Baby Bunching

timing your bunch

We have a theory here at Baby Bunching that if you are not pregnant again by the time your baby hits his first birthday, you will likely not be pregnant again until he is at least 2.  We have lots of anecdotal (granted, none scientific) evidence in the form of our many, many friends who are Baby Bunchers and our many, many friends who have children who are around three years apart.  We note that we have almost NO friends with children in the 2 1/2 year spacing pattern.  This is because the baby stage from about 9 months to 2 years will kick. your. ass. 

How many of us Baby Bunchers got pregnant when the baby was 9 months old, only to find ourselves saying at the one-year mark, "Holy S*%t, what have I done?"  I personally experienced the feeling that if I were not already pregnant and unable to turn back the clock, there was no way in hell I would've PLANNED to be pregnant again with a 1-year old hanging off the side.

For those of you who are considering Baby Bunching but haven't taken the plunge yet, consider the following.  From about the 5-month mark (when they start sleeping through the night) to about the 10-month mark (when they start crawling really, really fast), babies have a quiet period.  Much like a dormant volcano, they delude you into thinking that this parenting gig isn't so hard after all.  At this age, they are finally starting to reward your indentured servitude by smiling, giggling, and playing with you.  They've started solid foods, so they are no longer the constant companion of your breasts.  They're likely sleeping through the night, even in their own beds, allowing you and the hubby some quality time to rediscover each other.  This would be a good time to remind you that "rediscovering each other" is how you got here in the first place, so be very, very careful.

And then along comes the first birthday and with it, toddlerhood. Toddlers are special, special little people.  Active, curious, and opinionated, they will beat you into submission, much as they did as newborns.  You will find yourself running all day long, constantly dashing to pluck them from harm's way and satisfy their (often unreasonable) demands.  It's just the age, so don't worry - while your precious little tyrant will run you ragged, this too, shall pass. 

As with many things in life, timing is everything when it comes to Baby Bunching, whether you got there by careful planning and plotting of timing, by lack of control over timing (like Linda) or reckless disregard for timing (like me),  So for those of you who are still on the fence, consider yourselves warned and mind the clock!

H1N1: to stick or not to stick?

Anyone who wants to feel better about their day should check out my post last week about the joys of getting flu shots with all three kids.  Unless, of course, you are scheduled to get flu shots with your Bunch today, then you should probably skip it.

With all the controversy about vaccinations in general and even more controversy because of the unknowns associated with H1N1, we're curious as to where y'all fall in the in the flu shot or no flu shot debate.  Linda and I frequently find ourselves in opposite camps on the vaccination issue, but this season's virus is throwing a wrench in the works that no one (including the CDC and AAP) knows what to do with.  The deal's sealed for me, but Linda's still on the fence, so tell us, dear Bunchers, what does the survey say on H1N1?

naming the next child

Baby naming can be tricky. As parents, we labor over THE perfect name for our first child and probably even more so for the next kid. For us, we had our firstborn's name picked out ahead of time (as in before I was pregnant) so it was super easy. But when the second child or third or fourth comes around we feel pressure to picking another perfect name--especially if the next one is of the same sex. 

Do you need names that sound well together? How about picking names that great good together on the family Christmas card? If you give one kid a super creative funky name what do you do about the next? Do you get them relatively the same number of letters or start with the same letter?

My kids’ names both begin with the letter ‘A.’ That was NOT planned! People always comment about how cute, and my grandmother refers to them as “the A team.” It doesn’t help since my husband’s name also begins with an ‘A.’ But I swear we didn’t mean to do this. And should we have a third child, I’m not sure what we’ll do since people might expect for another A name. Quite honestly, we’ve run out of names we like so I guess we’re done having kids.

The Social Security Administration put out their list of top baby names for last year and Emma and Jacob are the top winners for 2008. And while we can debate over and over about unique names (check out my recent article in Washington Parent to this topic), the question relating to Baby Bunching is what do you consider when naming subsequent children?

academic redshirting and your bunch

Can you tell we've got school on the brain around here?  In recent weeks, we've covered the private school application process and also aligning preschool schedules for your Bunch.  Today we're talking about a topic that we're actually personally divided on - academic red-shirting. 

Both Linda and I have mid- July babies - ironically enough, they were born less than 24 hours apart, even though their original due dates were 3 weeks and some days apart.  Both July babies are the younger members of our respective Bunches.  Linda has a girl, and I have a boy.  Both children are really bright, socially outgoing, and have been attending preschool of some sort since shortly after they turned one.  I am pretty sure that we will hold our son back and start kindergarten when he is six and Linda is almost equally as sure that she will go ahead and send her daughter right after she turns five.  One thing we both agree on is that, as with all parenting decisions, what's right for you depends on your kid and your family.

