I've recently posted on another site about the hell Atlanta private school application process that I am going through with my oldest child. This process, which requires psychological testing, group and individual observations from the schools, and reflective essay writing on my child's learning style has been both anxiety producing and illuminating for me.
Last week we had a meeting with the psychologist on the results of my son's psychological testing. Long story short, he is bright when he chooses to apply himself but "lacks focus and discipline" in learning. Which we knew. Because he is a five-year old boy.
As we were packing up to leave the psychologist's office, I joked with her that perhaps if we hadn't had so many children so close together, I might have had more time to work with him one-on-one and he might be more focused and disciplined. The psychologist looked me in the eye and said very seriously, "Probably so." Which really pissed me off, at first. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I should just call a spade a spade here.
Baby Bunching does not allow for a lot of one-on-one time with each child. It does not lend itself well to conducting supplemental activities that require undivided attention, like workbooks or flash cards. At least not, very unfortunately, in the first five years of the child's life, which as we all know are the most important, developmentally speaking. Baby Bunching also makes it difficult to be patient. I'm embarrassed to admit that it led me to cut corners on simple skill building things like zipping up jackets and tying shoes. When I am trying to get everyone out the door, it is easier to do it myself than wait so long for my oldest to zip up his coat that the youngest is freaking out in his infant carrier.
We do lots of reading, coloring, art projects, play-doh, mazes, and playing outside. We do have some computer time, which my kids love. We do have a ton of workbooks, which we scan/work on a haphazard basis based on people's interests (for example, they can only do math on a pre-K level, but my oldest works mazes on a 3rd grade level and my second son's love is connect-the-dots). My oldest likes to cook, so he helps me make dinner. But we never do science experiments, take nature walks, only occasionally play board/card games that require parental assistance, and we definitely don't have the kind of organized, curriculum for our "free time" that seems to be required for academic success these days. There just isn't time - I'm lucky if I can keep everyone fed, cleaned, and entertained, more less educated.
I thought I was doing my kid a favor by giving him siblings that would be close in age. Socially speaking, he's a prince. But have I shorted him academically? I'm curious about your opinions and experiences on how Baby Bunching has affected your Bunch, developmentally speaking.
I think that psychologist had some nerve. Having taught in the public shcool system in MoCo (MD) prior to babies, I find the whole testing, observation, essay process absurd. Having been a product of a parochial educational system k-grad school, what are private schools trying to accomplish with this battery of testing? As a teacher in a public school I had anywhere from 25-36 students in my class any given period/quarter/semester. I was unrealistically expected to provide idividual attention to each and every student in 45 minutes. The point you make is the flip side of this. With multiple children so close in age (my 3rd will have the biggest gap at 22 mos. younger)we as parents do what we can, as teachers we do what we can....whatever happened to learning to read in K, learning algebra in 8-9 grade instead of 6th, and whatever happened to RECESS!!!!!! We forget that children are just that...children, and keeping them fed, clean and entertained is our primary job as a parent. That is why they go to school, for an education. You should be proud of the job you are doing as a parent, and feel thrilled that as a parent you were able to provide stimulation to your children by providing them siblings. Sorry to rant back, but the nerve of that woman...OMG!!!!!
Posted by: Oli & Marley's mom | Jan 29, 2009 at 11:23 AM
Perhaps if your goal is private elementary and preschool then baby bunching is "bad" for your kids academically. However, I think if you goal is happy, well adjusted, intelligent individuals who can deal with the real world then baby bunching is great for kids!
