Baby Bunching

how much does bunching shape the members of your bunch?

We're currently in the process of deciding whether or not to send the younger of our Bunch to Kindergarten in the fall or wait until next year, since he is a late July birthday and will have just turned 5 when school starts.  Academically, he's probably more prepared for K than our oldest was (February birthday), but we're weighing his social readiness.  He's a (constant) finger sucker, still has some separation anxiety issues on occasion, lacks confidence in unfamiliar settings, is hyper-competitive, refuses to participate in new/unfamiliar environments, and is slow to warm up in groups where he doesn't know anyone. 

Sound like your average 4 1/2 year old, much? On the one side, we feel like he still has a lot of time to grow up before school starts in the fall.  On the same side, we wonder if some of that is just HIM - that he'll always be a more competitive, less outgoing, and little more sensitive than his older brother. 

On the flip side, we wonder if by holding him back and letting him be the oldest in his class instead of the baby might provide a much-needed confidence boost.  Plus, it might not hurt to have a year in school in between him and his (very different) older brother.  Not only do I foresee the potential for more complicated social dynamics with shared friends, etc. when they get older, it would be really nice for the younger one not to immediately follow in the older one's footsteps with every teacher, coach, etc.

I've had numerous discussions debating the pros and cons of starting Kindergarten with several of my friends who, ironically, are in the very same boat (Baby Bunchers with the baby of the Bunch having a summer birthday).  Upon comparison, it's interesting to note (and it may just be coincidence) that all of our eldests are outgoing and confident, while all of our youngers are sensitive and a little more reserved.  We all know the impact birth order has on personality - is it possible that spacing makes a difference, too? 

I often wonder about how having my boys so close together may have impacted them.  My oldest had to grow up pretty quickly and be more independent when his brother came along, even though he was still just a baby himself!  As a Baby Buncher, I shushed and pampered the second child because, frankly, it was just easier and faster to do it myself than go at his pace and wait for him to do it. And bless his heart, just about the time things calmed down a little and we could move at his pace, his baby brother came along, landing him solidly in the middle of a pack of three boys less than 4 1/2 years apart.

Going back to the Kindergarten issue, we've pretty much decided to hold him back.  If he experiences some incredible emotional growth spurt over the summer, we can always decide to go ahead and send him to K at the last minute, but otherwise he'll be enjoying another year in preschool along with a lot of other Baby Bunched friends with summer birthdays.  Maybe the chance to be on the top of the heap at school will counteract the fact that he never really had a chance to be King of the Hill at home.

what kids really learn in preschool

As a follow-up to last week's post on the preschool admissions process for those of you weighing preschool options, I wanted to share a little gem I came across years ago.  Somewhere along the line with one of my three children, I got a wonderful handout on "What Kids Really Learn in Preschool" (from my preschool, natch).  Several commenters last week raised the issue of opting out of preschool, and the list below can easily be adapted for ideas for suggested skill-building activities to do at home or even at playgroups, which is why I've kept it on file for so long. 

I searched and was not able to find a source for this on line, but I've found it so valuable that I'll re-type the whole thing for you girls.  Happy play learning!

"What Kids Really Learn in Preschool" by Barbara Soloman

1)  How to be a student.  Although a preschool room can seem unstructured at times, there are many rules and routines designed to teach children how to conduct themselves in a classroom and be part of a group.  Children know where to put their finished projects, how to walk in line, and where to sit at story time.

2) How to make friends.  Preschool offers opportunities for children to forge friendships and settle differences without the help of a parent or caregiver.

3) How to be independent.  Parents tend to help their children with the small tasks of everyday life.  Preschool teachers, who have classrooms of 10 or more children, encourage students to take more responsibility.  Children learn how to put on their own jackets, wash their hands, and more.

4) How to tell a story.  Children in preschool have many opportunities to hear stories, as well as tell them and act them out with classmates. Children will begin to recognize the importance of the printed word.

5) How to ask for help.  Preschoolers develop confidence and inner strength to speak up for themselves.

6) How to cut and paste.  Art projects are definitely expressions of creativity for preschoolers, but working with scissors, glue sticks, and crayons also helps children develop fine motor skills that will help them with letter formation in kindergarten, and even note taking in high school.