In addition to child readiness, we're also weighing the implications of red-shirting when your crew is Bunched. The thought of having kids just one grade apart is nice.  It's all the sooner you get everyone into kindergarten and you can get back to work or whatever your plans are.  The curriculum, the homework, the teacher's idiosyncrasies, etc. are all fresh in your mind as a parent, so you can help your younger child navigate the school year.  Plus your younger sib has the benefit of drawing on the wisdom of the older one that may have taken many of the same classes (and maybe even the same teachers) just the year before.  It's likely (especially in the high school years) that they end up on the same sports teams and maybe even in some of the classes.  I confess that I even envisioned knocking out all the year's sporting events, school plays, awards ceremonies, and other events in one fell swoop, with everyone being featured at one event.

For this first time this year, I am considering the flip side.  That my sons have VERY different learning styles and it might be nice if they didn't have the same teachers and the youngest didn't follow the oldest one immediately.  That it might be nice for us as parents if we could buy another year's time before having to assume the private school price tag for our second son.  That my July boy acts awfully young compared to some of the older kids in his preschool class, some of whom were born almost 11 months earlier than he was.  Especially as a boy, I wonder what he has to gain from being the youngest kid in his class, even if he is bright.  After all, I can supplement him outside the classroom academically if needed, but I can't really shore up his social immaturity.  And finally (selfishly), the sooner I get them all into kindergarten the sooner I have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life now that the part I most looked forward to (staying home and loving on babies and toddlers) is done.

We still have another year and a half until he turns five and a lot can happen in that time, so I guess I'll just wait and see.  And it won't be the last time I have to make this decision - my youngest son was born almost exactly three years after the second, also in July. 

I know Linda and I will have many more discussions on this topic until we work it out in our heads and figure out what's best for the kiddos.  Anyone care to join in on the conversation?

is baby bunching bad for your brain?

I've recently posted on another site about the hell Atlanta private school application process that I am going through with my oldest child.  This process, which requires psychological testing, group and individual observations from the schools, and reflective essay writing on my child's learning style has been both anxiety producing and illuminating for me.

Last week we had a meeting with the psychologist on the results of my son's psychological testing.  Long story short, he is bright when he chooses to apply himself but "lacks focus and discipline" in learning.  Which we knew.  Because he is a five-year old boy.

As we were packing up to leave the psychologist's office, I joked with her that perhaps if we hadn't had so many children so close together, I might have had more time to work with him one-on-one and he  might be more focused and disciplined.  The psychologist looked me in the eye and said very seriously, "Probably so."  Which really pissed me off, at first.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I should just call a spade a spade here.

Baby Bunching does not allow for a lot of one-on-one time with each child.  It does not lend itself well to conducting supplemental activities that require undivided attention, like workbooks or flash cards.  At least not, very unfortunately, in the first five years of the child's life, which as we all know are the most important, developmentally speaking.  Baby Bunching also makes it difficult to be patient.   I'm embarrassed to admit that it led me to cut corners on simple skill building things like zipping up jackets and tying shoes.  When I am trying to get everyone out the door, it is easier to do it myself than wait so long for my oldest to zip up his coat that the youngest is freaking out in his infant carrier.

We do lots of reading, coloring, art projects, play-doh, mazes, and playing outside.  We do have some computer time, which my kids love.  We do have a ton of workbooks, which we scan/work on a haphazard basis based on people's interests (for example, they can only do math on a pre-K level, but my oldest works mazes on a 3rd grade level and my second son's love is connect-the-dots).  My oldest likes to cook, so he helps me make dinner.  But we never do science experiments, take nature walks, only occasionally play board/card games that require parental assistance, and we definitely don't have the kind of organized, curriculum for our "free time" that seems to be required for academic success these days.  There just isn't time - I'm lucky if I can keep everyone fed, cleaned, and entertained, more less educated.

I thought I was doing my kid a favor by giving him siblings that would be close in age.  Socially speaking, he's a prince.  But have I shorted him academically?   I'm curious about your opinions and experiences on how Baby Bunching has affected your Bunch, developmentally speaking.

baby bunching battles: equality and fairness

On a global scale, I am all about equality and fairness - social justice and all that good stuff. But in my own household, lately my Bunch has been making me absolutely NUTS over the equality issue.  Seems every time time I try to do something nice for one (anything from a snack to a treat at the store), the other one is there to point out that he, too, should get whatever "it" is.  Right down to the exact same number of Cheese Nips at snack time. 