Posted by: MaryBeth @ FourSillySisters | Jan 29, 2009 at 11:41 AM
Wow, what a great post. You are being way too hard on yourself. My oldest child was 8 when my younger two (now ages 2 and 3) came along. I really don't think baby bunching has anything to do with whether or not we zip our kids' coats for them, etc. With my oldest child, I actually did more for him with things like that than I am even capable of doing with my younger two, (due to available time and the level of chaos I am now managing). My oldest child was in a parish school until 5th grade and it is just refreshing that he is now, finally, in public school! I really thought we had to do all that with school and education and go to private schools, etc. But I wanted to be home with all of my kids and we could no longer afford parish school if I did that ... and it has just been refreshing!! Hindsight is 20/20 and now I wish I had had another child closer in age to my ds. Social skills are actually more important in life than early acadamic test results. I mean, academics are important ... but academics can actually be taught in a classroom quite easily. Social skills become ingrained in who we are as people and are taught best through real life experiences in relating to others. Now, this won't be a popular thought ... but think about how many really dumb politicians are in office out in the world because of their great social skills (charm, ability to relate to others in a way that makes them liked well enough to get voted in, etc.) and totally not in office because they have great brains! I hope that won't offend anybody to say that. But basically, hindsight has shown me that those schools really do sort of need to get over themselves! Save your money and take great family vacations instead of paying all that tuition! I wish so much now that I could go back and get a refund on all those years of tuition because we could really use that money right now!
Posted by: Susan Smock | Jan 29, 2009 at 12:17 PM
When I first ready this, I was thinking you meant bad for mommy's brain...because yes, it is.
I think that psychologist should be kicked. First of all, what a jerk. Secondly, I don't think you can base anything on how far apart kids are.
What does that mean about parents of multiples, then? Yikes?
And, as a public school teacher, I think that parents have a lot more to do with how the kids turn out then the schools they go to.
Posted by: Krystyn | Jan 29, 2009 at 12:43 PM
oh, and I am totally a baby buncher (by 1 day, 10/14/06 and 10/13/08). I would love it if you added me to your blogroll!
Posted by: Krystyn | Jan 29, 2009 at 12:45 PM
Oh god. I'm actually thinking of taking my daughter out of her school for K next year because the thought of her being in school the whole day where they will ensure that she "colors the faces with the correct colors" will drive me insane.
She's the "good" one -- the one who does everything, follows directions, and my fear - falls under the radar.
Anyway, my son (#2) doesn't know as much as my first did at his age, but they're different kids. I certainly didn't "drill" him as much as I did with #1, but you have to remember that they learn A LOT from their siblings. And not just crappy things. Good things that are just as valuable as essays.
Oy.
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | Jan 29, 2009 at 01:09 PM
Wow, that lady was a giant loser. She probably doesn't have any kids anyway. Let's see, with my kids....my oldest is nowhere NEAR as focused as either of your older boys. (Mini Fox just still sits around for now.) Your kids sit and play while mine run around like animals. Animals!
We're terrible at our house about taking time to do activities. My oldest sits in the back of the car rattling off addition and subtraction tables. He does this on his own. He won't let me help him to read. He won't let me help him do anything. He has to do it all by himself. I agree with Kristen about learning alot from their siblings...both older and younger. My youngest has taught my oldest compassion. My oldest has taught my youngest to do puzzles and love playing outside. He's also taught her how to trick me. Sly kids.
I think you get different dynamics no matter what. If your kids are far apart, there are ups and downs. If they're close together....also ups and downs. What can you do? But I certainly don't think your son lacks focus!!!
Posted by: Linda | Jan 29, 2009 at 01:23 PM
I really don't have any answers for you...I've been feeling the same way and am happy to know that I'm not the only one. I was just commenting to a friend the other day about all the awful "mommy guilt" I feel. My middle turns two tomorrow and I really feel like I missed out on so much fun one-year-old stuff with her being sick and exhausted with my pregnancy and then having a newborn when she was 19 months! I think, ultimately, we need to hold on to the fact that we created beautiful families and have given our children the gift of siblings they will be close too. In the long run, I don't think that our bunching will affect our children's intelligence.
Posted by: Emily | Jan 29, 2009 at 02:03 PM
I totally thought you meant bad for OUR brains, which I screamed "OH YES, YES YES YES!" to in my head.