7) How to build a block tower.  When children play with blocks or other manipulatives, they learn to sort and classify.  Building with blocks helps children with spatial skills and gives them an early foundation for understanding higher math concepts.

8) How to recognize symbols, concepts, and rhymes.  Preschoolers begin to identify numbers and letters, and develop a useful understanding of shapes and colors.  Rhymes and songs will also help children academically.  Children who know how to rhyme will learn to read more easily.

9) How to hop, skip, and jump.  Daily outside play helps preschoolers strengthen their muscles and develop coordination.

10) How to investigate and explore.  Preschoolers are natural scientists and they benefit from having plenty of hands-on, self-directed experimentation.

toddlers are people too

I LOVE babies, but I have never been a fan of the toddler.  Scarred by my two previous face offs with toddlers, I've always just pretty much assumed that the very act of being between the ages of 9 and 36 months renders a person completely and totally irrational and impossible.

Enter The Caboose.  He recently turned 17 months old, which is exactly the same age his oldest brother was when the middle brother was born.  Have I lost you yet?  

This time I'm seeing this age through a whole new lens, as if for the first time.

When my first baby was 17 months old, I had just delivered another baby.  The oldest didn't walk or talk well, although he certainly had a mind of his own.  The newcomer, a fussy and demanding baby, commanded most of my attention.  Suddenly, I lost patience for Big Baby's insistence on doing things his way, his lack of ability to effectively communicate and his exhausting sense of adventure.  Two babies, each difficult in their own way, meant I was in survival mode.

When my second baby was 17 months old, I was coming off of four-and-a-half straight years of pregnancy, nursing, diapers, and lack of sleep.  I was so exhausted I couldn't see straight.  Thankfully the second baby, while difficult as a newborn, was a fairly mellow toddler.  He was very early verbal and lacked his brother's drive to go searching for trouble. Still, it was an exhausting job to manage TWO toddlers.  The only way to keep myself sane was to keep us all busy, so I orchestrated an endless stream of play dates and baby classes designed to run the wee ones so ragged that they would sleep soundly at nap and bedtime.  At play dates with my mommy friends, who were my biggest support system, I longed for the boys to go away and play so that I could chat and drink my coffee.  Instead, they just had Constant Needs in a different location.  Desperate for time for myself, I happily shipped them both off to Parents Morning Out one day a week and lived for Wednesday mornings.

Fast forward three years to my third foray into toddler hood.  It's a totally different ballgame this time.  Yeah - some things suck (like squeezing in a toddler nap schedule) because my big boys are school-aged and constantly on the go.  But mostly I'm just enjoying the things I didn't even SEE the last two times.  Like actually watching and hearing the way my toddler IS communicating with me, even if his language isn't quite as developed as mine yet.  Or watching him explore his toys and figuring out how they work, whether he's on his own or trying to get in on his brother's games.  Or endlessly repeating his favorite game of running from the across the room to be scooped into my arms.  Or the precious way he starts humming "our" song the moment I sit down to rock him before bedtime.  The way he finds bath time splashing hilarious, the way he reacts to new foods, the way he stamps his foot when he doesn't like what I'm telling him, and the way he does actually listen and follow directions even though he can't say a lot yet. Instead of finding his strong-willed, high-energy ways challenging or annoying, I find him so precious I could literally eat him with a spoon.

I revel in these moments, but they also make me sad that I was so harried and frazzled that I missed this with my two oldest kids.  I would never, ever change my life as a Baby Buncher - siblings close in age are the greatest gift I've been able to give my boys.  But I'm sure glad there was an Act Three to this show.

Believe it or not, I've become such a fan of the toddler that I actually request that room (not the most popular one, if you can believe it) for my church nursery volunteer shift.  And with a new appreciation for these special little people, I see myself staying there long after The Caboose leaves it.

baby bunching benefits: shared life stages

Baby Bunching has long been a defining personal characteristic for me - for about 18 months before Linda and I even coined the term.  I am a baby person and once I gave birth to one of my own, I was all back-to-back babies, all the time.  I realized how much babies had taken over my life when the youngest of my Bunch was about 2 1/2 and I was stunned to realize that while I was standing in the baby section of a children's clothing store, I no longer had a child that fit in those sizes.  Four straight years of baby will addle your brain that way.

