We received a question from Baby Buncher Jenny P. We're going to answer it the best we can, but we'd would like to call on any of you out there who might fit in this category to help us out.
Q: I've been wondering if any of your readers have achieved Advanced Buncher status (i.e. 3 under 3, or 4 under 4, etc.)? My husband and I are actually contemplating number 3 [Note: she has a 3 month old and 17 month old], but I'm wondering if we're just totally insane. Though, I must say that 2 under 2 (while a challenge) hasn't been that bad and often actually fun.
A (from Linda): Give it some time before you make the irreversible decision of adding to your family. While the first few months of 'two under two' are extremely difficult with two little 'twiblings' still in diapers and not sleeping well, the crucial thing to point out, which might make it seem easy, is that one child is still not going anywhere.I really felt the most difficult part was when the second one became mobile. Having one strapped into something at all times and they other one still somewhat agreeable to being strapped in was a whole different ballgame to two toddlers going in opposite directions.
My biggest guilt trip with my bunch has always been the time I didn't have alone with my oldest. Kids who are two and a half and three years apart have some nice quality time with mom before the second baby comes around. When kids are 16 months apart (like my kids are), there was never very much time just with mom when I was pregnant or dealing with a younger child. Now that my kids are older (4 1/2 and 3), I am able to recreate some 1:1 time with each of them, but I can never get back the baby/toddler years that I missed out on by simply trying to survive.
Back to your question about having three under three, I think a lot has to do with your own personality. I know many moms who go this route and while it's tough in the beginning, in the end they say it's the same payoff as having two under two.
A (from Cara): As a pseudo-advanced Baby Buncher (3 under 5), I think it depends on your situation. Totally agree with Linda that there is a "honeymoon period" before your youngest gets mobile where you don't realize how tough things are gonna get. I often tell people who are considering Baby Bunching that if they really want to do it, they should get pregnant before the baby is 8/9/10 months old or crawling. Because I know that had I not already been pregnant when my oldest started crawling, I probably would have waited until he was about 3 to get pregnant again. Now, having said that, if the reasons that you want to Bunch include advanced maternal age, a need to Bunch for career purposes (condensing the time you take off), or just really generally wanting your siblings close in age, and you think that Baby Bunching is a fit for your family (take into account your children's temperaments) and your personality then go for it. A friend of mine who had 3 under 3 said that she wouldn't recommend it for every person or family, but it was right for her family. She added that while yes, things were crazy in her life, she knew that it was a brief blip of time in the grand scheme of things and it wouldn't always be that way. In terms of can you manage it? I always say that you will be able to do whatever comes your way. Because really, are you just gonna wake up one day and say, "Hmm. Sorry. I just can't parent my 3 under 3 today." Just don't make the decision lightly, because it is one of the few decisions in life that you can't undo.
Ack, that sounds scary, 3 under 3, 4 or 5! Like Linda, I feel bad about not having enough attention to go around. We're in the opposite boat right now because the baby gets ignored more than the toddler. He is very active and gets into trouble (he goes looking for it) so I'm continuously putting the baby down on the floor to save my older kid from whatever trouble he's gotten into (kitchen table, dog bowl, climbing the entertainment center). My daughter isn't crawling yet (any day now) so I don't know the stress of having TWO mobile kids but I'm terrified.
Posted by: Casey | Oct 14, 2008 at 08:00 AM
"twiblings"! I love it.
Posted by: J. Fergie | Oct 14, 2008 at 02:04 PM
Hey! Who knew I was an "advanced" buncher! When my baby was born (now 16 months old), my oldest had just turned 3 and my middle had just turned 2. So within 3 years I birthed all my girls. I think the first 6 months are the worst because the baby (thus you too) isn't sleeping great, and it seemed like it was always naptime for someone or someone was crying. But at about 6 months, our baby was able to sit up alone and "interact" with the older two, thus making her more entertaining to them..they would play together then. (ok, baby would sit there and drool, but the older two thought she was playing!). Also, when the baby was napping, it was "alone time" for the older two. I would bring out something just for us to do together (puzzles, painting, etc).
Now the baby is 16 months old and my other two are 4yrs old and 3yrs old. Right now my older two are in preschool--one goes m,w,f and the other goes tues, thurs. So I get to have 1:1 time with the other one during that time (the baby naps then).
Overall, I love it. Its stressful and crazy and some days you just want to run SCREAMING from the house, but overall I love it. We chose to have a third so close because we didn't want to have her be way younger than the other two. Since the older two are so close in age, I wanted her close too so that they would all grow up close rather than two...and then the baby. And now they all play together and overall are so cute together. Even on days where the baby throws tantrums all day, the middle one is crying for no reason, and the older one is practicing her new "attitude", I still wouldn't change it for anything!
Posted by: marie | Oct 14, 2008 at 03:41 PM
I'm also a "pseudo advanced" buncher, having had 3 under 5 for a while, and it was purely unintentional, but I'm glad I did it. As a good friend and mother of 4 grown children once told me, "You just do what you have to do." It's busy, and there's not enough time for you, but there will be eventually as they grow into being more independent. I now have 4 under 9, and we really have to work hard at making sure we spend enough individual time with each other, but they are close, and play well together. Only time will tell if they stay that way, which I hope they do. I will say it is a decision not to make lightly, though for us, the decision was made for us, as sometimes happens, but I wouldn't change it. Best of luck!
Posted by: FishyGirl | Oct 14, 2008 at 05:32 PM