As for the kids, I do worry. I would LIKE to not send our kids to prek, but....with the little time we have for the stuff you're talking about, I totally wonder how I can have them ready for school. ANd I'm talking public school! :)
Posted by: JessPond | Jan 29, 2009 at 04:28 PM
Although I know my second child isn't where my son was at her age in terms of counting,alphabet,colors she is remarkably doing pretty well. My husband has purposely read books before bed that counts, does colors or goes through the alphabet...he has been a lifesaver in this area. Even though I'm home everyday with the kids I sometimes (often as of late) feel fried. I've asked him to put them to bed at night so not only do they special one-on-one time with daddy they also get to play with him and he reads them books and tucks them in at night. This I know has what lead to my 2nd babe learning her numbers and the alphabet. I'm haphazardly teaching her numbers right now. Haphazardly b/c I recall to do it throughout the day as we are going about our normal routine. We don't necessarily have to sit down and work through a book or cards or anything but instead I point to her clothes or things outside or in the house. At any rate, I don't think we've necessarily done a disservice to our kids academically, the 2nd (& 3rd) child(ren). At least for me I think delegating some of the teaching to my husband has been a good move on my partand has really benefitted my kids.
Posted by: beth | Jan 29, 2009 at 06:54 PM
First of all, I want to know what happened to the days when Kindergarten was where children got ready for school. Now, you feel like a bad parent for not sending your child to preschool. I am a baby buncher with 3 kids, ages 3 1/2, 2 1/2, and 9 months. I don't send either of mine to preschool. Maybe I "should" have, but my oldest is an extremely bright child, taught himself to read at 3 years old, so therefore, I didn't see why he really needed preschool. He gets plenty of social interaction with his siblings, cousins, and friends. What we baby bunchers have to remember is that our children learn plenty from each other and from us without sitting down to study flash cards, drill information into them, etc. Kids are wired to learn, they pick up information from everything you do with them. My 2 year old shows me all the time, that even though I don't have the time to sit down and work on his letters with him, that he's learning them along the way. The other day, he pointed out a B and said, "That's B for Baby." So, obviously, he's listening, watching, learning, all the time. Even when I'm not "trying" to teach him. Anyway,I can't believe that psychologist was so rude to you. She probably is just bitter because she didn't grow up with any siblings. :)
Posted by: Lois | Jan 30, 2009 at 03:33 PM
As we say in the UK, what a load of b*llocks.
To reassure you, let me say I am the oldest of a bunch of three (My sister is 18 months younger than me and my brother 2.5 years younger than her). And I got my PhD when I was 25. And better than that, I have two awesome siblings who I love very much.
Oh, and the CEO of our company is one of 8 kids! I doubt he got a whole lot of one on one one attention from his mom!
Posted by: geekymummy | Jan 30, 2009 at 05:31 PM
My children are 15 1/2 months apart and I was feelng guilty about not giving as much attention to my son as I did to his sister at age 1. I mentioned it to our pediatrician. She said, if anything, my daughter lost out a bit by not having a sibling. There is stimulation that comes from a sibling -- my son learns both from us and his sister. It sounds like the psychologist was ignoring the benefits of the sibling dynamic -- that our bunching children learn to share and work out differences at home in a way that other children have to learn at school. The are ready to learn when they get to school. Don't let the psychologist push your buttons!!!
Posted by: Sheri | Jan 31, 2009 at 09:43 AM
When I look back in history at people I admire and who have made amazing contributions to our lives through science, technology, medicine, art, etc.--I think most of them didn't really have parents who obsessed the way we do now about 'education', schooling, preparation, etc. Many of those kids had to work really hard, through their own initiative, to get access to books, supplies school, instruments, etc. Even my own parents and grandparents, who love their children dearly, didn't really think about how they were affecting the kids on a daily basis--they were just trying to get by and have well behaved kids. As a teacher, some of the most amazing kids I’ve worked with were so amazing and resilient—even when faced with less than enthusiastic parents and really tough home lives. I sometimes worry that my own kids are both too coddled and too ‘pushed’, and that they may be better off having to work a little harder on their own in some areas and also be given more free reign to discover their true talents and desires.
Posted by: AM | Feb 02, 2009 at 12:24 AM
You're being way too hard on yourself. I agree with what some of the other posters said. Kids learn so much from just play, and they get much more of that from siblings than from mommy and daddy, no matter how much time you spend with them. And I know that as far as my two go, they've each HAD to learn some things on their own because I didn't have the time to devote to each one individually.
Posted by: Alecia | Feb 03, 2009 at 12:28 AM
I opine that to receive the business loans from creditors you must present a good reason. However, once I've got a secured loan, just because I was willing to buy a building.
Posted by: MirandaGross32 | Jun 28, 2011 at 10:42 PM