I always knew I wanted a third child, but quickly realized that neither my sanity nor my marriage would survive Bunching a second time.  Our carefully timed third child arrived almost exactly three years after the second.  He has been a joy for me, especially for every age after 9 months because I feel like I never really fully got to experience those stages the first two times.  When my oldest was nine months old, I was sick as a dog and exhausted all the time, as I was pregnant with my second.  When my second was nine months old, I was in sheer survival mode and it was all a blur.  So there was no doubt that my spacing for #3 was right for me.  But of late, since my oldest has started kindergarten, I've started to wish that the spacing was a little less.  Just a tad.  Why?

Baby Bunching is a double-edged sword.  Yes, everyone is a baby at once.  But on the flip side, everyone is a baby at the same time. Which means that they are preschoolers at the same time, and grade schoolers at the same time.  If your're in the throes of Baby Bunching now, I bet you can't even GET to five years from now, so I'll just spell it out for you.

It sucks to drag a baby to soccer practice.  It sucks to wake a baby up from his nap because you have to pick one of his brothers up from school.  It sucks that they are playing cars and he's too young to play without wrecking the game.  It sucks that if you try to do arts and crafts with older kids, the baby will invariably find and eat the googly eyes, buttons, or any other small parts involved.  It sucks that babies can't sit through movies or baseball games or story hours or magic shows - all favorite past times of older kids.

Now don't get me wrong, I am loving every minute of this baby - my last (there, I wrote it for all to see!) - and am actually very grateful that he is a tether to the part of my identity I know (mom of baby) as I feel out the part I don't know (mom of school-aged kids).  But I am also really glad that I didn't wait any longer to have him.  My Bunch is moving on to a new chapter of their lives - one that isn't very baby friendly - and they're dragging me with them.  No way am I wishing away their brother's babyhood, but I'm looking forward to the day when soccer practice is fun for the whole family.  Or even better - when I can realize the Baby Bunching benefit of putting them on the same team!

a new chapter for everyone

The oldest of my Bunch starts kindergarten tomorrow.  On the eve of this momentous occasion, I am very, very nervous.  He is fine.  I am an absolute wreck.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a mom.  But I've always envisioned myself a mom of very young children - babies, toddlers, preschoolers.  I never really pictured myself with school-aged kids or, God forbid, teenagers.  Don't ask me where I thought the flock of aforementioned very little people were going to go once they hit kindergarten because I have no idea.  I just know that they weren't part of my Life Plan - until now.

I love being a mom of very small children.  After three of them in five years, I've finally gotten the hang of pregnancy, breastfeeding, sleep training, introducing solids, baby proofing, selecting the best stroller/high chair/car seat to meet my needs, finding playgroups, potty training, traveling with a baby, finding caregivers and preschools that meet my standards, and more.  As a Baby Buncher, I've successfully navigated double strollers, the nap trap, organizing all our hand-me-downs, twibling rivalry, selecting the best outings to keep two preschoolers busy, and sleep/bath/meal time with two babies/toddlers/preschoolers.

But I've never had to make sure a kid's uniform passes inspection or that he wears tennis shoes on PE days.  I've never had to make sure he doesn't miss more than a certain number of days of school a year so he doesn't fail, or make sure he gets there on time so excessive tardies don't lead to absences, too many of which = FAIL.  I've never had to make sure homework gets done.  I've never had to remind a child to make healthy choices when he is choosing his own lunch in the cafeteria line because I'm not there to decide what he's eating.  I've never had to let my kid be friends with children whose parents I don't know.  I've never had to send a child to After School Care because I have a work meeting, and I've certainly never sent him on a field trip on which I wasn't a chaperone.  And this is just kindergarten.

With the birth of The Caboose a little over a year ago, my feet are still firmly planted in the safe and familiar world of Baby, even as I am tentatively dipping a toe into the unfamiliar territory of School-Aged.  I can only hope that sending #2 to kindergarten will be a little easier, and that by the time I get to #3, I will be happily ensconced in the land of science fairs and soccer games and glad to see him go.

But I know that what scares me most about kindergarten (aside from the fact that it places my son squarely out of my control for 6 1/2 hours or more a day) is the fact that the past five years have gone so fast.  Before I know it, the next five will be gone and the next five after that.  As the kids get older and develop their own independent lives, the years will blow by even faster and soon I'll be sending the last one off to college.  Which means that I have only one thing to look forward to.

