baby bunching challenge: going solo on bedtime

(This post in response to a reader's comment on getting everyone to bed without dad around.)

Bedtime can be a mad dash to the finish line after a long day of negotiating schedules. The clock can tick away slowly until 7 or 7:30 p.m. and you may find yourself counting the minutes until the entire clan is tucked into bed with vision of sugarplums in their heads.

A few weeks into your new Baby Bunching gig, as you dash downstairs to grab your daughter’s lovey and your baby starts to wail in the upstairs bouncy seat, you may return to find your oldest pouring the last remains of the soapy bath water on your baby’s head, you’ll wonder how you got into this mess in the first place. Bedtime can be a bit messy with bottles, pacifiers, lovies, blankets, books, bath, songs, drinks of water, diapers and the last effort attempt to make a statement for the day by someone. There are nights that someone in your house will have to go this route alone, it’s inevitable that someone is working late or traveling at some point, but for the most part if you can enlist your husband to take a very active role in bedtime, your sprint time to the end will go much smoother for everyone.

Here are a few things you need to remember.

1. First and MOST IMPORTANTLY, get the easiest one to bed first. If your toddler tends to call out a million times for one thing or another and your baby literally will sleep the minute he hits the mattress, then by all means get your baby to bed first. If baby needs 30 minutes of cuddle time prior to the final bottle/nursing session, then get your toddler to bed first. With this neverfail soution, you'll only have the one left to manage and believe us, one is so much easier than the two at the same time. Do note, you might have to switch this around as kids grow. Toddler may be a breeze to get to bed today, but next week things can change. Be flexible.

2. Stagger their bedtimes. There’s nothing worse at the end of a long day than having everyone meltdown the last 30 minutes before bed. That does not set the correct tone for your upcoming happy hour, right?! Shuffle bedtimes a bit by 15 to 30 minutes so you’re not having to do the last minute things for both kids at the same time.

3. Be firm about bedtime and shorten the routine. In the early Baby Bunching months, bedtime is not the forum for lackadaisical parenting. You have a busy day ahead of you tomorrow. Nighttime, at this stage in your kids’ life, can be unpredictable—waking up due to illness, teething, night terrors, bad dreams, etc—is very common and you need a break from it all as well. If bedtime for the last child is at 8 p.m. and at 9 p.m. you’re still battling someone to bed, you need to reassess somewhere and get your routine back on schedule.

Even with the above mentioned items, bedtime can require some fancy footwork. Bathtime for two little ones can be tricky, the last feeding might take longer than expected and many times you may have to call out a search party for the lost lovey—yet again.  As with everything else in Baby Bunching, you need to have the right supplies and get organized.

Let’s start with bath. If bathtime is part of your child’s bedtime ritual—as it was for Linda’s kids—keep bath at night. For both her kids, bath signaled the end of the day. Every once in a while she'd forgo a bath due to the lack of another set of hands. But for some kids, bathtime can be anytime. Consider bathing one child during the other’s naptime, having one parent bath each child separately, bathing them together to cut down on the mess/water. Both our husbands travelled quite a bit and we found ourselves doing this solo.

Here is our number 1 tip: bathe both kids together. This could mean puting the baby bathtub in the big tub with toddler sitting next to baby in bath or it could mean skidproof mats to keep baby upright. Bring all necessary items to dress both kids into the bathroom (diapers, PJs, lotion, etc.); get the younger one out first (diapered and dressed) and then let her sit in the bouncy seat or play on the bathroom floor while finishing with the older one. With this recipe, most kids are contained and generally happy until it's time to transport from point A to B.

When you move onto the bedtime ritual, there may be a few things you need to simplify getting everyone to bed, especially when you’re down a parent. We strongly recommend your older child be “contained” somehow in his room. This means he’s either in a crib or in his room, with a gate or some similar item to keep him from getting into trouble while you’re putting the other child to bed. As Linda’s oldest son grew, his bedtime warranted a later time—even though he was the easier one to get to bed. She would put him in his room, with the baby gate up and let him play while she dealt with her younger one. Otherwise, he would run in every few minutes asking if she was done feeding the baby. It would just drag out the bedtime process that much more.

The last thing we will mention regarding bedtime are the things that soothe your children. If your oldest still has a pacifier, needs a bottle, has a lovey or sucks his thumb, we suggest assessing the severity of the situation before you give into making him give it up. A pediatrician will tell you the bottles and pacifier need to go around age one. Linda will be the first to admit that both her children went well into the second year—her daughter until age two—getting a bottle before bedtime. It was a ritual she just wasn’t ready to deal with. If you have a newborn baby and your toddler still wants his pacifier and it means peace for you and him, by all means don’t make this the moment to force the issue. When he’s a little older and you can rationalize/bribe him out of his habit and you’re getting more sleep, then you might tackle these harder issues. Comfort items in the long run help them get the sleep they need, and you as well.

