baby bunching battles: church

There are many, many places that you should avoid going to with your Bunch.  For me, church was always near the top of that list.  This was sadly ironic because I found that I often had to invoke the support of a higher power to make it through the daily grind of Baby Bunching, so it was rather unfortunate that my Bunch was driving a wedge between me and attendance at proper formal worship services.

I grew up in the Catholic church, where nurseries are almost non-existent and even the presence of cry rooms are sporadic.  From an early age, Catholics are expected to worship as a family.  But with two children under the age of two, I found that the only thing more spiritually draining than worshiping with my family was to worship with my family AND the family of Baby Bunchers that were inevitably seated three rows behind me.

And yet, like a good Catholic girl, I continued to bang my head against the proverbial wall by trying again and again to include my Bunch in worship services.  Most weeks we left even more exhausted than when we had arrived (was that even possible?!) instead of spiritually renewed.

Finally, I gave up on the whole "worship as a family thing".  Out of sheer desperation, we switched churches and began attending one that offered regular nursery services.  We threw all children in the nursery and only recently has my 5-year old been allowed to join us for services, AFTER he proved that he could keep the ants in his pants under control for an hour.  Our 4-year old attempted to attend with us a few weeks ago, but had a meltdown halfway through the service and was sent directly back to the nursery.  Baby was allowed to sit with us from birth until he started trying to yammer over the sermon and then he, too, was banished to the nursery.  I figure we'll send for them when they turn 5.

Do I feel bad that our family is worshiping in such a fractured manner?  A little.  But mostly I just feel a heck of a lot closer to God now that I can focus on His Word instead of those of my kids.

Comments

[JessPond]

BRIBES!

We go to a small church without a nursery and do it like this:

No breakfast before church (not a prob since my kids normally don't even GET UP before service starts, therefore they're not hungry yet) and snacks! snacks! snacks! during. Cereal. Milk. Fruit snacks. Raisins. Whatever we need. Then we bring some toys, crayons, and paper.

Have we left the service before? Oh yes. But I want my kids with me...I guess I'm sort of old fashioned, like you're saying about the Catholics (we're Methodists). :)

I think, about a lot of things, that the earlier you get to making your kids do things, the more "natural" it is. Hair cuts (messed that one up, plus my kid does seem to have a sensory disorder, anyway), restaraunts, church, long car rides, etc. It's far from foolproof, but exposure does seem to help. For us, at least.

[Jen]

Actually, I believe strongly that little children belong in Church. I'm Catholic, too, and though my parish offers both a nursery and two large cry rooms, I think a child's place is in the pew with her mother & father, learning how to worship. I am a mother of 3 - 3 & under and this belief certainly provides plenty of opportunities for me to grow in humility & patience, but in the long run, I think this is how the Lord is calling us to worship now. For a well-written article on the subject, go to Inside Catholic (http://insidecatholic.com/Joomla/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=6171&Itemid=121&ed=1) and then read the follow-up article on Momopoly (http://www.katewicker.com/2009/06/distractions-from-lord.html). The author is a baby bunching mother of 3. Bottom line for me is that I believe there are graces to be received by my attendance at Mass - regardless of how many times I get distracted with the children or if I end up having to take one or both or all 3 to the back. I need those graces and so do my husband & children!
Also, in my experience, simplifying what we bring for the children is the better option. So for us, there are no snacks, no coloring, and very few toys. The girls do better with books and their laminated Holy Card collection in a little purse. Finally, Conversion Diary has a great article on Getting Kids to Behave in Church (http://www.conversiondiary.com/2009/02/getting-kids-to-behave-in-church.html). The important thing is to keep trying and trust that the grace is there!

[Rachel O.]

I never realized how uncommon my church was until recently... Not only do they have a cry room for infants, but they have seperate and modified church services for kids up to age ten. This way their spiritual instruction is able to meet them at their level, instead of having them sit through an adult service (which may train them to sit still, and to participate as a family, but will likely go over their heads content-wise). It's difficult for me to grasp why more churches do not make this available, and I sincerely feel that if your baby bunch is unable to function in the current church set-up, it may be time to find another church (at least for a while).

[Kristi]

I love our church's children's ministry!! They love on my children and teach them about Jesus at a very early age, and I'm free to worship without distraction!!!

[Marla Ferguson]

we have a pretty good church also. however, my oldest (21m) is a breath holder so i don't feel comfortable leaving her in the nursery. unfortunately this means we rarely go to church because it is so chaotic to have her and the 3 month old in the church. luckily we have a cry room that we try to go to if we attend and that works out for watching the kids, but not for really attending church.

[Sanity]

It's sad that your response to having trouble bringing your kids to Mass has resulted in both yourself and your kids being deprived of the Catholic heretiage.

As mentioned above, there are many ways to try and get families and kids under control.

Putting them in a cry room tells them that Church isn't important enough to learn to behave and it isn't worth the sacrifice of your time and energy teaching your kids how to behave. As a previous poster said, there is grace in just attending and attending to your kids.

What other things do you cut out of your life and/or your children's life because it was too difficult?

If ever there was something worth sacrificing one's time and energy for it would be precious time with Christ in the Eucharist. You've told your kids that the Eucharist isn't worth such a sacrifice.

Sorry, but it makes me sad inside. Anything worth having usually requires some self sacrifice. Mass is worth it. Whether you see the fruits of your labor or not, your kids will thank you for your sacrifice later.

I know I thank my mother for her patience and love every day - 3 kids in 3 years. We still made it to Mass, no matter how hard it was.

We make our kids eat vegitables and wear helmets and go to school - all of which can be tiresome and grueling tasks depending on the kids.

We know, as wise parents, it's worth it.

Why is spending time with God the exception?

