moms have found a sling to be helpful in the early days. We’re talking the wear-your-baby-around-your-body kind of sling. If you can start them early on this, you might find some relief from being glued to your “nursing throne.” Often times, babies can eat, sleep, hang out in the sling while you do other things like make peanut butter sandwiches or play puzzles.
• Reset your expectations right now! No two babies are alike. Whatever you came to know, love and expect with your first-born child, you can bet that your second will be the exact opposite. Baby #1 may have eaten for 20 minutes and then not needed another nibble for 2 hours--giving you time to do other things, while Baby #2 may eat around the clock from Day 1. Stop trying to make #2 fit in #1's box.
• Eventually you will be kicked off the new baby gravy train and people will stop bringing you meals. To help offset that a bit,  see if you can schedule those yummy dinners for AFTER your mom leaves and she's no longer making you tuna noodle casserole or lasagna. When you're into week 6 of Baby Bunching and hanging on by a thread, that will be when you need the food.
• And the last piece of advice is one Cara and I strongly stand by and wish we had taken ourselves. If you must go out with both kids, the rule of thumb is this: Only one errand/activity a day. Seriously, if this is all I can offer you (besides adjusting expectations) my advice is to not be a giant psycho like I was. My first outing with both kids was a trip to IKEA and lunch at McDonald's in a rainstorm with me driving a stick shift for the first time. Really, how stupid was I? If you need friendly faces, make people come to you. If you venture out, go out for an hour and go home while everyone is happy. Don't try to squeeze in one last trip to the store. Go home and do it later. In the end, everyone will be happier, but especially you.

It takes practice, patience and trial and error. Just remember, you can do this.

Comments

[kelly]

great tips!
my playgroup moms all brought me meals every couple of days after my MIL went home and it was a huge help to have good food ready for us and for my toddler.

I'll just add to not be afraid to ask for help. I hated asking anyone for anything with my oldest, but I needed to when i had #2. my friends and family WANTED to help and i totally appreciated it.

[marla]

do not be to hard on yourself! it might take months, but you and the bunch will adjust. and remember BE FLEXIBLE! the first 3 months were all about survival for me, but now 6 months in we are getting to a point were i am rolling with the punches better.

[jennifer]

Thanks for a great post ladies!! I'm in day 2 of flying solo so I will heed your advice...especially the one outing/day rule and not being afraid to ask for (or accept) help. My hubby is also kind enough to adjust his work schedule to work from home and/or half days to stretch out the transition period which I highly recommend if you can swing it.

[Sara]

Thanks! This is exactly the post I needed to read. I'm 38 and a half weeks pregnant with my 2nd, my 1st is 13 months old and I'm starting to panic about how I'm going to handle both babies at once. I don't have a lot of family that is able/willing to help, but my husband will be taking time off of work for the first week at least. Wish us luck!!

[Miranda]

A few things worked for us,

1. husband left home in the morning a little late after we ALL had breakfast and a bath, especially me. You might not get the chance later.

2. I made some big baby food before new baby came and had my freezer full of complete kid meals that he liked.

3. Have a changing station and even a small cot where you spend most time with big baby, the living room or play room.

4. Get baby containment devices - for newborn: bjorn, sling, bouncy seat, and what I cant live without now that baby is 6 mths - Bumbo chair and exersaucer.

5. Have your potty close at hand, not in the bathroom down the hall.