Grandbabies.

fox v. fox

For the first year and a half of Baby Bunching, it was tough.  Then it got (relatively) easy as they grew into playmates and would keep each other occupied for hours.  Now it is kind of sucking again. 

At ages 4 and 5 1/2, my Bunch have really developed into their own little (extremely argumentative) people.  Lately, it seems their favorite game is one my husband likes to call "Plaintiff v. Defendant".  This involves the children bringing a constant litany of wrongdoings against each other to our attention, such as:

• He hit me!
• He take my toy!
• He knock my bike over!
• He knock me over!
  
• He eat my cookie!
• He color on my paper!
• He told me I have to eat my carrots!
• He run faster than me!  Closely followed by He didn't wait!
  
• He threw my cars in the mud!
• He said I couldn't choose the movie/story/game!
• And my personal favorite: He talked to Baby when I was talking to Baby! (ever in competition to see who wins the rights to the "Best Big Brother" title) 

Such accusations are typically made through tears, and we usually hear the screams and cries of outrage before we actually see  the children present themselves for trial.  It's usually pretty easy to tell who the perpetrator is, since he's typically trailing the alleged victim by at least a few steps.  Unless somene's bleeding, our standard response is to tell them to "work it out as brothers", but lately I have actually found myself wishing that I had some sort of mediation training under my belt. 

The constant arguing is no doubt exacerbated by the fact that they are so close in age, both boys, and share a bedroom.  Add that to the fact that my oldest is an overachiever and my second is hypercompetitive, and it's a recipe for disaster. 

Since everyone is home all day, every day this summer, I've come to the conclusion that a little personal space is in order once in awhile.  Oldest boy will go to one camp that his brother is not attending, freeing me up to do some fun stuff with the two littles.  I'm in the process of setting up some individual playdates so they can get away from have a break from each other, and I've instituted mandatory afternoon quiet time in separate rooms (not sure why the hell I ever let this fall by the wayside, anyway).  My hope is that it will help, because I'm getting pretty tired of playing judge and jury.

farewell to a good friend

Imagine my shock when my youngest came to me and said, “Mommy, I’m ready for the blanket fairy to come and take away my froggy.”

Background: We adore lovies in our house. Everyone has one (or two). Even me. Alex has a frog blanket which he has loved since four months. Anna has had a pink bear blanket and a different frog (which was inherited by Alex) since she was six months old. All three of the lovies accompany the kids to bed each night and on various trips. And as a Baby Buncher I have never really pushed to get rid of the bling because it soothed them when I’m dealing with other kid.

I was sad when Anna suggested she give up one of the lovies. Alex was even sadder. He and I explained over and over that once the Blanket Fairy (a character from Kevin Henkes book Owen) comes to take away the blanket that it’s gone forever.

Anna understood and even came up with her own version: Yes, the blanket fairy takes it—because I don’t need it anymore—and gives it to another baby who does need it. Uh, yes, I was floored by this.

We wrote a letter to the Blanket Fairy two nights ago (which gave me enough time to get a small gift to replace the lovey) and last night she put it under her pillow. Alex was very upset by this. I could tell in his little mind he couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to give up their lovey.

He clutched his lovey tightly and exclaimed: I will never give the Blanket Fairy my frog! Yes, yes, we know.

Before I went to bed, I snuck into Anna’s room and carefully removed the frog and replaced it with two little princess figurines for her castle. I retired froggy into the keepsake bin.

But at 5:15 she came in crying: My froggy is gone. The Blanket Fairy came, but she didn’t leave me a present.

My response: It’s because it’s 5:15 and the Blanket Fairy probably came right before you woke up. Go back to sleep and maybe she’ll come back to leave a gift. (She didn’t realize the princesses were next to her and not under her pillow.)

I heard her tear down the hallway this morning squealing about her new toys and how the Blanket Fairy really DID come. Alex looked a bit jealous, but not jealous enough to actually say goodbye to his best friend.

Meanwhile we’re down one lovey which just makes it easier to keep up with the other two. I imagine those two will be around a long time.

extracurricular activities - tag team or double up?