I vividly remember playing the equality card with my own parents years ago, but I feel like the fact that my kids are A) the same gender and B) extremely close in age exacerbates the situation here.  Mainly because pretty much anything one gets (clothes, a toy, food, TV privileges, etc.) is pretty much both age appropriate and available in the right size for the other one.

Before I had kids, I always swore I wasn't going to be one of those parents that got suckered into buying two of everything just to keep everyone happy.  But now that I'm actually a parent (and therefore qualified to dispense advice about parenting) and my children have learned to "advocate" for themselves, I see that "those" parents weren't necessarily suckered.  They just want a few freaking minutes of peace and quiet and it is just easier to give in sometimes.

As with all parenting challenges, I know that I need to pick my battles.  Last week, when I bought my middle (truck loving, new/not hand me down - clothes deprived) son a turtleneck with trucks on it at Target, the oldest (who doesn't give two craps about trucks or turtlenecks) begged for one too.  I caved because they were on sale for 98 cents and I figured it wasn't worth the fight.  But just a few days later, I found myself making my second trip to the mall in two days because the oldest got a much-needed sweater for his private school interviews and the middle one was beside himself that I hadn't gotten him a sweater too.  And I realized that "picking my battles" means actually picking one sometimes and fighting it - not giving in every time because I feel sorry for the "slighted" child.

The reality is that the world is not a fair place.  It's also not a place where people are entitled to things just because their brother/friend/neighbor/co-worker got them.  These are the lessons I want to (gently and lovingly) impart to my kids - now I just gotta figure out how. 

what number is right for me?

What is the perfect number of children? I suppose that depends upon many things like fertility, size of house, size of car, money, patience, the number of kids you’ve always pictured yourself running after. Cara knows I’ve been wavering back and forth on this for a while.  And after my recent visit to see her, I had pretty much decided we were done with kids. We have a small house. We have a smallerish car. I’m thinking of going back to work--ready to go back to work.  And the weekend at Cara’s reminded me again how far we’ve come and my lack of desire to start back over again, again. [Note: Her kids are really good.]

So the hubby and I decided we were 99% sure we were done.

The week of Thanksgiving came and so came a positive pregnancy test. I flipped. I flipped out so much that I ran out that second to buy 2 more tests while screaming at Cara on the phone, "how does this happen when you're on the pill!" Fortunately for me, those tests came back negative later that day and the next. Believe me in my two years of trying to conceive (that totals about 100 pregnancy tests) never did I have one come back false positive. But whatever. I was relieved. Husband was too.

And yet somewhere in the back of my mind, I still am not sure if our perfect number of kids is two or three.  So yesterday, as I sat at the preschool mom’s morning coffee and watched the other younger siblings--ranging in age from six months to 20 months--it felt strange to be there and be totally present without someone else to manage. No one interrupting or getting into fights over a toy. No one asking for a snack or trying to climb up the shelves. I was kid free, and not completely sure if I liked it.

Another mom must have been able to read my thoughts and asked, “Does it seem strange to be here and not have a kid to supervise?” Yes and no. It’s nice. But strange.

My babies, while not grown in any way, are growing so fast. Alex starts kindergarten next year and Anna is right behind him the following year. And then they’re gone all day for five days a week. Which means really I'm set up to go back to work with very little concern for childcare. But that still makes me a little sad.

I thought about it all day and casually mentioned to my husband that we might still consider a third. He admitted he had been thinking the same thing only for different reasons. We were so tainted by the Baby Bunching experience that it’s hard to think of doing this all over again. We’ve only just come out of the fog in the past few months and started to reconstruct our household. I can actually have both kids eat on real dishes now. Everyone pees in a potty and sleeping in a big bed. We’ve moved into the next phase, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to start over again or not.  Plus it would mean, at the least, getting a bigger car and maybe even a larger house.

How do you know what is right for you?

baby bunching Q/A: advanced buncher status

We received a question from Baby Buncher Jenny P. We're going to answer it the best we can, but we'd would like to call on any of you out there who might fit in this category to help us out.

Q: I've been wondering if any of your readers have achieved Advanced Buncher status (i.e. 3 under 3, or 4 under 4, etc.)?  My husband and I are actually contemplating number 3 [Note: she has a 3 month old and 17 month old], but I'm wondering if we're just totally insane.  Though, I must say that 2 under 2 (while a challenge) hasn't been that bad and often actually fun.

A (from Linda): Give it some time before you make the irreversible decision of adding to your family. While the first few months of 'two under two' are extremely difficult with two little 'twiblings' still in diapers and not sleeping well, the crucial thing to point out, which might make it seem easy, is that one child is still not going anywhere.I really felt the most difficult part was when the second one became mobile. Having one strapped into something at all times and they other one still somewhat agreeable to being strapped in was a whole different ballgame to two toddlers going in opposite directions.