[Cara Fox]

I'm glad to see some alternative viewpoints on this issue and thanks to those of you who shared such wonderful suggestions and resources for attending church with small children. I was back and forth on this issue for years and in the end, I do feel that God led me to my current church and resolution of my inner conflict. I am happier and stronger in my faith than I have been since college, and our family has found other ways to share the Word of God (prayer, age-appropriate discussion, reading picture Bible together, participation in family activities at church, faith-based preschool, etc.) to begin laying a faith foundation while our children are very young. As they say, there's more than one way to skin a cat, so Catholics (and other) Baby Bunchers, take heart!

[Natasha]

I sometimes find taking my 3 and 4 year old to Church so exhausting I leave after 15 minutes. And this is a Church which does a Kids Song at the beginning, before the kids pop next door for Sunday School, and once a month has a service actively involving the kids in the main Church. I find taking the kids does illuminate aspects of the service in unexpected ways, and can help me practice being patient in a tricky situation. BUT, God doesn't expect us to do more than we are capable of. Baby Bunchers struggle in particular when they are having to control 2+ kids anywhere, particularly in Church; it's HARD. Don't beat yourself up; do what you can. Worship songs, prayers and Bible time in the home is hugely important. Maybe 1 out of 3 weeks take the kids out of the nursery and accept that it will be tricky for you but they need to be exposed to Church? On Sunday evenings my husband minds the kids while I attend an evening service, which feels more spiritual rewarding for ME compared to taking the kids in the morning...but as Angela Ashwin says in 'Patterns not Padlocks', the tricky task of taking little kids to Church is an offering to God, & God understands the hard time you are having.

[Susan Smock]

I had this same problem in the Catholic churches we attended. It actually turned me off from the Catholic religion as I don't think expecting children to sit through almost an hour in a pew like that is developmentally appropriate; it brought me much more stress than peace also. Other churches around here have nurseries and children's programs and for us, being Catholic was mainly about being a Christian anyway. So, we no longer try to muddle through that particular chaos.

["Gidget"]

I hear you loud and clear. My former church didn't have a nursery, just a cry room. As a single parent at the time, I got so little out of services, but I persevered, and ended up using Cap'n Crunch as a bribe that got us through an entire service when he was 2.5. OS has been dx'd ADHD, and that I'm sure didn't help matters at the time.

Now with my 17 mo, our current church has a nursery for those one and up and a cry room off the sanctuary. I didn't get much out of the service in the cry room, but at least I wasn't disturbing others' worship. DH and I took turns. Now that YS is 1, the nursery ministry is such a blessing. Religious education comes through other means because just the service and as parents we should be instilling our values and faith all the time, not just on Sundays. Also, YS attends with us at services where the nursery just isn't available (or sometimes the nursery is at capacity) and we get through it.

I was raised in a church that didn't have nurseries available when I and my siblings were young and I really resented church as a young child. I'm so thankful it's an option today.

We plan that baby currently in utero will stay with us in the services until he gets too squawky for others and will join his brother when he is one. Nursery only goes through age 3 (or maybe 4).

Anyway, to each their own. Some families can handle the chaos of little ones, others can't. But I think it's important for churches, regardless of denomination, to offer the option...

[Sierra]

We are an every week family, and a lot of it has been just creating that routine. Church with kids was not unlike grocery shopping with a just 3 yo, 17 mo, and newborn - you get creative and pick your battles.

They do have to dress in nice clothes, so we do "Pajammy breakfast". They need to be quiet, so toys are allowed. Now that they are 6, 4 and 3, we manage to make it thru most of the service together with the help of Polly Pocket, matchbox cars and the pew at the back with carpeting on the floor.

We also have a sunday school/nursury that runs during the service that I can send them too if ants in the pants becomes to overwhelming (for me).

Now when I'm praying in Church, it's less "Dear Lord- what were we thinking?" and more "Dear Lord - gee, they are pretty cute and I think I might survive!"

[Carol Amie]

We attend Catholic Mass with our bunch (4, almost 3 and just turned 1) every week. Some days I get a lot out of the homily. Other days I believe that God felt it more important for me to simply get lessons in patience, humility or suffering. ;)

Regardless, I wouldn't be able to do it if our priest hadn't offered the same line at each of the Baptism's..."as parents who are committing your child to a Catholic life it is your responsibility to ensure this child grows up never able to recall a Sunday that he/she didn't attend Mass". On the really rough days I just repeat it over and over and over again in my mind.

Of course, last week's letter from the Pastor (http://saintcatherineschurch.org/bullets/09/Jun28.txt) that clarified the difference between an infant crying out of hunger and a toddler disrupting with a tantrum might have hit a nerve, too, but it just so happened to come the week that my children got an a+ for their behavior. :P

[Jen]

Here's another great resource:

http://firstheralds.blogspot.com/2009/06/20-things-you-can-do-to-help-your.html

[Natalie @ Naddy's Blog]

Ours are 15 months and 3 months. We don't expect silence (thankfully, nobody else does either!) but we work on being quiet during the sermon. During singing the 15 month old often "sings" along. If either one gets to loud we either go to the gliders at the back of the sanctuary or the cry room. DH takes the 15 mo. old, who is pretty wiggly and keeps him awake! We do books, quiet toys, and a sippy. The 3 month old usually is in the sling the whole time nursing or sleeping...

Our church doesn't provide a nursery. We feel that our children are part of God's people and deserve to be there worshiping with the people of God, not exiled off to a dumbed down version of church. With that said, I know it is going to be really tough as our littlest gets bigger and we're both juggling wiggly toddlers. But our churches are losing young people at a frightening rate, and I intend to keep my kids in church and instill in them the habit of worship from a young age.

Just my .02 cents...

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