baby bunching battles: equality and fairness

On a global scale, I am all about equality and fairness - social justice and all that good stuff. But in my own household, lately my Bunch has been making me absolutely NUTS over the equality issue.  Seems every time time I try to do something nice for one (anything from a snack to a treat at the store), the other one is there to point out that he, too, should get whatever "it" is.  Right down to the exact same number of Cheese Nips at snack time. 

I vividly remember playing the equality card with my own parents years ago, but I feel like the fact that my kids are A) the same gender and B) extremely close in age exacerbates the situation here.  Mainly because pretty much anything one gets (clothes, a toy, food, TV privileges, etc.) is pretty much both age appropriate and available in the right size for the other one.

Before I had kids, I always swore I wasn't going to be one of those parents that got suckered into buying two of everything just to keep everyone happy.  But now that I'm actually a parent (and therefore qualified to dispense advice about parenting) and my children have learned to "advocate" for themselves, I see that "those" parents weren't necessarily suckered.  They just want a few freaking minutes of peace and quiet and it is just easier to give in sometimes.

As with all parenting challenges, I know that I need to pick my battles.  Last week, when I bought my middle (truck loving, new/not hand me down - clothes deprived) son a turtleneck with trucks on it at Target, the oldest (who doesn't give two craps about trucks or turtlenecks) begged for one too.  I caved because they were on sale for 98 cents and I figured it wasn't worth the fight.  But just a few days later, I found myself making my second trip to the mall in two days because the oldest got a much-needed sweater for his private school interviews and the middle one was beside himself that I hadn't gotten him a sweater too.  And I realized that "picking my battles" means actually picking one sometimes and fighting it - not giving in every time because I feel sorry for the "slighted" child.

The reality is that the world is not a fair place.  It's also not a place where people are entitled to things just because their brother/friend/neighbor/co-worker got them.  These are the lessons I want to (gently and lovingly) impart to my kids - now I just gotta figure out how. 

Comments

[beth]

this is truly a challenge in my house too! I totally agree with you about picking your battles. I also got that same turtle nect for my son for 98 cents too woot!
take care!

[Casey]

We were just talking about this today, how our youngest gets the shaft. It's going to come back to bite us when she's old enough to realize that she gets leftover toys and books and such....

You can't beat Target clearance. I usually find something I like for the kids and buy it in a couple of sizes so they can grow into it.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

My friend (a wise therapist) always says that when it comes to teaching those lessons, make sure the "easy" ones outweigh the hard ones.

So, if they love winning and have to win all the time, then make sure that they win a lot and lost a few times. They'll slowly adjust on their own to losing rather than being forced to accept it, which never really works.

Same goes for the battles. Even things out for the most part, and then inch the lesson of "not everyone gets everything" slowly.

A lot of it is developmental and what their brains and ego can handle. Equality and fairness are big concepts to swallow. Some adults don't even get them.

[JessPond]

Oh wow, we have this, too, and my kids are SMALL. We are still at the giving-in (mostly) point because otherwise it's all tears. I mean after all, they are only 20mo and 13mo. :)

But our oldest throws a freaking FIT if you hold our youngest. It's insane. And they're close enough together that even sippy cups of MILK get stolen and I find her hiding, drinking it (which is an issue since his are cal-enhanced and he's on a cal-counting diet!). Miiiine? Miiiiiiiiine? Onnnne?

lol

Luckily the only things (other than toys, which if they're gender-neutral they play with at the same time anyhow) we're really able to share are undershirt onesies and socks, and so they get their own clothes, at least. :)

[April]

my mom bunched the four of us and to this day she writes down every single thing she gets us, so that she can do the same (or an equivalent) for everyone else! LOL :-)

[jenni]

that's so tough. i'm not sure how you can balance your need for peace and quite and teaching them that they can't alwasy get what they want.