My biggest guilt trip with my bunch has always been the time I didn't have alone with my oldest. Kids who are two and a half and three years apart have some nice quality time with mom before the second baby comes around. When kids are 16 months apart (like my kids are), there was never very much time just with mom when I was pregnant or dealing with a younger child. Now that my kids are older (4 1/2 and 3), I am able to recreate some 1:1 time with each of them, but I can never get back the baby/toddler years that I missed out on by simply trying to survive.

Back to your question about having three under three, I think a lot has to do with your own personality. I know many moms who go this route and while it's tough in the beginning, in the end they say it's the same payoff as having two under two.

A (from Cara):  As a pseudo-advanced Baby Buncher (3 under 5), I think it depends on your situation. Totally agree with Linda that there is a "honeymoon period" before your youngest gets mobile where you don't realize how tough things are gonna get.  I often tell people who are considering Baby Bunching that if they really want to do it, they should get pregnant before the baby is 8/9/10 months old or crawling.  Because I know that had I not already been pregnant when my oldest started crawling, I probably would have waited until he was about 3 to get pregnant again.  Now, having said that, if the reasons that you want to Bunch include advanced maternal age, a need to Bunch for career purposes (condensing the time you take off), or just really generally wanting your siblings close in age, and you think that Baby Bunching is a fit for your family (take into account your children's temperaments) and your personality then go for it.  A friend of mine who had 3 under 3 said that she wouldn't recommend it for every person or family, but it was right for her family.  She added that while yes, things were crazy in her life, she knew that it was a brief blip of time in the grand scheme of things and it wouldn't always be that way.  In terms of can you manage it?  I always say that you will be able to do whatever comes your way.  Because really, are you just gonna wake up one day and say, "Hmm.  Sorry.  I just can't parent my 3 under 3 today."  Just don't make the decision lightly, because it is one of the few decisions in life that you can't undo.

to bunch or not to bunch: that is the question

One of the questions I frequently get asked is, "Knowing what you know now, would you choose to Baby Bunch again?"

Let me preface this by saying that I NEVER intended to be a Baby Buncher.  Nor did Linda.  Before I had children, the only Baby Buncher I knew was my cousin (who also did not intend to be a Buncher - see a pattern here?).  Her kids were 20 months apart and honestly, I thought her life was way too crazy.  I wanted time to savor and enjoy each one of my babies. 

Enter Baby #1.  I had a (relatively easy) pregnancy, labor and delivery.  About 5 hours after he was born I remember thinking, "I could do this again!"  And he was the world's easiest baby.  Next thing we knew, by the time he was 8 months old, we were expecting his brother.

I'll be honest and say that the first year and a half after my second son was born was not easy.  Actually, it was pretty hellish.  He was NOT so much the easy baby.  And to make matters worse, easy Baby #1 had turned into a demanding, strong-willed toddler.  To make matters even more worse, my husband decided to quit his job and go back to business school to get his MBA.  I remember very little about July 2005 to the spring of 2007, including Baby #2's babyhood.  All in all, it was a pretty sucky two years.

During this timeframe, my Baby Bunching cousin became a beacon of hope.  Because she was still too busy to talk on the phone, through her mother (my aunt), I heard stories about how much easier things were now that her tots were 3 and 4.  How they played together.  How they were out of diapers, eating regular food, walking instead of riding in the stroller, etc. etc.  It gave me hope that one day, I too, would be able to pee uninterrupted and perhaps even finish a meal. 

Fast forward two years.  I am peeing uninterrupted and finishing meals!  Or at least I was, until I had another baby recently.  But I digress.  With a new baby in the house, my Bunched older two have been my saving grace.  They are built-in playmates, keeping each other entertained during nursing sessions or when we are stuck in the house so the baby can sleep.  Because they are so close in age (and both boys), they are interested in the same activities and can even be in the same swimming/gymnastics/art/music/soccer/etc. classes sometimes, which keeps me from running all over town like a fool trying to keep everyone happy in different activities.  They can now wear each other's clothes.   I am definitely seeing the payoffs!

So, knowing what I know now, would I do it again?  I think so.  As a friend who bunched all three of her kids (they are all a little over one year apart) put it, "Yes, it is crazy in the beginning, but it's a phase of your life.  It's just a few years.  It's not a lifestyle for everyone, but it worked for our family."   Baby Bunching worked for us.  My boys are best friends for life, and we've just added a third brother to the mix.  He is spaced far enough from the second (three years) that I am able to savor his babyhood, but he will still be relatively close in age to the others.  For our family, it has worked out nicely.

I'm curious to hear what others think.  If you could go back and do it all over again, would you Baby Bunch and why or why not?