I posted recently about our insane schedule.  Lest you think that I brought this upon myself by over scheduling my children, I want to point out that they each only do one activity besides school.  So why does it seem so overwhelming?

Up until this point, we have taken two different approaches to extracurriculars:

• Tag Team (i.e. one child gets to do an activity one semester and the other the next - Linda & Co. also subscribe to this approach)

• Doubling Up (both children sign up for the same class and attend together) 

This system worked fairly well until my kids caught on.  Now, Tag Team backfires because, "How come HE gets to do something and I don't?!?!?!" and Doubling Up backfires because "I don't care if HE likes soccer - I like swimming!" Even better, by the first soccer game, the oldest (who preferred swimming, remember?) was whining, "Why didn't you sign ME up for soccer too?!?  I want to play soccer!"  ARGH.  I am SO back to Doubling Up next fall.

But for now, I find myself in my week two of my first ever attempt at separate activities for each boy.  Only about two more months until choir, soccer, and school end for the summer and we pick up the more relaxing pace of camps and summer. 

Where is it that I think I am going to slide a third child into the mix someday?

time flies

One thing that sucks about my Bunch getting older is that I thought it would get easier, but instead I seem to keep getting busier.  Of course, it doesn't help that I recently added another baby to the gang, but still...

Back in the days when my Bunch were both under 3 or so, I was busy attending to what my husband calls Constant Needs - feeding, changing, getting to sleep, and trying to squeak in the occasional educational/developmental activity.   Somewhere along the line, I realized that there was absolutely NO WAY I could do anything to keep the house clean while supervising them, so I gave up.  Rather than sit around and look at the four walls of my pigsty while my Bunch climbed all over me, I basically left the house for the first half of every day.  In my quest to kill time in the morning hours, we did all sorts of fun stuff.  We'd wake up in the morning and make some calls to see who was available to play that day.  We hung out at friend's houses and the kids played while I downed pots of coffee with other moms.  We visited the children's museum, the zoo, the aquarium, the botanical gardens and every park in town on a regular basis.  We spent a ton of time just goofing off and killing time until it was time to go home for lunch and the blessed afternoon nap (which is when I raced around doing all that housework).

Now that the oldest of my Bunch is preparing to start kindergarten next year, there is no such thing as "killing time".  Morning play dates are a thing of the past.  Big Boy is in school 4 mornings a week, Middle Boy 2 mornings, and half of their friends are in school 5 mornings.  On the days the Bigs are in school, Baby and I run around like fools tackling the grocery store, Target, doctors appointments, returns, and other errands that are easier with 1 kid in tow than 3.  In the afternoons, it's a race to get Baby (and about twice a week, Middle) down for a nap.  Big hangs out with me, doing fun and exotic things like pre-prepping that evening's dinner and folding laundry.   After naps, it's on to the afternoon's activities - soccer on Monday, choir on Wednesday, playgroup on Thursday and (if we're lucky) a happy hour play date on Friday.  Occasionally in this whirlwind of activity, there is a half hour or so where I find myself with just one child, so I frantically try to squeeze in some quality one-on-one time.  Just typing our schedule makes me exhausted, never mind living it.

The needs have changed, but they haven't become any less Constant.  It's a steady stream of requests to volunteer at school/church/activities, demands for payments for school pictures/soccer cleats/preschool registration fees, invitations to birthday parties/play dates/performances/games, and on and on and on.  While it is great fun seeing my little people grow up and become their own people, sometimes I long for the days when life was little bit more simple and the pace was a little bit slower.

Just a peek into the crystal ball for you ladies with really wee Bunches who are climbing the walls at home.  Enjoy the relative simplicity of your life while it lasts.  It won't be long before the nap trap actually sounds enticing!

and then they grow up

I picked my kids up from the YMCA babysitting today after a brief workout. It's always a mad dash to beat them to the door before they bust through and charge out into the parking lot at full speed. Yes, you'd think after four years I'd finally get this right. Nope, I still can't control my kids. But we had a brief interlude while my son hung on a child-size basketball net. He hung there stretched out. His feet just brushing the ground. And then I saw it.

He looked like a kid.

When you're in the throes of Baby Bunching, time often just passes you by because you're just trying to survive 'two under two.' Babies grow up quicker than they need to because now they're the older sibling.

Continue this post over at DC Metro Moms.