Comments

[J]

Thank you so much for this. I am due in a few weeks with #2 my older baby is 18 months. I will be doing bedtime by myself every night since my hubby works long/late hours. These tips were really helpful and thanks for making me feel better about still using a bottle and paci before bedtime!

[jenni]

I'm alone this week with my bunch and your tips are spot on.

And putting the kiddie tub in the big tub? That is GENIUS! I've been struggling with this dilemma. Oscar will push Miles down in the big tub, but I think having Mile sin the kiddie tub might just be the solution.

[jenni]

hmmm, my comment disappeared.

anyways, i'm going solo with my bunch this week and your tips are spot on.

and, i've been struggle w/bathtime and I think you've given me a perfect solution.

[Ninja Mom]

I've always done bedtime alone. We got an extra large rocking chair, and it's the best thing I ever bought!

We start baths around 6:30. The older kids (ages 8 and 5) are in bed by 7:45. Then I make my 2 year old a bottle and rock her. I rock my 1 year old at the same time, except he's nursing. Generally I can have everyone asleep by 8:30 - and then I go to sleep, because I'm in my third triemster and just worn out all the time.

If it's a day when sleep just isn't coming, I put on a kid's show and make a little bed in the living room, and lie down while the kids run around till they're tired. It's easy to say you don't want your kids to watch tv, but when you're 9 months pregnant and everyone is acting like a bunch of monkeys, you do what you have to do.

The Hub is home by 10:45, and then if the babies are still awake, I hand them off to him and go to bed.

[Jess]

Any suggestions for a 2 year old who just won't sleep?? Her baby brother who is 1 will go down without a fight, but man this girl just doesn't want to go to bed. We do bath, teeth, book, bed every night. Most nights we have to sit outside her door just to keep her in her room. We tried a gate ... she climbed it. I could use any suggestions you have?
Jess

[Linda]

Jess, that's a great question. Have you tried using a rewards chart? Each kid is just so different so it's hard for us know what works best for your child. My oldest could be bribed and reward charts worked wonderful for him. (For example, you go to bed without any trouble and you get a star. After a week of stars, she gets a prize.) You can also try things like 123 Magic. Cara used something similar with her kids when they goof off.

From a previous post:

"Our boys like the door to their room open and the hall light on when they go to sleep. We tell them that if they are goofing off and we have to come up, the first time we will shut the hall light off. The second time, we will shut the door. The third time we will lock it (with one of those doorknob locks on the inside). Needless to say, we only got to #3 once or twice (we came back and take off the cover after about five or so minutes and they went RIGHT to sleep)."
http://www.babybunching.com/baby_bunching/2008/10/baby-bunching-q.html

Perhaps some of these ideas might help. But we'll do a post on this next week to see what response you might get.

[Jess]

Thanks. I hadn't thought of a rewards chart, though I'm not sure how interested she will be. Is it sad that I look forward to Tuesdays because we go to grandmas and she falls asleep in the car ride home ?!?
Jess

[jenni]

hey, jess, have you considered moving bedtime? either up or down by 30 minutes? bedtime 30 minutes later made all the difference for my 2 y.o.

[kelly]

I'm going solo this week w/ hubby out of town and bed time is my biggest struggle. i get stressed just thinking about it. :) I just posted about it on my blog after a hectic bedtime last night. ugh. :)

[Miranda]

I'm not embarrassd to say, I almost can not do bedtime without help. If husband is not home all hell breaks loose. So I get my mum to come over to watch and feed 2yr old while I put baby to sleep upstairs. I don't like the idea of leaving big baby downstairs eating dinner alone watching tv, which my friend does! I don't think it's safe. Once baby is sleeping I bathe and dress big baby, my mum leaves, and then we go to bed, unfortunately my bed. So staggered bedtime is a must, and bathing and feeding at the same time can help, but I'm still not sure how to get that half hour of peace to nurse baby without leaving big baby unsupervised. What has worked is all 3 of us get in my bed and I read stories while nursing, baby eventually falls asleep and is transfered to crib. Just note - doing bedtime solo always has the potential to go horribly wrong!

[Kate]

Great post! My husband travels a LOT and I am still trying to figure out the nights with two little ones on my own. Will definitely use some of these tips - thanks!

[ציפוי אמבטיה]

I would put him in his area, with the child checkpoint up and let him perform while she treated her youthful one. Otherwise, he would run in every few moments asking if she was done providing the child.